All Comments by Jinxedit

Sounds cool. Is this paragraph actually in the story, or is it merely descriptive?

I really liked it too! A fun read. I do have one critique though, and it's a big one. You use a lot of superfluous language, almost to the point of being a bit purple.

"It is, of course, in this city that we find our hero, a rather unlikely man by the drab name Emil."

Could become

"It is in this city that we find our hero, an unlikely man by the drab name of Emil."

The words I removed don't add anything - except unneeded length and complication. You could even remove one of the adjectives remaining. Heaping adjectives upon a piece of writing can make it unwieldy, though in general I like your choices of which ones to use.

Looking forward to mashing with you. Keep 'em coming...

Alrighty, Suds 3 is up.

A VERY tentative draft of chapter 3 is up. It's actually not so much a draft even as scraps that may eventually be woven into the story, but I thought I'd post up so other people on this project can look and/or offer criticism and thoughts if they want to.

Er... can a more seasoned masher offer me any advice? I'm a little bit confused about where I should start my process.

This is harder then I thought! D=

Sure - when should I start? When should I be finished by?

Thanks for taking the time to let me know. I'll watch for this in the future.

This project sounds like fun to me. Can I sign on? I'll take any chapter.

Last chapter up!

http://storymash.com/u/Jinxedit/hubesevo/

Cheers.

I'll help you! What can I do?

I'm 18 and... eh, nevermind, I don't have a witty comment.

Actually, I just want to listen to you talk about plot. How do you come by plots? How do you go about thinking them up? At what point in your writing do you start to think about plot - before you ever touch pen to page, or a few pages in?

The reason I ask is curiosity and to learn more about how various people write, but also because I have a bunch of neat characters and concepts I want to use, and since I am a complete dunce with plot, nowhere to put them. =(

So I want to know how other people do it!

-Jinx

Ugggh. That was twisted! I barely made it through.

Not really my kind of story in general, just wanted to drop by and say that your writing is in top form with this.

I loved the first line. It made me think I was in for a comedy. Oh, how wrong I was. =P

Hahaha. Thanks for providing me with some much needed lulz.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Oddly enough I've always found it much easier to write male voices. Possibly because I read almost exclusively science fiction for pleasure, and that's a very male-dominated field.

In any case, thanks for your continued kind words.I appreciate that you take the time to let me know what you think, positive or no. =)

Lovely prose. I think you strike a very nice balance between poetry and readability, something all writers should strive for.

It's ok. No one can be blamed for thinking there are no girls on the internet. =)

Thank you kindly for reading!

Yeah... we had that much figured out. But where in the forums is the appropriate place for this thread? The projects and contests section, the creative storytelling section, the miscellaneous topics section? Elsewhere?

We don't want to be lame and bog up the wrong place with a misplaced topic.

Thanks.

Hey, SM admins or whoever else can help. Me and my friend are looking at doing an unofficial collaborative project. It has lots of cannon, so we would need to have a thread to talk about it on the forums, but we aren't sure what the appropriate place for such a thread would be. We noticed that the 'projects' in the 'projects and contests' forum appears to be for official, admin-sponsored projects only. Can you please tell us where we should discuss our project?

New chapters up.

Latest; http://storymash.com/u/Jinxedit/mevoratu/

Warning; explicit.

Yo, Ace, good job with this. The style you wrote it in (25 seconds to crash, etc) made it really interesting.

Shadow, you are fabulous. What a pleasant surprise to find that the first sci-fi I read on here is top notch! Deliciously dark. I love the narrator already, and I love how you mix lovely poetic turns of phase into the strange sci-fi nightmare you've created. For sure, this is great stuff.

Intriguing, but confusing. Is English your second language?

You make several grammar mistakes that make this hard to decipher - which is unfortunate, because clearly something interesting is going on! You also use colorful language, which is good.

I would love to see another chapter that is easier to read, with properly checked grammar. If you do not know how to check your own grammar, I suggest you post your story as a draft FIRST, ask for feedback in the forums, and once you have got everything worked out, then publish.

I'd love to oblige, but I barely understand. Can you clarify what you mean?

Hey. Neat little beginning here - but is it Matrix fanfiction? The last line is confusing. Perhaps your character is the sort to throw in pop-culture references, but if so, I wouldn't put one at the end of the first chapter. Not sure why I wouldn't, but it seems out of place... hmm.

OR, maybe I'm tired because I just woke up, and you should ignore me.

What I absolutely would like to see is just a little bit of action in these first few paragraphs. In almost every great story you read, the author grabs the reader's attention with some witty or interesting dialogue, a description of what the main character or another character is doing, or just something else fun. THEN, the exposition.

