Discussion of "TSNK Ch.9: ‘Til Death Do Us Part" by JeremyD

This is a very powerful piece of writing. Jimmy has a whole new dimension to his character now, saying that he's been with Adara her whole life. However, I wonder if the second to last chapter is the right place to reveal this. Overall, I thought this was great! Adara "controlling" Jimmy was ingenious. And the subtle hints of the toll that all of this controlling is taking on Jimmy!
Great job!
EA

Oh, I don't vote till the official voting, just so you know!

I second EA on this. The narrative is very compelling, drew me in and made me want to keep reading. The look behind the curtain of Adara and Charlie and Jimmy is nicely handled. It could be that some of the dialogue is a little awkward, but not enough to do the story much harm. I didn't get "the old man's voice", I guess you are using the slang for spouse, but it threw me. Overall, I find any shortcomings to be easy to overlook at this time, because of the overriding power in the story. Good work!

Cornelius,

Thanks for your feedback and overall appreciation of my writings to date. I really appreciate it.
FYI, I may not be clear enough I'm sure, but I'd pictured a crickety old man's voice, I was going more for creepy, and perhaps as old as time. hmmm, I don't want to get too off course, just enough to show that this seed was planted much earlier, hence tying in looking through Fr. Preston's eyes as well. I'll see what I can do. Thanks!

EA,

I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it. I'm trying to keep my ideas clear so that the reader can enjoy. Honestly, I don't know what the 8th chapter has in store. I was going for a twist while avoiding new characters. I'll think on it. Thank you for the review.

"he stood there like a bloated Elvis." I love that line - great imagery, excellent show of how much Adara despises him. That, and it just cracks me up :-) Charlie was fittingly vile in this chapter, and that was most appropriately trumped by the icky nastiness of Jimmy having been with her all along. And an excellent use of Methra and Franco to arrive just in time to save her, tying up many loose ends - now all that's left if Jimmy! Quite well done overall.

Very good job, JeremyD! Like Cornelius, I had a bit of a problem with the old man's voice, but I see what you were striving for. I can't put my finger on it, and I freely admit to being a lousy critic; but, in a couple of cases the action within a scene jumps with no explanation as to how or why the jump occured. Dang...this won't do you any good. Ok, I'll stop here and go back and find examples. BRB.

My apologies...I'd read too fast and apparently skipped a line or two. No instances of action jumps as I'd mentioned earlier. Sorry for the alarm...lol.
All in all a very well written chapter. Great Job!

Well written chapter.

This could have used some more proof reading. There were some missing words here and there. Nothing too distracting though. I love the background with Charlie and Adara. You did a great job with that. I think you paced the information well so the action of the scene didn’t suffer, and overall the opening scene was really good. The one thing I wish you had elaborated on was how Jimmy Silent met Adara in the first place. Was he just surfing the psychic waves and found her, were they childhood friends? I think that part could have been clearer. Also, I think you could have elaborated on how Adara fits into the ‘Holy Work’ Jimmy thinks he’s doing. I liked Adara trying to turn the tables and use Charlie to find Jimmy. That was a nice twist and showed the reader that Adara might be stronger than Jimmy after all. I liked Adara’s epiphany as well. I’m not usually a fan of them, but I think in her case is was the right way to go. Franco arriving just in time at the end was a little too convenient for me. The time frame didn’t seem right. Adara sent out the call, Franco’s in the middle of the desert, and maybe fifteen minutes later he’s at her office? It just seemed too easy. Overall, I thought you did a great job!

There's a lot of suspense in your chapter and it definitely propelled me to keep reading. The addition of Charlie being controlled by Jimmy who has always loved Adara was very interesting. I did have to wonder, tho, if Charlie was ALWAYS controlled by Jimmy (and therefore Adara never had any real feelings for him b/c he treated her so heinously from way back when) and if not, WHY did Jimmy start controlling him? (e.g., how did Jimmy know Adara? Just from their psychic powers? And how did Charlie know Adara, and consequently, how did Jimmy know Charlie?) Also, the end was slightly confusing b/c it seems to imply that Charlie/Jimmy is still more powerful than Adara and I wasn't sure if we were to glean that Adara was able to summon Franco, or if that was somehow the work of Methra? Just some of the questions I had while reading, but overall nice job.

A great entry. Solid writing, tense action, and consistent characterization for all the players. You've made a real effort to close out threads from prior chapters and move the story towards its conclusion. I like Adara becoming more empowered here too. I was a little underwhelmed by the explanation of why Jimmy is controlling Charlie, and why the focus has been on Adara. Also you could have fleshed out the Methra/Franco characters more, and the business of Methra feeling Adara's "call" was a bit rushed. But you had a lot on your plate in chapter 9, and you did a fine job. 4

Great job picking up where the last chapter left off!

I'm a little confused by Charlie's opening dialogue--has he been completely out of Paige's and Adara's lives this whole time? That seems a little far-fetched to me. It seems as though we would have heard more about Charlie being an absent father figure before now.

Nice! I like that Jimmy is using Charlie as an agent. I'm honestly just glad that Charlie isn't a "bad guy"--that would have seemed a little too convenient.

"...but I’ve put you back with her so that I can be with her again, and things can be like they once were." --Creepy!!!

I'm glad that you gave us more background about Charlie and Adara's relationship.

I'm slightly skeptical that Adara seems to know so much about anatomy. She's a doctor, but not that type of doctor.

Ew, ew, ew. I got serious chills when we found out that Jimmy has been stalking Adara throughout her life. So disturbing!

Overall, this chapter was very well-written. Great job!