Discussion of "Baby Oil Surprise" by JEWELZ

LOL you were targeted by the police.

Your story was way too graphic for me. I couldn't even read the whole thing. That's okay, though. Some people are into that. But I did have to comment to say that your title is awesome. Everytime I read the title on the "Stories" page I laugh. I love it! Baby Oil Surprise. That's great!

The eroticism is great but the mechanics of everything seem odd for some reason. Love the heat and excitement, but sort of repetitive on the description of your dripping, soaking love tunnel.

I would build on the foreplay and more gradually move into the fever pitch of your love-making. Great stuff and I can only assume one terrific night for both of you. Love those Monsoon nights in July and August in Phoenix.

Thanks for the comments and criticism,its all helpful to me but to the last comment that was made, I have to say there are only so many words out there to describe sexual experiences without sounding just plain stupid,writing these types of stories is not as easy as you might think.Most women writers who write porn their stories are categorized as soft I wanted to make the statement that women can write the hard stuff too. I do apologize if I have offended anyone here that was not my intention, I just found this place while in the process of getting my writing career off the ground and thought maybe it could help.

Hi Jewelz:) I think this little bit of erotica has potential. But there are a few things you should consider. Your grammar needs some attention, you have a few run-ons, commas in incorrect places, etc. Nothing that really detracts from the point of the story, but erotica should be just as well crafted as anything else and grammatical details count. I think you’re lacking a really important element to erotica (or to sex in general I guess) in this story and that’s foreplay. You need to build up the tension for the reader so we feel the release. Lick our earlobes or something, we need to feel the love:) And watch the adjectives. When you use too many you lessen their effect. Adjectives can have great impact but when they are over-used they aren’t as noticeable. Great job though, keep up the good work!

I agree with honeygloom. Lots of potential here. A couple of simple points.

1) I've always found that it's what comes before and after the sex itself that makes the sex hot. You don't need a ton of character building and foreplay, but a little goes a long way.

2) Show, don't tell. You can reveal details and actions to the reader by letting them watch the events, like a movie. I can give examples if you like.

3) About the "how many ways can you say pussy" problem... How I solve that is that I have two or three standard words or terms I use, and I tend to alternate between them, or to change my sentence structure for variety. It's okay to repeat the terms as long as your style doesn't become overly forced. This works even when you're trying to be explicit. I can give examples if you like.

Overall, I think your work has a lot of promise.

This is a good story, but there were just a few problems. Mostly grammar stuff, but that's not too big of a deal to me. But, the story itself was a bit rushed. There was some oil and some sex, but that was it.

Also, I think you accidently changed from past to present tense for a moment.

And, this isnt really a big problem, but you used the word "p.u.s.s.y" quite a lot.

Other than that, it was good. Very hot.

Thank You Everyone for the constructive criticism.It makes me want to push myself to do better Thanks very much!

I've noticed that people who are experimenting with erotica, in particular first time writers; tend to have some very long run on sentences in those passages where the passion is most intense. Hmm, wonder why that is? I think it's because the writer is re-living or fantasying the scene and his/her fingers move much quicker during those parts of the story...LOL. Were I to write erotica...ahem....I would certainly read a lot of "makoallen" for pointers!!