All Comments by JD_Renaissance

Yay, it's back! Don't know what you did, but thanks Katrina - You're the best!

No worries. Any luck?

Not complaining or anything like that. I know glitches happen - if it is even a glitch. Just a little disconcerting, writing and posting my first starter chapter in months to have it disappear before anyone's had a real chance to read it. However and again, no worries.

Okay, Katrina -

I was looking for my latest story on the main story page titled The Dance (Under the default "hottest") and it isn't showing. Checked up to five pages back and still not seeing it. At all. If I click on "Most Recent" or go to my profile, it's there. But when I go to the default stories page - nothing. Not sure what would cause this or how to fix it. Hope you can shed some light. Thanks!

Thanks, Aggie! Corriander was a blast to write, one of my favorite SM villains thus far.

Thanks, Cheese. It's always a pleasure to read your work as well. Glad you liked it.

Thanks, Norcia. Actually, rhyming names wasn't intentional - I started out with Corriander and when I felt I needed a first name too, Alexander popped into my head and I liked it because it means leader (in so many words). The shortness of the chapter, however, was intentional. Sometimes, when introducing antagonists, it's better to keep things short and (un)sweet at the very beginning to help build suspense and mystery.

Thank you! Nice to see no complaints. I'll have to work a little harder next time for that coveted five stars from ya! ;)

Thanks! I totally and completely agree about what you're saying and "not saying."

Thanks WWB! I noticed after publishing that I initially called the "protector" from the earlier chapters it and then switched to he after revealing he was Alex's brother. However, it could be read as intentional if one takes into account Anderson's personality - a blatant disrespect for Alex's brother by calling him it instead of he or him and changed only after Alex started calling him he. I'm gonna stick with that for now and say it was intentional until someone calls me out on some major yet somewhat logical BS-ing. (I also realize there might be some confusion when reading the dialogue regarding it taking her to them and I can't BS my way out of that oopsie.)

All in all this was a fun story to mash and I'm looking forward to where it goes from here. As far as whether my sojourn back into the world of SM might be more than just a cameo... too early to tell. ;) As you said, we'll see.

I'm glad you stuck with Gail in this one. Descriptions, delicious. Flow, a little stilted at points, but not quite sure if that was intentional or not. It did fit in certain places, her sense of urgency mingling with her uncertainty regarding her "helper." In other places, it felt a little like you struggled to get the thought out the way you wanted.

There was one section where you almost/kind of switched to an omniscient third person POV instead of an individual third person POV. While the sentence was exquisitely written, it also didn't quite fit. ("A glimpse of the dental metamorphosis inside the stranger's mouth would likely have sent her screaming, sans all of her luggage to find the nearest policeman; or better yet, a priest, for the strangers teeth were now quite large and demonically pointed.")

All that said, brilliant as usual, WWB. (I might be a smidgen biased, having read so much of your other work.) Creative. Definitely adds to the mystery and intrigue. Leaves me wanting more. Well done!

Not too shabby of a beginning here. A few repetitive descriptions cut the flow towards the beginning. Character interactions, nicely done. Interesting premise. One can tell there wasn't much time or afterthought devoted to it, though you'd mentioned in a comment elsewhere on the site you prefer pounding it out and submitting it with the minimalist amount of waiting and rewriting. As a fan of waiting and rewriting, I would love to see what this chapter could become with some real devotion to it. Otherwise, vastly intriguing.

All in all, well written. A great setup for future mashes.

Thank you for your wonderful comment.

No, I don't think they are vampires, though that is entirely up to the next contributor(s). Personally, I'd like to see them as something completely different, but again, it's up to those brave and talented souls who choose take a stab at continuing the story.

I'll try to take some time later on this evening to peruse your work. Thanks again.

Another oldie but goldie back and at it with the fourth installment to the Pledge story. Enjoy!

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/gihowivo/

I'm glad to see you've added another chapter. You did well in keeping the mystery and pacing and your dialogue has improved since the previous chapter. :) Well done.

Very well written, Synapto. Glad to see you're back.

Not too shabby, Stormbird. There were a few lines in there that broke the overall rhythm of the piece, but the message came through clear. Well done.

Taking the plunge once again. Anyone else out there signing up this year?

Welcome back to the site, Doc.

