Discussion of "Nikah" by JD_Renaissance

Wow. Graphic, visceral, and fierce. You captured the brutality and hopelessness of war. The action was great - well done!

Thanks, Aggeloi! I'd been hemming and hawing over finishing this one for a while now and decided to give it a go today. I'm glad you liked it and that the action worked out. Thanks again. :D

JD, I'm almost speechless...but, only almost. This is doubtlessly among the very best I've ever read here on SM...or, anywhere else, now that I think about it.

Assuming that you have never actually lived through a battle, a war or even a particularly bloody bar fight; the accuracy of physical pain, the blood, the destruction resultant from an explosive were all so well done that I find it hard to credit the assumption.

Small details like the shard in Nikahs' (a fabulous name, by the way) side, the removal of which would cause her to bleed to death, the damage done to bodies and things and finally, your word-smithing that perfectly described the indomitable human spirit was awe inspiring!

Now I'm the one who's speechless... almost. Thank you, my friend, for your wonderful praise. It really means the world to me.

No, I have never lived through anything like this in reality. Do dreams count?

:D

Yea, verily...dreams count, as do fertile imaginations, remembering grandpa's war stories, reading a war novel, fantasy novel or sci-fi novel, or interviewing a vet (not the necessarily the doctor kind)...;o).

Dreams, yes. Fertile imagination, yeah. War stories from family or vets, only a rare few and dialed down for young ears.

Excellent descriptions. I am looking forward to whatever dialogue Nikah and her kind would have with these allies whom Nikah herself does not appear to have a lot of experience with.

Thanks, Al. I'm looking forward to it as well, though I'm not sure yet if I'm the one who'll be writing it. :D

Very entertaining...as I read this I could visualize the war as it took place. The emotions of Nikah, the ally, and the enemy are felt through your storytelling. A very strong introduction to a world many will never know, including myself. Powerful writing.

Thank you, Theblackhand!

That was really good! Never have a read a war story because I'm really not that into war. But your story was amazing and hopefully there will be a future for this story.?
:)

Thanks, Mexican. I'm not all that into war myself but thought this would be a great opening scene for a sci-fi. I am, however, glad this came across so well. I'm not sure what the future holds for this one. Will it be mashed? Will I continue it? Not sure yet; I guess we'll see. Again, thank you for your wonderful comments.

JD, this is an amazing chapter. Agg, you used the word I was going to: visceral.

I also like keeping "the enemy" and "the ally" anonymous at this point. Would be a good sci-fi opening.

Thanks, Djinndarme!

I am going to be the black sheep here but it's only because I admire you. Good things first:
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You are, without doubt, a wordsmith. And you know where our buttons are. Good for you.
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The scene is absolutely convincing, I second writerwannabe's praise about believability and I'll throw in that as a reader, I was at the edge of my seat, holding my breath, every paragraph.
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The ambiguous enemy and ally are nice. However, again, I feel you're being lazy. You're talented enough to do more than just write "the enemy" or "the ally" over and over. All sides have created slangs and terminology by now, proper and not so proper, and as you have already determined the enemy wears black armor, it makes it even easier to invent those terms and still retain the mystery.
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I don't like the removing of helmet. There's not enough expansion around it to make the stated reason really fit. And you told us that he removed it, and why. Later, we see that it's removal was necessary for Nikah to kill it, so then it feels (to me) contrived. I can believe the helmet removal but *make* me believe it. I can also believe that her one heroic attempt happens to hit the weak point in their armor, or a crack. Or maybe the helmet was damaged and the enemy was forced to remove it. *Maybe* she had never seen one before.
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The ending. Good setup for the next scene. On one hand, it is your piece and you know where you want it to go. On the other hand, it's an open write site and you just potentially robbed someone of a good opportunity. The veil beyond death is one of those places in the literal world that has no walls. Your imagination is, quite literary, unbound. What could have happened here, in this space? A conversation with a loved one? An enigma? A discovery, a new tangent of war? It is highly likely the next scene written would have been what you towed it to anyway, but we'll never know and I think an opportunity was lost here.
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You are fabulous, though. I still want to put you in my pocket.

Thank you again for your praise. I'm glad it held you at the edge of your seat.

As for the enemy and the ally, as I was writing it from Nikah's point of view only, and as she didn't know much about the allies except the rumors, there isn't much more for her to call them except allies. Also, she is wounded and dying; everything is stark to her. To flourish and add "nicknames" would, I think, have broken that feel. I wanted her to have a disjointed feel regarding the two others in the scene - how she needed an ally and how she hated the evil enemy. Keeping them ambiguous also gives the next writer, whomever they may be, a great opportunity to expand upon the story and to add a little of their own imagination to it.

The removing of the helmet was because the enemy wanted the ally to see its face. Obviously, or so I hope, there is a vendetta between the two - whether personal or between their species. One way this is shown is the enemy removed his gloves to strangle the ally with his bare hands. I know I didn't put in there that the enemy removed his helmet because he wanted the ally to see him. But I did think it would be somewhat apparent. In a further paragraph, Nikah thinks about how the enemy wanted an audience - someone to watch what he was about to do. The enemy felt he had the ally completely within his power and therefore did not need the helmet to protect him anymore - feeling instead he wanted the ally to see him and see how he did not fear him.

As for the ending - I wanted the ending to push past the oblivion - for her to live, despite all odds and evidence against her. That was/is, in essence, the true point of the piece - the indomitable human spirit. It makes a great setup for future additions because, for all intents and purposes, she should be dead. My leaving it the way I did, with her alive, forces the readers and prospective writers to ask why, how, and who or what could be involved. This also creates a nice meshing of ambiguity and structure for future chapters.

Thanks again for your comments. They are most welcome. :D I'm glad you enjoy my work.

I do very much enjoy your work. Thank you for sharing it. Let me expand on my commentary.
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Enemy/ally - I do like the ambiguity, and it is considerate to leave the identities open for interpretation. It is indeed Nikah's view, and her distortion of it does come through. But at the point of the enemy aiming it's gun, withstanding an explosion while she is 'dying in pieces' (great little line, btw)... at that point, I was wishing for "black bastard" or "overtanked ant" or "insert racial/ethnic slur"... something that showed her resentment she was dying by this thing's hands.
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The helmet thing is nitpicky. I understood that the enemy wanted the ally to see him and that he had total control, etc. I just didn't feel it with the same oomph that is behind the other emotions/thoughts this piece provokes, so I whine.

Thanks for the clarification. I see what you mean now about the ally and the enemy and though I'm glad I wrote it the way I did, your suggestion does have merit and I'll keep that in mind the next time I write a similar piece.

As for the helmet, I also understand that I could have written that better - expressed better the enemy's intentions and Nikah's thoughts regarding. If I ever do a rewrite of this, I'll be sure to work on trying to create those emotions and thoughts without losing the pacing. :) (Or, if I write a continuation, I could always highlight it as Nikah thinks back on the events of the battle.)