Either way, I like this. It is straight-forward and dark, and that is how I like 'em. So I hope to read more soon.

I've learned that it works better to post a draft chapter, and THEN ask for help. Emailing each other stuff isn't really the point here...

So why not post a draft chapter, then announce it? Be sure to include a link. I am sure you will get more readers that way.

New chapter up.

http://storymash.com/u/Jinxedit/kosemife/

For those still with me, thank you for your continued readership.

Hey, 'sup? I really liked it. Very entertaining! Well done.

Will you be expanding?

Hey guys. Thanks everyone for sharing.

To make a long story short, I took everyone's advice and showed him some stuff. He liked it. =)

Thanks so much to those who gave me lots of awesomely helpful feedback.

Chapters 2 and 3 are now up, for those who are interested.

Wow, really cool. I love that weird liquid thing you invented.

I commented and left you some (hopefully) constructive criticism.

-Jinx

Hey there. Welcome.

I like this poem. The rhythm and phrasing is good, and I think you are really speaking from your heart. I also think you have a feel for language.

I do have one suggestion for general poetry writing (not that I am some kind of great poet myself). Good poets express themselves through evocative language, but great poets use words in a way that makes you think. Try using language in inventive and original ways.

Disclaimer; I say this not because I am a highly experienced poet, but because I think I can recognize good poetry when I see it.

Also, I think these would make really good song lyrics. Play guitar?

Sounds like an interesting plot possibility, and it held my interest well enough for its length, but it reads more like a book jacket then the start of a story. Maybe start with some action and do the exposition later?

Just chilling. Want us to take you to our leader now?

I agree with both of you. This guy/girl pushes good work off the front page, dooming pieces with authors who may actually be responsive to criticism to obscurity.

I also suspect s/he's here for money, hence the gushing torrent of short, unedited works.

But maybe not, in which case I wouldn't wish him/her to leave.

A lot of users abuse what I see as the intent of this site. People write poor, bland pieces that can barely be called story and don't participate in the community at all (except sometimes to complain they aren't getting paid). I think a flagging system might be useful, in a sense giving users the option to hide non-stories that are just taking up space, but that opens the possibility of all kinds of different abuse. I guess for now... just don't read them?

I don't really have a story about poverty or drug addiction or why it's wrong to put puppies in a meat grinder lined up anytime soon. Sorry.

I actually am writing about something that pisses me off; the way our culture is turning into a kind of watered-down mush that appeals mostly to the id. Perhaps I didn't convey my passion well, but I don't think that I'm just writing about a 'safe' topic or failing to write about something important.

I think what you're really getting at is that you want a faster start. This, I will work on.

Aaah! I spent hours trying to pound that damn beginning into better shape... Oh well, maybe I'll get it next time.

Would you mind pointing out to me what was rough about it so I know what to do better in the future? And, what else would you have done differently?

Hey Alharris, I'm glad to be here.

Unwieldy means a bit awkward and hard to handle. You are probably a more seasoned writer then me and welcome to challenge it, but here are my suggestions.

"Interstate highways did not exist...nor did the car radio."

This may be appropriate depending on what tone you are going for, but I usually think of ellipses as denoting incompleteness. Here, they seem to denote a separation. I think a period would work better and let the words speak for themselves.

"As we were handed a bag of apples to take with us, the Pastor said with a sad but knowing smile that the man who went to New York had returned home and was buried today."

I was originally going to say that the voicing is confusing and it should say, "As he handed us the bag of apples to take with us, the pastor..." etc. But on second thought I'm not sure if the pastor is giving them the apples or if someone else is. It could be clearer. "As the shelter worker/ninja/giant duck gave us the apples..."

There are other places where the ellipses seems to denote a pause. Ellipses are meant to denote omission. In creative writing, some intentional misuse of grammar in order to strike a tone is pretty standard, but I felt in this case it was too much.

Maybe I'm the only person who noticed this?

Lovely in its simplicity, a beautiful story. I really liked it.

There are a few sentence structure problems throughout; it makes parts feel a little unwieldy. Could be greatly improved by fixing these and adding some imagery or sense descriptions. But still, a very lovely story.

Well... true if you trust Wikipedia.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's true. Science and religion once were considered very much complimentary, as I understand it.

I don't think I am a better writer then you, but I am flattered by this comment because you write very well. Your suggestions also helped me edit this a great deal, and I hope the published version adequately addresses your concerns.

Thank you! =)

Yo, writerwannabe. I think this is really cool, your character has a great voice and I want to get to know him/her/it more already.