I hope things are more pleasant and calm for you now.

(P.S. I am not, nor have I ever been, a dude. ;) However, your words are much appreciated.)

Heading to vote now. ;) Good luck in the contest.

I'm surprised people aren't taking advantage of this opportunity. Here are all these posts and "chapters" complaining that no one comments on their stories offering a real critique and suddenly one of the best, not by rank or comments but by quality, writers on this site offers his insight and only one person bites. Jeepers. Who would have thought so many people have an aversion to tapioca.

Lol - no worries. I know a book is vastly different in time and energy commitments than a single chapter here on SM. However, as a recipient to one of your critiques, and as an avid reader of several of your others, I appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Well said, Nash. I also believe every list should include tapioca.

There is nothing I've posted on this site I would like your input on. Most of my chapters were practices posted for general feedback from my peers. I haven't posted any new stuff for quite a while and haven't been inclined to do so any time soon.

That being said, I do have a request. I would rather have your feedback on something a little more important to me than my chapters here. I'm currently working on my book (have been off and on for a few years now). It isn't ready to be read yet, but when it is, would you consider reading and offering feedback. Aggeloi and WWB have both expressed their interest. I would love to add your moniker to my list of readers.

Intriguing direction you took with this one and the last line ended this chapter well. I'm not quite certain it really fits with the initial chapter, though I am flattered you took my little tidbit and turned into something more substantial. All in all, a well written chapter that kept me reading until the end. Well done.

This will sound terrible, but this is the first I've noticed anyone had continued this piece. First off, this is fairly well done - a few typos here or there, but you really set the scene. The dialogue could use a bit of tweaking, however, dialogue is a difficult aspect to conquer. Thank you for adding a continuation to my start chapter. Well done.

Katrina, I've been having the same issue for about a month and a half now. No worries, just thought you should know.

This is quite well done for a twelve-year-old. Visual and well paced, though both could be improved by adding a few missing words. (Won't point them out, read it out loud and discover for yourself.)

I am curious how you would handle a story as opposed to an analogy/poem (Which is my take on this piece here). Keep writing, Pearl. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks, WWB. Just fiddling around with a practice prompt and thought it would be fun to post it. :)

Five stars, Baz. One of the best I've read on this site since joining.

Thanks Blackwolf.

I finished your story. Cover to cover once I got the completed copy. I haven't written my review yet, and I will sometime soon.

I'm glad you did what you did. I wish you did have the backing of a publishing house and agent to make things go smoothly and to give that extra umph. However, from what I understand, even if a person has the contract, they still have to do almost all their own promoting. Authors supported by publishing houses still need to contact individual book sellers - a lot of the time the publisher doesn't do this. And most of the time authors need to find their own editors as well, and pay them from their own pocket. And illustrators, if they are used, get their royalties from the writer's royalties - if I published my book as fully illustrated, about 10 of my 35 cents would go to my illustrator. Sad but true.

What you did in self publishing was brave and difficult and an example to us all. There are so many people out there who "think" they can write who clutter the publishing world so that those of us - YOU - who can write amazing stories get overlooked. The publishers and agents made a mistake, but you most certainly did not when you chose to take matters into your own hands. I applaud you, my friend, for your courage, hard work, dedication, and insight.

Congrats on the book, WWB! Check it out, SM'ers. You won't be able to stop at chapter four. =D

Wow, Hebe. It is so wonderful to see you back on the site. Your talent has been sorely missed. Excellent opening to a story. I look forward to seeing where this one goes.

A little nitpick - the sentence in the beginning describing the mother looking in her rear view mirror was a little rough; it took me a couple of times reading it to figure out what you were trying to say. Other than that, well done!

Thongs... my hubby calls em butt floss. Not sure why anyone would want to know how they work. =D

http://storymash.com/u/Regz/duhelare/

Thanks, WWB. :) I can guarantee that this next draft will be even better than the first. And you know I'll be contacting you often for help, advice, and consoling.

As far as me posting the new draft here on SM - I've decided not to. Thanks to everyone for their input.

Nicely written - very visual with excellent pacing. Well done!

Light, take a look at the original Renaissance chapters (no, you don't have to read them all unless you want to) and let me know whether you think this is something you would want to see redone, revised, etc.

