Discussion of "A Modern Horror - 2" by JD_Renaissance

I am so impressed and thrilled with this chapter! You kept the essential theme of Trina's innocence coupled with the "guilty until proven innocent" mentality of the neighborhood - and added in a very chilling new villain and some fascinating new characters. I love the development of those already in play, and the introduction of Maggie and Mark was beautifully done. I can't wait to see how this goes from here!

Thanks, Aggeloi!

I've wanted to mash this since I first read it. Just haven't gotten around to it until now. Thank goodness for the Masher's Round. :) I thought about adding another character - a dog - but felt there are too many bad things that can happen to a dog in this kind of story.

I did feel the first section - Trina in the bathroom and moving through her house - reads a little disjointed and I'm not sure if this fits or not. Should I rework it before publishing or do you think it fits?

I thought the beginning part from Trina's POV was great. The disjointed feel is there, but I felt that was because she'd been assaulted in her own home, vandalized, robbed, etc - her brain is pretty frazzled at this point! The disjointed train of writing reflects that emotion to the reader. You did a great job filling in a bit more of her character - the artwork, the sensitivity, the concern for the kids, etc - I thought it was great!

Although I do agree that the first section fit with the style and pov, I did think it was a bit confusing and the transitions could have been smoother. It was almost like several days and several attacks had all happened in a blink of an eye but when you started out it read like it was the following morning after the first attack.

Anyways, I think you did an excellent job JD. New, interesting, full of a story within itself, characters of Mark and Maggie. Outstandingly introduced. The creepy guy from down the street has my full attention. 5 stars.

I honestly thought the dates and the fact it was a scar and not a cut on her head would give enough to the reader to show time had passed. I'll work better on the transitions from now on though.

Thanks, Dkk! I'm so glad that the new characters and the creepy neighbor came across so well.

Maybe I didn't notice the scar comment, either way I thought it was great. Just my opinion is that is was a little ackward in the beginning with time.

JD, I thought the chapter was engrossing. I felt Trina's pain at losing all of the things she loves and her conflict about wanting to try again to find purpose in her life. She is living a true horror.

And this is only chapter two.

Thanks, DJ. I can't wait to see what happens to Trina in chapter 3.

Another chapter that made me feel sick to my stomach. Another deceptive building of events that seems to suggest it will be one or both of the two girls going missing, only to prove it wrong at the very end.

One small nitpick, at the beginning, you mentioned the man making a threat? All I remember is him saying basically "get out of our neighborhood," and generally I think of an actual threat as being the "or else (insert consequence here)" part. I reread to make sure I wasn't missing anything, but I got a few paragraphs in before I realized there was no specific threat mentioned. Did I miss something? or was it just maybe not the best choice of words?

Also, read your comment about not putting a dog in because too many bad things could happen to a dog in a story like this. I thought you could have used a dog in here to great effect, and considering how this story deals with horrific things possibly about to happen to children, leaving a dog out to avoid it getting harmed seems... I don't have a good word that wouldn't sound insulting, and that's not what I'm going for. In a story like this, violence toward an animal is about the least horrific thing that could happen, in comparison. Of course, I wouldn't be able to make that critique had I not seen your comment, but knowing that was what kept you from adding that character, next time I'd say go for it.

I actually didn't realize there was not "or else" in his threat. (I'll have to take better notes on my next mash.) I guess when reading it, I just put two and two together - if someone wants you out of town bad enough to invade your home and strike you, then the "or else" is kinda implied.

As for the dog, I'm a believer that stories should have a happy ending. Which means I would like this story to end with all major characters alive except perhaps the bad guy. A dog would have been a way to have some violence/shock - especially against Trina by her neighbors or against Mark the cop - without hurting the kids. I have a real hard time with stories that have dogs that get hurt or killed. Not knowing how everyone else was going to work this story, I didn't want to take that chance.

Thanks for the Feedback, Ace. It is appreciated.

Wow - this builds dramatically on the tension created in the first chapter. Trina's pain came through loud and clear, and the new characters were introduced very well. I did have some trouble with the time line - had to go back and check dates - the way that beginning is written does seem like it's the next day, though it does later feel like more time has passed. My other biggest nit-pick is that there are a couple sentences with incorrect punctuation. ("Yet, where could she go." needed a question mark - one other sentence like that, I believe. And when the Mark was talking to Maggie, "She won't grab her hair?" was used as more of a statement than a question - at least it didn't make sense to me for it to be a question in that context, but it's late and I'm tired, so sorry if I'm seeing it wrong...) :)
I liked the interaction with the girls - very true to life. And loved the suspense at the end, and the switch you pulled. This was a very good addition!

Thanks, Shadinah!

I agree, now that I've had a chance to reread it after some time, that the time transition was difficult. I could have put something in there to indicate time had passed right away. Live and learn and keep writing, right? :D

And thanks for catching those punctuation errors. Ugh. No matter how hard I edit and go over things, there always seem to be errors - and they almost always involve punctuation. :)

Thanks again!

I didn't pay the slightest attention to the timeline and I certainly didn't catch the punctuation errors. What I read was the story and, my god, JD; you took Aggeloi's fabulously well written, plotted and characterized story start and made it brilliant! This could (and probably should) be continued into a novella or perhaps a full novel. It has so much more potential than "just" a story.

The introduction of the new characters, the tension build, the intricacies of Trina's emotional state, the web that she's entwined in and the twists to the storyline are absolutely fantastic. If I could, I'd give this chapter double the five stars allowed!

Wow...! Thank you so much, WWB. :D