Discussion of "Mad Dash" by JD_Renaissance

Sorry everyone who left comments on the other draft. The formatting kept messing up so I had to delete that draft and start all over. :(

Here is the updated, longer version.

Yes.

The two questions in the second to last paragraph are unnecessary and feel like a TV announcer promoting the cliffhanger, but otherwise, it's much better.

Fave: it would have made a great lesson on how to speed past opponents. Always multi-thinking. Self-deprecating. Nice touch with the 9-1-1 and dropped phone. Did Emergency Services answer?

Well played, JD. Well played.

YES! The added tension with the phone, more cops in the chase, longer version...muy excellente! ;o)

Agreed with both above, and I also have to note his ire towards his wife was excellent - we'd already seen that she had enough sway to get him to coach a soccer team that neither he nor his son had any interest in, so his resentment towards her really fits.

Thank you everyone for your help and comments. I'm glad that the additions worked out so well in building tension and adding to the story. I can't wait to see where this one goes now. :D

JD, I commented on the first version of this chapter, but didn't comment on the newer posting.

This longer chapter is much more tense and attention-grabbing. Worth the wait.

Thanks, DJ!

I had a few technical gripes, but overall, this was very well done. I did wonder why he hadn't called 911 immediately, but you gave a logical explanation. By the end, I was on the edge of my seat. Nice work!

Thanks, Shadinah!

What technical gripes did you have? I only ask so as to avoid them in future chapters.

Thanks again! :D

Okay, since you asked for it...
"Hell, I havn’t cried since Michael was three..." (typo haven't - surprised spell check didn't catch that one)

The sentance "That and having your son taken from you in the middle of a soccer game that you wanted nothing to do with in the first place and only did so the wife would quit nagging about quality time and missing my son growing up and…" doesn't sit right with me. I understand its a purposeful run-on, and really don't know how you might reword it. Well, maybe use sentance fragments? Though I just got blasted for doing that, so maybe that's not the best choice... (yes, take all my advice with a grain of salt, because I like the way you wrote your chapter a lot better than how I wrote mine! lol)

The line "I don’t bother to wipe the tears away. Instead, I speed up, the Volvo still in sight, though now pretty far away." could be reworded slightly so away is not repeated. "...though further ahead." would probably do.

Curious - he sees the big bold letters of his wife's latest text but ignores it. Does that mean he didn't read it? It was unimportant?

The line "The van bumps up..." didn't sound quite right either - "The van hits a bump..." might have a better ring to it.

I don't recall all the detailed grammar rules - that's my sister's forte - but I find that when something is off, it tends to catch my eye while I'm reading.

All that being said, I love what you did to this chapter. I like how he started as a worried father, then became more frantic and disjointed toward the end. The intensity is incredible.

Thanks, Shadinah, for catching these!

I'm surprised the spell check didn't catch "havn't" also. But then, I could have just missed the little red line at the bottom.

I'm not quite sure how to break up the run on without "breaking it up". I didn't want too much punctuation so that it would seem like a continuous stream of thoughts that spiraled out of control. Hm...

I agree with the "away" part.

He intentionally ignored the text because he doesn't want to deal with her right now, he wants to focus solely on saving his son. He doesn't need/want to intentionally add her fuel to his fire.

I also agree with the van bumping part. :)

You are right. When something doesn't sound right, it is most likely something that needs to be fixed, whether it's grammatically incorrect or it simply doesn't flow.

Thanks again! If we ever go back and do edits and such, I'll definitely keep all this in mind. :D