If I were considering publishing it mainstream - searching out a publisher and signing a contract, I wouldn't even consider putting it up and I'd take what I have down. But you have inspired me to try my hand at self-publishing it as an e-book, and since I would be self-publishing I wouldn't have to worry about publishers wanting first e-printing rights, etc. (Which, from what I've researched, might be the only issue publishers might have with posting bits or pieces here on SM. We still retain all our rights here, but by "publishing" our work here and getting paid for it, it could be considered first e-printing rights and most publishers want those as much as they want first printing rights.)

In 2009, from September 26th through December 10th, I wrote fifty-six chapters in a story titled "Renaissance" and posted them here on SM. Shortly after publishing the fifty-sixth chapter, I decided to not finish the story here on SM, cutting it off at the near halfway point.

After much deliberation and plenty of pleading from fellow writers and several readers, I've decided to turn the story into a full length book. Very soon now, my pre-writing notes will be completed and I will once again delve into the experiences of Renni, Thomas, and Max as they battle the Mongerers and aid the Harbingers in saving humanity.

Now, my question to you, fellow SMer's - What say you to the idea of posting parts of this updated version here on SM for feedback?

You're back! Yippee! Thanks, Dkk. I'm so glad to see you back on the site. Can't wait to read your work again.

There's that quantum theory again. ;) I really like how you tied it into this chapter at the end and how Gisela seemed completely at ease with your character's "visions." Good pacing. Though I do feel bad for your characters as they try to get intimate - a not so fair place to be interrupted by strange visions - I like the humor/physical frustration in the timing.

You set the stage and the challenge very well. This should be interesting.

Thanks, Twisted!

Definitely. And it won't hurt my feelings none if you feel motivated to move on to something new. :)

I have recently been encouraged and have agreed to finish what I started with this piece back in November and to attempt to publish it as a novella. Therefore, I probably will not be putting up a parallel set of chapters - at least not until I am near finishing. With that said, I would still love to see what you do with this story line and encourage you to continue if you still desire.

As for where I was/am going - this novella actually originated as an attempt at a kind of rewrite to an earlier chapter I had put up on SM titled "Fallen Angels," though now both chapters seem completely different and unrelated from one another. Still, perhaps you might find some inspiration there. :)

Baz - you have an amazing gift for getting your readers into your characters. Not just interested. Into - as in transformation. I felt your character, I saw what he had seen, I saw what and why he did what he did. And I want to feel, see, and know more. Awesome chapter - the tone, the pacing, all spot on. I truly hope you continue.

Thanks, Baz!

I still see typos in my original. Every time I reread what I wrote I see things I want to change, things that make me cringe, and things I feel I could have worded better. Part of being a writer - we never can achieve true perfection, at least in our own eyes. You did very well matching the tone and voice of the original, which is fairly difficult to do for any mash. You also did something I have not see a lot of other mashers do - you go the subtleties of the story, things implied or suggested but not written out, and continued them, building upon them.

I think I'll leave the continuation options up to you. If you are curious what I've written, I can either send it to you or publish as a parallel set of chapters. However, if you have your own ideas, I say go for it and have fun. This is as much your story as it is mine now.

Thanks, Jazz!

Not too shabby. I agree with WWB about the shortness. When it comes to writing duels and the duels are only four to six chapters long, I have the tendency to lean towards longer chapters to pack more story in so there is a defined beginning, middle, and end. However, I do like how you delved into Goo's personality, history, and origins a little bit as well as his being drawn to Sarah. Don't be afraid to take a mash in the direction you want it to go and don't worry about "leaving it open" for your fellow mashers. Their skills will allow them to carry the story forward with the plot choices you make.

There still doesn't seem to be much of a major conflict in this story yet, so I am curious what WBS will do with it. I greatly look forward to seeing where this duel goes. Well done.

I love this continuation. The minor changes you made before publishing strengthened the story tremendously.

I have quite a bit of this story written but haven't decided to publish more yet. I am so very honored and glad you decided to mash this. What is interesting is the parallels between our two chapter twos. My second scene/chapter two was also in a bathroom and my Sable continued to be a comfort and protector to Josephine. I love the last line in yours, the intelligence in Sable, and the fact you made her a guardian and a friend.

Well done! Any thoughts on continuing?

