Interesting take on the aftermath of Dragon Age!

You have a lovely, smooth writing style that makes for easy reading. I have only one bit of nitpicking as far as grammar goes. You write:

“Can I go to the bathroom?” he looked at me in disbelief. I popped it again.

It looks like the professor is the one asking to use the bathroom. End the sentence with the quotation and then start a new paragraph with 'He looked at me in disbelief.'

I'm not sold on the characters yet--so far, they seem too stereotypical. The quarterback is an obnoxious jerk and so forth. That's an easy fix, though, if you add depth to them as the story continues.

I'm looking forward to more!

Welcome Santoshi :)

Thanks for the welcome, everyone!

Welcome from another newbie!

Welcome from another newbie!

I think Aggeloi's comments are spot on--it's hard to add anything. I, too, am unsure how I feel about Cindy at the moment or her abrupt change from smug superiority to feelings of worthlessness and envy. I can see how the two sides fit together, sort of, but I found myself surprised that Cindy was so conscious of the envy she felt. I'd have thought she was hiding that even from herself.

I found myself wondering if Cindy's friends would buy her story about Mike. As Aggeloi pointed out, it sounded just like a romance novel! I suspect that Cindy's friends already have experiences with her fantasies and may just be playing along . . .

Once again, I think you need to show more and tell less. For example, instead of writing, "
This made John mad," try, "John clenched his fists" or "John gritted his teeth."

But I think there's a larger problem: I found myself not believing John's actions. I understood his anger--although I wish he'd realize that being mistaken for gay isn't the worst thing that will ever happen to him--but I had a hard time viewing him as disturbed enough (and stupid enough) to bring a gun to school.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't know John well enough yet. Ok, you told me that he has some issues at home--but so what? So do lots of kids, and the overwhelming majority would never hold another kid at gunpoint. Find a way to make me really feel John's anger--to make me realize how crushed he is by this rumor. Show me how shaky his confidence is, show me how he's desperate to be perceived as a 'real man.' Give me some indication of what he thinks of gay kids--I'm guessing his mind is filled with negative stereotypes.

Don't mistake me; I still think this story has potential. I hope this critique helps you realize it.

I think you can make this chapter much stronger by (surprise, surprise) showing us how John is feeling rather than telling us. Instead of "Our story begins," I'd start with something like "John trudged up the steps of his high school, dreading his English class."

It's unfortunate, but realistic, that John would be miserable because of a rumor that he's gay. The homophobia in some high-schools is terrifying. (That may be changing, but it's a slow process.)

I'd watch out for 'information-dumping.' You don't have to tell us about John's father in chapter one. Give us a sense of John's ordinary life at home instead, and leave us wondering why his father's not around.

Despite these problems, I think you have a fine story here. I'm looking forward to more.

I agree with JD: I'd love for you to show us the kid fidgeting, staring at the clock, etc.

However, I disagree with JD's contention that, having used up his anger, John wouldn't go through with his suicide attempt. If he's angry enough at himself or someone else--or even at a situation he perceives as unbearable--I can certainly buy the attempt. (And I certainly hope it's not successful.)

I'll be catching up with the rest soon . . .