Ever heard of Pareto?

What about "Pareto's Law?"

You know, it's often referred to as the "80/20" rule, as in 80 percent of the money is controlled by 20 percent of the population.

Read an article the other day that said 80 percent of Americans had at one time or another contemplated suicide.

Pareto's Law at work, eh?

Count me in. I'm part of that 80 percent.Now, I'm not sure what percentage of that 80 percent actually truly considered offing themselves, but I'm one of them.

I really don't want to be around anymore and, besides, what the hell have I got to live for?

I mean, this past year has taught me that life pretty much sucks.

Actually, I already knew that. It's just, I used to better at dealing with it. I could roll with the punches. Deal with things like job loss, hair loss and an inability to make "weight loss" a part of my "loss" list.

Not anymore. I've had enough. I want out. I'm more than ready to move on to whatever comes next, which, according to my Christian sensibilities should be way, way better than this.  

Ah, but there's the rub. Isn't that how Shakespeare put it once?

Maybe it wasn't him and, really, I don't actually care who first said it at the moment. You can go look it up or just taken my word it was him.

What's the rub? Those "Christian sensibilities" of mine.

Hey, I don't practice it any more, but I was raised Catholic. In my twenties I switched to Episcopalian which is kind of like "Catholic Lite."

You know, all of the pomp and ceremony with a third less guilt.

'course, these days I don't see the inside of any church much,  But I'm still a Christian. Just not a particularly good one.

So my problem is, having been raised Catholic, I've got the problem that suicide is one of those biggies-- a "mortal sin," I think they used to call it.

As you may know, in the Catholic pantheon "mortal sins" are your basic "Go to directly to Hell, do not pass Go" type sins.

That's pretty harsh, man. And I don't necessarily believe it, but if you think you'd prefer Heaven to Hell (and I think the average person would), can you risk the Catholics being right?

Jeez, I don't know, maybe the Pope really does have like a direct line to God and every rule handed done by popes, cardinals and bishops over the past few thousand years actually are straight from God.

Even if you're miserable and can't take much more of this life, do you really want to risk a trip to Satan's sideshow for an eternity just to get out of here? O

dds are, it's called "Hell" for a reason.

Then there's Purgatory, which I'm sure is a pretty much also a Catholic thing, but kind of appealing in its way. Not exactly Heaven, but not exactly the "H-E-Double Hockey Sticks" place either.

And an added bonus with Purgatory is, if I'm remembering right, eventually you get into Heaven. I guess it's kind of like being on probation. You serve out some time in Purgatory, waiting to fulfill the terms of your probation and finally get in.

So, how do I get out of this miserable, f-ing existence and make sure I don't end up in the wrong place?

Now, I know according to Paul, if I accept Jesus as my savior (which I have), then I'm almost an automatic for getting into Heaven. But, suicide is kind of "unchristian like," and Paul didn't have to worry about ending his own life, some non-believer types did it for him.

Made him a martyr and all that.

Martyrs are guaranteed entry through the pearly gates, right? So how does a guy like me turn himself into a martyr?And I'd like to do it quickly, you know?

I really don't want to make it to my next birthday.

Being 40 is bad enough. 41 would mean like I'm officially middle-aged (or maybe that's 50; either way, I don't want to see my forty-first, okay?)

I tried googling suicide, but it wasn't much help. There have been plenty of people who've done it, but apparently none of them had the foresight to arrange some way to let those they left behind know that they made it into Heaven.

I did see some "how to" links for suicide, but none of them were very original. And none of them had any kind of "do-it-this-way" and you still get in instructions attached.

You know, I've probably managed to pile up enough sins that I'm heading straight to Hell anyway. But I have asked God for forgiveness and, again according to Paul, I should be forgiven.

Important note to self-- I think the Catholic Church traces its roots to Peter, not Paul.

Does that mean you have to choose which of those New Testament types you follow or what? Personally I always liked the Gospel of Luke, which I didn't read until my late twenties.

You know, in the Catholic Church you really don't read the Bible much, unless of course you want to.

They never made us read the Bible in Catechism, unlike my Baptist cousin whose Sunday school classes drilled the Bible into him.

Now don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Catholicism, other than the fact that it's making this whole "suicide thing" more difficult than it should be. I

t's just after Sandy got that abortion, I kind of felt like a hypocrite attending Mass on Sundays since that's one of the big no-no’s among Catholics.

So how's a guy who doesn't want to be here, on Earth, off himself and make sure he doesn't end up in the wrong place?

Surely I'm not the first potential suicide to contemplate this stuff? Why isn't there a manual or something?

Why am I asking you?

Anyway, here's what I've figured out. I really don't want to end up spending eternity burning in Hell. That just doesn't sound like too great of an alternative to my current situation.

So I've got to get creative. I’ve got to figure out a way to end it all, without being penalized for it.

I'm too old to join the Army, so I can't sign up and hope to be killed in action or have some dumbass on the shooting range accidentally nail me instead of a target.

Besides, the dumbass might just wound me, thereby making the whole join the Army and go to boot camp thing an exercise in futility.

But, like I said, it's not an option anyway. As desperate as the military may be for warm bodies, especially given the mess that Dubya's created in the Middle East, 36 is the cut off age to join.

I know. I visited a recruiting office yesterday to see if I could sign up and possibly be accidentally killed on the firing range or sent off to a reasonably glorious end on some battle field. Altough, is it all that glorious to get suicide-bombed to death?

The Sergeant I talked to was nice enough, admired my apparent "do-my-part-for-my-country" gusto, but he said 36 was the cutoff.

Now, as long as you're in by 36, you can stick around for another 20 years or more. But for some reason, even though I actually know a guy in the Air Force that's 50, none of the armed services will take my 40-year-old ****.

Is this a great country, or what? Let's send all our young guys off to war, and keep the old, useless types like me nice and safe back at the home front.

Didn't the Vikings or someone require that all old guys go off to war and get slain? And didn't getting slain in battle guarantee entry into Valhalla?

Hey, now there's a Heaven for you. Booze, partying and women for eternity. Maybe those Vikings were onto something.

Okay, so I'm still stuck with how to exit this world, sooner rather than later, and end up in a better place.

This is going to require some thought. And maybe a little ingenuity.

After all, if the Catholics are right (and they might be), I'm basically trying to outsmart God, commit a mortal sin and still get into Heaven.

Which makes absolutely no sense. But as I see it, I don't have much in the way of choices.

Although I can choose how I'm exiting stage left. I least I think I can.