Thanks, WWB. This has been a story stuck in my head for quite a while and I wrote a good deal of it back in November - about 20,000 words - to try and break through some writers block that was preventing me from working on my book.

Thank you.

Thank you Wolfram. I am indeed flattered and honored to have you continue this.

Just published a new story - "Those Who Watch; Those Who are Watched"

As always, comments and thoughts are most welcome.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/purofigo/

I can't wait to see what they come up with and whether they'll be able to keep it young.

WBS - The gauntlet is thrown, the challenge made, the weapons chosen.

Good luck and good writing to both duelists.

I think votes would work, but also perhaps voters could put their two cents in the comments or here on the forum if they are willing - feedback is always welcome. I do like the idea of both duelists voting 5's. Seconds, on the other hand, are open to vote what they deem worthy - yes?

Also, if a story is needed for mashing in the duel between WBS and MrL - I offer one of my own in order to get the ball rolling.

WBS - I will second you in your duel with MrL.
WWB - I will second you in your duel with WBS.

(And no, this isn't a conflict of interest)

Rules of the seconds - Seconds offer moral and editing support of their writers as needed. Seconds also keep an eye on both duelists, ensuring all rules are adhered to.

If extenuating circumstances occur and an opponent cannot meet his/her deadline (family emergency, illness, etc.) the duelist can either request their second take their place and write the chapter, at a loss of points/credit, or they can forfeit the duel.

What say ye, duelists?

Ah - well since time is precious to me, if I am going to invest it and some effort in a mash, it better be a damn good story to start off with and worthy of that time and effort. But that is just me. :)

Other than a few typos and word usage mixups, this was great. I love the twisted way you took this - the unexpected showing a strong independent imagination without taking away from the original. It did build upon the original, though in a slightly different tone - which works since the majority of the chapter is through the POV of Case. I absolutely love the unexpected mash and this is just it. Bravo! I think this duel is off to a great start.

Good luck, WWB. Looks like you have a real challenge on your hands here. :)

As an outside mediator and possible duel "second" if my services are requested, I recommend picking a story worthy of mashing. Why encourage and reward mediocrity?

And for those of you who don't know what a second is in a duel, I suggest research.

And now, you've lost me. The reader me, not the writer me. I'm vested in this as a writer because I feel you have potential. But had I been a reader just reading, I would have stopped here and not continued.

I'm surprised WWB didn't touch on verisimilitude. (That's his thing and it helps keep us all honest.) A man who loves his wife doesn't switch on the television and sit there thinking. He paces. He moves. His body is unable to keep still. Granted, I'm no expert on every human reaction and yes there could be a person out there who would react this way. But in human experience - which you must keep in mind at all times with regards to your readers - this was over the top. Had he switched on the tv and then paced through the background noise, that would have worked. He could have listed things by ticking them off on his fingers instead of you writing the numbers in a listed format. I agree with WWB on this point - It was awkward to read and rather droll. In other words, the almost inhuman way he reacts and the formatting/list lost you your readers' interest. They are no longer vested in the story, regardless of the raised stakes.

I will continue, as I hope the story only goes uphill from here. As a writer, I see the premise still shows promise and still holds true to the initial intrigue. I recommend taking your time, reading as a reader, not just as a writer, and trying a bit more show rather than dictated tell.

Short, yes. And I understand why you kept it short. However, your dialogue - the formatting for it and the execution of several portions - felt off. I understand your reasoning for formatting it the way you did - pacing. However, I think it backfired with too much white space and too much tell as opposed to show. There were some great moments to show your character's emotions and reactions rather than have him tell the reader what he felt, did, or wanted to do.

However, I am still intrigued. The mystery deepens with this caller and his motives. I look forward to reading more.

Okay, while the concept continues in the general direction of good and intriguing, there were some oopsies that detracted from the story. (Unlike WWB, I'm an all around person, that is, I don't focus solely on story or grammar or any other aspect. I try and see a story/chapter as a whole and critique it as a whole.)

First off, you switched tense between chapters. Chapter two was past tense, chapter three was present with some awkward switches in the first two paragraphs. Whether your scenes are in the character's past or present, tense needs to have some solidarity. I don't know if you switched to give the story a feel of urgency at this point, but by switching, you lost a bit of that urgency rather than gained it. (I've learned in my studies that past tense, when done correctly, has a more urgent, in-the-now feel than present tense. It seems contradictory, but read any novel in past tense and switch it in your mind to present tense and see if it feels the same.)

