Discussion of "Renaissance: Starlight 4:20pm" by JD_Renaissance

I love it. Phys is great - and as someone who isn't a fan of long descriptive passages, I LOVED how you worked in the description of him in terms of her thinking about how to describe him to Max. Thomas' reaction when Phys asked if they were mates was priceless - well done!

So glad you liked it, Aggeloi. I love being descriptive. Yet, I noticed in the books I read I can't stand reading long descriptions that aren't broken up with some kind of action. My eyes are now open and I hope that my writing continues to improve because of this discovery.

I echo everything Aggeloi said, exept for the fact that I am a fan of descriptions. I think you did it in a way that made it not boring and very personally educational. If that made any sence at all! lol I think sometimes people try and do the same thing, but get it all wrong. Your words were beautiful. This was much longer than the previous ones, and I loved it. I'm hooked.

I did notice one thing though. And this may be just my own style of writing or my own personal opinion. This sentence: "...she felt completely taken aback by the person standing beside a flabbergasted Thomas, she wasn’t surprised by what she saw." I think after 'Thomas" there should be a period starting a new sentence instead of a comma. I don't know, maybe it's just me. lol Good work JD.

I should amend my statement - I'm not a fan of lengthy descriptions... and I liked yours. So that says a lot!!! :)

Dkk - the sentence you're referring to is actually correct as is. The entire sentence reads, "AND YET, THOUGH she felt completely taken aback by the person standing beside a flabbergasted Thomas, she wasn’t surprised by what she saw." (Emphasis mine.)

The main sentence is, "And yet, she wasn't surprised by what she saw." This is a whole sentence on its own. The interjected phrase is, "Though she felt completely taken aback by the person standing beside a flabbergasted Thomas," which is not a whole sentence on its own. It's an explanatory phrase, and is separated from the full text of the sentence by commas.

I will say that the length of it makes it a little confusing, however, the sentence is grammatically correct.

(Thus saith the grammar nazi.)

Huh... The grammar nazi just noticed that the second to last sentence should have a semicolon instead of a comma before "however." Oh well!

either way it was just my personal opinion. I would have seperated it. I'm not saying it wasn't correct.

:) A rewording of the sentence to separate it into two sentences would work. It couldn't be broken up as is, since that would make the first part into a sentence fragment... but rewording would fix it. And I do agree - the wording is a little awkward to read as it is.

:)

Makes sense Dkk. Glad you liked this one, descriptions and all. :D

Wow, go off on the grammer huh? Well ,,,,....::::: so there!

JD, it was a wonderful story, I hope this can turn into something wonderful for you. I love Renni and Thomas's relationship right now. The grandfatherly description was spot on with Phys.

*Goes into conniptions and collapses in a heap, whispering, "Grammar... grammar..."*

Breathe, Aggeloi. Deep breaths now. :D

Thank you, LadyLuck. I'm really glad this is turning out so well so far. I'm also glad Phys did come off as grandfatherly.

Completely agree with Aggeloi's comment. This was the perfect place to bring in a new character and that character being a Harbinger physician, was genius. Excellent writing!

On another hand, I'm really curious about the names "Harbinger" and "Mongerer". As they are described in your story, they don't fit us poor humanoids vocabulary definitions...lol. Please make me smart(er)...;o)

Thanks, WWB. As far as the names, their origin will be revealed later on in the story as a part of the story (Renni learning more about the two peoples).

Wonderful! I am enjoying this story so much! :)

Thank you, LadyA!