I think this bit could be made more of a 'hook' by mixing in a bit more action to slice up all that exposition - well written and interesting though it is. A bit of dialogue maybe, a clue to what's going would have dragged me in even more. Either way though, it's completely readable and a great start.

Why is it that I can share my work with you guys, complete strangers, but not with my boyfriend of over a year? Granted, many of you seem to be kind, intelligent strangers, but still...

Anyone else experience this crippling fear of showing certain people your work? Maybe it seems obvious, but I'm really curious.

Perhaps this quality is common to writers. I've noticed that many people who enjoy writing also have expansive other talents or interests. I think maybe this is so because writing is kind of the ultimate exploration, and thus appeals to people who are interested in everything. In writing you don't just explore the world and its many intricacies, you also explore your inner life.

Or this could just be four AM babbling.

I'm quite the Renaissance woman myself. I've been writing just about forever (which actually isn't long because I'm only 18), but I'm also interested in bellydancing, yoga, biology, sewing, guitar, and all other manner of hippy stuff.

JD, I must say that that is a rather impressive repertoire of interests. I'm curious about what sort of martial arts you do.

Whoops. Forgot something. Linky; http://storymash.com/u/Jinxedit/sahegagi/

I just published a story. Unlike writerwannabe, I have no dignity at all, so let the shameless begging commence.

*Beg*
*Beg*
*Whimper*
*Beg*

Kidding. Not so much begging, but I am announcing that I started a new story. It's a little science-fiction, a little romance, a little commentary, but mostly just eclectic, so I hope I can pull it off. Go check it out, and by all means let me know your opinion, whether you adored it and began licking the screen affectionately, began having violent convulsions of disgust, or fell at some mid-way point.

Hey good job, a feature-worthy story. I think it moves at just the right pace.

Little nit-picky thing. I'm Jewish. 'Elohim' just refers to divinity... We use it to refer to God, just the one. not so much to 'council of gods'. That would be blasphemy. But since when does good fiction have to be linguistically accurate? Anyway, thought you might find that interesting. Good job!

Out of curiosity, what do you write about when you're angry?

Definitely. I think part of the point of being a writer or artist in general is becoming intimate with all dimensions of a thing. It's kind of our job to make people look at mundane things in a way they never have before.

Why not publish drafts, get feedback, and then publish? That way you can share immediately without making any permanent decisions.

Hey, Lika... this is a cute little story with some lovely descriptions. I like colored pencils as a 'bouquet' a lot!

My only complaints; it does need proof-reading. There are a few grammatical mistakes that just pop out.

Also, when the lady's son grabs the pencils, I would have liked to see more emotion-loaded descriptions. You felt something, didn't you? Anger? Disappointment? Technically speaking, this is the climax of your story, so really drive home what happened. Show us more. He didn't just take the pencils, he snatched them with his grubby little hands. He pilfered them. He stole them from you.

Don't let the trolls get you down... I think I'll go comment on one of your chapters right now.

I have posted a draft of the first chapter of a story I am working on, and I would be deeply appreciative of anyone who would give me advice/criticism/adoration/scorn/confused stares - really anything!! I just want to make it better. Linky;

http://storymash.com/u/Jinxedit/sahegagi/

As always, I'd be glad to return the favor.

-Jinx

Hey Kylie, nice to meet you. And looking forward to reading your writing.

Thank you!! I know they're picked by formula but I'm still giddy like a schoolgirl. =D

Thank you Katrina!

Aaah! Now I regret ending it. It is fiction, though, so anything can happen.

I like that idea. I'd love to see you mash it if you're up for it.

Thanks! Any word yet? I would appreciate it if you would update me when you know.

I think this is a great start.

I vaguely remember selecting an option to receive 'notifications' by email. I have not been notified of anything so far - comments on my chapters, replies to my comments, replies to my forum posts, etc. Not even updates to the site. Nothing. Is the notification system broken? Is the notification system a myth, kind of like unicorns? Is there a conspiracy against me? What's going on here??

I like that you start with a poem because it grabbed my attention and made me wonder what was up. Who is Sherry? Why the poem on her notebook? Etc.

But I did really feel that it was a problem that almost all the writing is exposition - not much action. You should show your readers what is going on so they feel like they are in it - not just detached observers.

So instead of, "John was a boy in her Bio2 class that she has had a crush on since the second semester of freshman year," Write something like, "Sherry saw John and felt the blood rise to her cheeks. Ever since Freshman year, Sherry had found it more and more difficult to take her eyes off of those creamy brown eyes, that lazy grin." Or whatever.

I checked it out. It's very cute. Do you want some feedback/constructive criticism?

Hi, I'm new too. What kind of stuff do you like to write?

Easy!! I go to the library. Just reading all those delicious-sounding titles sends me spinning into another world.