I felt this one was a bit rushed in the making. There were a few other mistakes throughout and considering your apparent skill in the previous chapters, these mistakes should not have been present in this one. My recommendation would be to slow down a bit and do a "read-a-loud" to audibly catch anything that doesn't fit.

As I said above, the idea is still interesting, the intrigue still holding onto your readers. Well done.

This was actually meant to be a childrens story - a young adult at the most. It was a practice in wording things in a way a young teen or preteen would better relate. Thanks for the comment.

*Blushes*

Thanks, WWB. In all honesty, I'm not sure which ones to recommend. Help me out here. :)

I might (might) be adding a few new stories on the site in the near future if you would rather wait for something more recently written. (My last chapter was posted in November of last year.) Otherwise, I trust WWB's suggestions as he is an amazing writer, critic, and friend.

Good continuation tying world events into the character's life. I definitely feel sorry for this character - his feeling he had all the time in the world and suddenly realizing he doesn't. Looking forward to more. Well done. :)

Excellent premise. This definitely leaves many avenues and theories open, especially when tied in with the previous chapter's warning - the subtle hint that there were things out there worse than pedophiles who kill children. At least, that's what I gleaned.

I look forward to seeing where this goes. Well done catching your readers' interest early on.

Creepy and gross. In other words, very well written, WWB. I am curious whether anyone will take up the torch and continue this one. It would be very interesting to see this mashed. :)

How did I miss this post!?

Congratulations, WWB!

Some, I suspect, are trapped in that terrible dungeon, that near inescapable hell that is ordinary life.

Others are dandelion seeds in the winds of existence, their fate not their own, able to waft in for a momentary visit before time and obligations whisk them away to other lands and duties.

What are the rules? Not sure I'm up to it, but I'm certain other writers are curious.

Guys, I hope you do get a chance to finish flight one and two and I look forward to reading the conclusions you come up with.

Skylark, I recommend deep breaths. Here's some advice from a semi-seasoned writer on this site.

One - it takes time to integrate yourself into the "club" as you refer to them. These people you have been collaborating with are the cream of the crop of SM. The best of the best. We were incredibly lucky to get the writers we got for both flights of this project and though I am sad to see so many have had to drop out, myself included, I am glad they were able to participate in the first place. Time, comments, experience, good writing, good feedback, collaboration, etc. all equal being added to this "group" but most importantly is time. It simply takes time to establish yourself on SM because with time comes exposure. The more you comment, the more you reach out in forum discussions, the more you participate with the other writers, and the more you submit to be read, the greater the exposure.

Now, here's the hard part. No matter how good of a writer you are on this site, it will not guarantee comments or feedback or even votes. There are a lot of writers on this site and most of them are focused solely on their own work - so much so that they don't take the time to read other works. There was a question asked in the forum a while back about how many writers there were on SM. Go back through the forums to find it and you'll be amazed at the answer. There is a lot of traffic on this site and yet, there are slow seasons and warm seasons, seasons where you will have a lot of readers and feedback, and seasons where you will have none. The key is rolling with the waves instead of being crushed under them. I, for one, have not been able to participate on the site and though I love to read and comment and offer feedback to the others, I don't have the time. A lot of the great writers on this site are in the same boat right now.

To conclude, while I do understand your frustration in seemingly being overlooked, the call out to those still interested in this flight of the project went out weeks ago with no response from many of the participants. What other conclusion can be made from this other than they are simply unable to rejoin the project?

With that said, Al, WBS, sorry to intrude on your flight. Good luck on completion.

Absolutely love this storyline. :) The twist at the end - brilliant. Looking forward to more.

Thanks, Aggie!

Unfortunately, I will not be continuing with the Masher's round and will be taking a big step back in general from SM. I'll still be around and will read and post on occasion, but for the time being other priorities have come up and I must focus on them for a while.

Thanks and great job to everyone who has already contributed. Good luck to those who will continue on in the future. I look forward to reading and commenting as the stories are completed, chapter by chapter.

