want to participate?
login or register

Discussion of "The Trader Chronicle, 5" by Jackoalltrades

1 dogdeity11 8 years, 6 months ago Reply

Jackoalltrades – I stand by my comments in the last chapter that stated the entire flashback should have been one chapter instead of being broken into two.
Now, as I stated early on in my comments, Fantasy style Sci-Fi isn’t really my genre of choice. So it is definitely a testament to your writing prowess that you have kept my attention so long. I love your characters and I care about what’s going to happen.
I think this flashback scene was perfect timing in the story. Sentences like the following keep me coming back for more: “They looked like fat stubby fingers grabbing greedily at the wealth the river represented. Hosus resented this perversion of nature, but she understood the necessity.” Flat out awesome!
That being said, this chapter felt really rushed toward the end. You spent two chapters developing how Hosus and Pral meet, then cram everyone else into one small paragraph. No fair…you owe your characters and your reader more than that!
Also, in Chap 2, you write: ‘ “I hate it when she scouts alone,” grumbled Bertran. He was fiercely protective of the lithe thief, for they and Nar had grown up in the same village and considered each other family.’
In this one you credit Pral for recruiting Bertran and Nar.
Continuity my friend. Unless I misunderstood something, which is always possible.
At any rate…another five. (Borderline though cause of that ending! When you publish this you better change that)

  hidden comment from dogdeity11 with score of 1
1 Jackoalltrades 8 years, 6 months ago Reply

The flashback was one chapter, at least handwritten. SM's word count caused me to edit that.

  hidden comment from Jackoalltrades with score of 1
1 dogdeity11 8 years, 6 months ago Reply

I figured as much! thanks for the clarification.

  hidden comment from dogdeity11 with score of 1
Add Comment