This has some cool imagery. I like your style. You mentioned when you introduced yourself that you write poetry, and it really shows.

I am a little worried, based on this tidbit that this will turn out to be a 'woe is me I'm a lonely, misunderstood high-schooler' story. =\

This is neat. It moves at a nice fast pace and is very intriguing.

You did ask for feedback. If you really want to improve it, I noticed that you have a common writer's phobia and that is using the word 'said'. The word 'said' is one of the few invisible words in the English language, as someone much more eloquent then me put it, and endlessly using synonyms or attaching adjectives with the good intention of keeping your writing fresh just makes it stand out like a sore thumb.

This blog post has that, and many other valuable tidbits presented in an amusing way; http://community.livejournal.com/start_writing/5174.html

Best of luck! I'll definitely be back for more.

An intriguing start indeed.

I think I would have related to it better if I was a 12-year-old girl.

I need someone to critique and give general feedback for a couple of chapters for me. The length amounts to perhaps a page and a half in MS Word, but if you are willing to review just part, that would also be fabulous. I will of course return the favor.

Thank you!

I guess I assumed that since you posted it on a website where other people could read it (two actually if it's also on myspace), you wanted other people to read it and care about it. I was trying to tell you how to make future works more accessible so that people could understand and be moved by your ideas. My mistake. I'll remember next time I see your name on a story that LouisLegacy doesn't want others to read or care about his work. =)

Something I forgot; how much effort does it REALLY take just to check the grammar? If you have Microsoft word, it will do it for you in 10 minutes - probably less for a story this length. If you don't have Microsoft word, I KNOW you have internet and I KNOW you've heard of google. I just googled 'Grammar Checker' and got roughly 1,900,000 hits. Your turn.

"You too"?

Too = two?

Why should we hush? A writer should consider it a compliment if someone puts in the time to critique their work - even if it's a harsh critique.

Perhaps you're right about the cool concept but I could barely understand the thing, so it was lost on me. Maybe you guys are speaking a language of bad grammar that I just don't understand.

It's not bad for a first attempt... you are really on the right track with some of your imagery, but I DO wish it was more readable.

For the love of all that is good and holy could you PLEASE proof read your work before sharing. This isn't horrible but I'm baffled with the exceptionally high rating it's receiving. I could barely get through it. Lack of capitalization and grammar, a wealth of aggravating cliches, and sloppy prose. I hate to be the one mean scrooge, and I'm sure you are capable of much better, but this really needs work.

If you don't care enough about your reader to edit, why should they care about what you have to say?

Hey - I really enjoyed this. Thanks for posting up your take.

I don't know. Why don't you write a chapter and tell me? =)

Could you link me to it?

This is completely fabulous. Just thought you should know.

It was a good idea to start out with a bang. I can tell that something pretty heavy is going on after the breakup, but I'm not sure what it is or why I should care.

This story strikes me as sensationalism and not much else, which is completely fine depending on what kind of story you're trying to write. Based on the first chapter, I expect a story that would be particularly suitable for the 'Twilight' crowd but vapid and boring for mostly everyone else.

Hey - you had some very beautiful phrases in this, I was particularly gripped by the comparison of tree canopies to lace. I also felt very much like I was in the rainy setting you described.

I was bored by the many paragraphs of exposition. I think it was a mistake to explicitly say in the last paragraph that Willie doesn't fit in - we already knew from the first part. To make this better, I would go through and remove about three quarters of the piece. There is some repetition and much of your message could be conveyed more concisely or shown through action.

Also wondering; if you publish a story here, do you give StoryMash the rights to it? Can you publish it elsewhere later? Do you have any sort of legal protection against people stealing it? Not that my stuff is so great that people would want to steal it, I just want to be cautious... for that day far, far in the future when I might want to publish some of my stuff for real. Unlikely, but it doesn't hurt to be safe.

I know it's probably written somewhere in the terms of service or something, but I haven't been able to find it.

I wish to publish a story that contains a short quote from Hemingway. Will this land me in hot water? Thank you.

Hi guys, someone from Reddit pointed me here while I was bemoaning my lack of inspiration and the dank, smelly pit of writer's block despair I had fallen into. StoryMash seems like a cool idea, and I'm very psyched to be here since I tend to write scraps. So I hope to get to know some other cool writers and exercise my imagination a bit. I love sci-fi and very offbeat stuff like Chuck Palahniuk (spelling?) and George Saunders. So if you've written something like that, point me that direction!

You can call me Jinx or Dani if you prefer a name that feels a bit more personal. You can also invent fanciful alternate names for me, but I probably won't know who you're talking to.

-D