Thank you Aggeloi for taking over leadership responsibilities. I know the project is in good hands with you. =D

Welcome to the site, WhiteTiger! No comment edit button, I'm afraid. But mistakes happen and we don't judge.

There are many different levels/ratings of stories, some rated NC-17, some G, and the rest in between. What I recommend is you put in the title or preview that the story contains adult content to warn younger or more squeamish readers.

Again, welcome to the site. I look forward to reading your work. :D

I have a family member who whenever they talk their tone always dips down at the end of each sentence whether they are joking, happy, sad, asking a question, etc. I always thought that was an interesting way to talk and sometimes find it difficult to read my family member's mood because they always sound negative, whether they mean to be or not. I think it would be an interesting challenge to write a character who speaks this way because tone and inflection in dialogue needs to be written out.

I also had an ethics teacher who was adamantly atheist but not overtly anti-religion. Made for some interesting class debates.

Hi Metz. Welcome to the site!

I'll try to find some time in the near future to be able to read and comment on your poems.

A word of advice. I recommend you don't post your novel if you plan on getting it mainstream published one day. It isn't that we wouldn't want to read it or that SM would do anything to harm you or your future as an author. Many publishing companies want first publishing rights, including online/electronic rights, and they often will see work submitted on sites like SM as published. Do some research into this before you make your decision, as the decision is ultimately yours. Again, welcome to the site! I look forward to reading your work.

Okay - I have no doubt we'll all be able to complete the project after the holidays. As of right now, the risk of the project being permanently canceled is stronger without the break due to outside obligations. I think it stands a greater chance of survival and thriving if everyone took some time to focus on their lives and then delve back in in January.

That said - WWB, I hope you do rejoin us.
Al - I have already sent the information to the SM team to have a projects page made. Waiting on them now.

Please don't write a chapter you haven't been assigned yet in order to keep the project alive. This goes to everyone including those who have jumped in to help. I'd like to keep some semblance of the original order to the rounds for ease of planning, etc. If anyone is still interested in helping, let me know via email jessicawillums@msn.com and I will give you the person you will be replacing and the order/chapters you'll be working on.

I'm not certain whether all the stories will be able to have the nine chapters. Some will have eight and I think one might have seven. I'll do my best to figure out if we can have nine all the way around, but I'm not going to sweat it and throw a monkey in the wrench to obtain it. The project has adapted and evolved accordingly, as has everyone still participating. Let us all plan on picking thing up where we left off on January 3, 2011.

Alright, Mashers... I have a proposition.

With the busy holiday season upon us, how would you all feel about putting this project on the back burner until January and finishing the last few rounds then? I know I'm going to be swamped in the next few weeks and I would hate to hold up the project because I just don't have time to get to my chapter. I would also hate for anyone to feel guilty because they can't find the time to do theirs either. So, what do you think? Should we take a break and return to this after the first of the year? Perhaps then some of those who were obligated to drop out could return.

Let me know what you all decide. Thanks!

I think it all depends on what you want to write, what genre, what your particular style is, where you are in a story, your characters, POV, tense, etc. There are times when I want exposition. In all honesty, it is the easiest way to get information across to the reader. And then there are times, most times, I tend to avoid it because it is also the easiest way to bore a reader. For the most part, I try to weave the details and description into the action, dialogue, and character voice. That's what the books mean by show vs tell. It isn't necessarily how much description there is vs how much action and how much narration. Rather, showing is tying in all the aspects of writing into one fluid text - to paint the scene without strictly narrating it or describing it or having so much action that the character voice and the scene are lost.

Everyone has their own style and their own way weaving a story together. Some block it, chunk it, and break it down. Some weave words, sentences, ideas, philosophies, descriptions, actions, dialogue, conflict, and characterization all at once. And some do both. It is about balance. If you feel yourself getting bored writing a block of exposition, then you know your readers are going to get bored reading it. So break it up with some action. Or description. Or dialogue. Or all three. The options are endless. One of the great things about being a writer is we have the ability to experiment and find out what works best for us in any given situation.

=)

Djinn, go ahead and start in on chapter 5 of "A Winter Fail." Let me know if you need anything - notes, more time, a hug, etc.

Of course no hard feelings, my friend. Life happens. Put aside your guilt, there's no reason for it. You have done an amazing job helping with this project and you should be proud of all that you've been able to accomplish. Do not feel bad about having to focus on the "real world" for a while. We all get to that stage. You take care of what you need to take care of. Who knows, when it comes time to tying up loose ends for "Jerry's Adventure," perhaps you might jump back in for that final chapter, finishing off the story you started. And if you ever have the need to stretch your writing legs, if you need a break from life and need to delve into the world of make-believe, if you are ever interested, you are more than welcome to jump in and perhaps fill in some of the missing chapters. And if not, don't sweat it.

I hope life settles down for you a bit, WWB, and you find the right balance. =D

Today is my StoryMash Birthday. I have been here exactly two years now, November 14, 2008 to November 14, 2010. It's been a while since my first introduction, so allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is JD. I am happily married and am the co-owner/parent to two dachshunds. I enjoy writing just about anything, though my top preferences would be in the higher imaginative fields of fantasy and science fiction. Yes, I am working on my novel and have been writing full time for three years, November 9th. I am both a martial artist and an eclectic artist. I have been known to coach young adults in TaeKwon-Do, various forms of creative art, and creative writing. I am an author, philosopher, and housewife by nature, the latter of which there is no degree or certification for. Otherwise, I can be found not earning a paycheck, unless you count SM. I plan on writing until physically or mentally unable or until the moment I finish the work I was put on this world to do and am allowed to go home.

Happy Birthday to Me! =D

Thanks, Djinn! This was such a fun story to work on. Everyone has done an amazing job following your amazing first chapter. =D

Thanks! I'm glad this inspired you to read the story from the beginning.

Oooh that sounds yummy! Okay, here you go:

A BIG MUG OF HOT CHOCOLATE WITH A SHOT OF MINT

If you need anything else, let me know.

For now, let's set the tentative deadline for this current round for November 24th. Since the deadline is around the Thanksgiving holiday, a little flexibility might be in order.

As always, Mashers, let me know if this works, doesn't work, or if you need anything. =D

How much time do you think you'll need? Need help with notes? I have some from when I helped WWB, but they aren't complete.

Fellow Mashers, go ahead and get started on your chapters for now. (With the exception of Djinn, for the time being.) Since there isn't anyone designated for following Alharris' chapter this round, the delay on "A Modern Horror" won't throw a monkey into the wrench. It might just mean having one less chapter - 9 instead of 10, which is the way some of these stories are going anyway with all the author changes.

Looks about right to me. Djinn, hold off until we hear from WWB regarding A Winter Fail. WWB, Al, let us know if you need some more time.

Thanks, Aggie. I fixed the question mark at the end.

Hurray that it works. Thanks so much for your input!

Okay, posted "Jerry's Adventure chapter seven - Fantasy or Reality"
http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/gosapiku/

And published "Crash"
http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/ruronulo/

I'll keep Jerry's Adventure up for the rest of the day and will publish this evening sometime, just in case anyone wants to leave feedback for changes, etc. Thanks!

I absolutely loved the monkey thrown into the wrench on this one. You set it up sweetly and I had a blast following. Though I do have some ideas of where I would like the story to go, I will leave it here, as this really is the best place to stop. Thanks for the praise and the advice!

I have to admit this is the hardest story to follow to date. It is short - a bit of a quickie, I guess. However, as we are coming to the climax of the story, I thought it would be prudent to keep it short and sweet. =D It's not the size that matters, right? It's what you do with it.

Thanks Aggie. I'm going to post Jerry's Adventure in a few minutes and will also be editing and publishing Death Benefit's latest chapter.

That's okay, WWB. The weekends are usually slow here anyway so I'll give you three days, just in case. The new deadline is Wednesday the 10th. If anyone needs a little longer, let me know.

And no, it is not a "lame excuse." Very legitimate and understandable.

Thank you, Dog, for your wonderful comments!

Well, fellow Mashers, I did it. I signed up for NaNoWriMo this year.

I know Nash mentioned in another forum thread his participating this year. Anyone else take the plunge?

I've put up my draft of the next chapter of "Death Benefit" titled "Crash"

I cut it short not knowing whether where I left it was the ideal stopping place or not. I do have more, or rather, ideas for more. So if I cut it too short, let me know and I'll go back and make changes. Thanks!

I have more, but didn't know whether this was a good stopping place or not. Thoughts and suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

Dog, I'm tempted to have you hold off for now on Robin's Rabbit. Since you are taking over for Nash, you'll be writing that story next round anyway. However, if you feel like you want to add two chapters to it in a row, or if the group decides to keep it at only 8 chapters instead of nine, then go ahead and go for it.

As for Death Benefit and Jerry's Adventure, I should have my drafts up in the next couple of days. (Finally home for good now and able to focus on writing.)

Al, that works for me. Dog, if you're willing to fill in for two people (Two stories each round), by all means. Let me know. Not sure if I have this right - Dog is replacing Nash and WBS is replacing Shadinah? Which means we still need replacements for Ace and for DKK. (Anyone who will be replacing Dkk will have to wait until I get my chapter of Death Benefit up - which should be in the next couple of days.)

(Aggie, Al, anyone, correct me if I'm wrong on this.)

Absolutely loved the ending. Great twist!

Love the twist and the new direction! My one concern is the change in tense. The others were written in first person present, not first person past. Nothing too major, but it did catch me off guard.

Sorry I didn't catch this earlier when it was still a draft.

Sorry, guys. This is the first time I've been able to get online for a few days. First off, sorry to see you go, Shadinah and Ace. Thank you both so much for all your hard, amazing work on this project. I hope things get easier/better for you guys.

As for me, things have escalated in my neck of the woods and I've had quite a bit to deal with, especially the last few days. That said, yes, I'm still in and I'll still act as project leader as long as you guys are willing.

Aggie, thanks for posting the last few lists for us. It is a major help during these trying times. Thank you everyone who posted your chapters. I haven't had much of a chance to read them but what I have seen is impressive and inspiring.

As I am the only one who hasn't written/published my chapter this last round - I'll pull double duty and work on both Death Benefit and Jerry's Adventure and have both finished by Nov. 7th. This shouldn't be much of a problem as I'll be going home in a couple of days, hopefully for good. (Long story very short, mom had surgery and needed me to help with taking care of the family while she recovered.) That leaves Robin's Rabbit and Crockpot, for WBS and Dog, if they agree. Once I'm all caught up, we could use another volunteer to help with future rounds and to finish these stories off.

Thank you everyone for your help and patience. Things are starting to look up and I can't wait to see how all these stories turn out!

Saturday works for me. My apologies to everyone for being late.

I hope things get better for you, Ace. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

We might have to allow for an extension on this round - which is okay. We'll see how tomorrow goes and how many are able to post by the end of the day and go from there.

Let me know what you need, fellow Mashers.

Sounds like a great idea, WBS! Thanks for the offer. Let me know what you need.

Thank you, Aggeloi, for doing this. It is an incredible help. :D

Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments! I'm so glad I managed to find the right voice. I admit that this one was the most difficult storyline to follow thus far. :) Can't wait to see where it goes though.

Chaos, unfortunately, is just the tip of the iceberg on my end. Parental surgery, family issues, and the passing of a family pet have kept me pretty busy the last week or so. And it won't end any time soon.

I will still try to do my part and get my chapter in on time. :)

Haven't had the time to check, but I believe everyone has published. If not, let me know what you need.

In the mean time, let's go ahead and get going with the next round. Deadline: Wednesday October 20th.

Life has been...challenging... as of late, and so I haven't had as much time or energy to devote to this project as I would have liked. However, I do intend on pushing through the difficulties. Within the next week, I hope to have caught up on my comments and my votes. Thanks for your patience, my fellow mashers. It is very much appreciated. :)

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/giliwavo/

"Dinner's Ready?" is...ready. Please enjoy. :)

Thanks, DJ! Great suggestion about the ladle. :)

Ugh. I meant comment and edit our drafts and then publish by the 3rd. :)

Change your vote back to a five, Jazzfan. And welcome to StoryMash!

The latest edition of Crockpot is up.

I apologize - "Dinner's Ready?" is still fairly rough.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/giliwavo/

I suggest we all take a few days to comment on the drafts posted and then we all publish no later than Sunday, October 3rd.

I will get to reading and commenting within the next day or so.

Thanks, Shadinah, for catching these!

I'm surprised the spell check didn't catch "havn't" also. But then, I could have just missed the little red line at the bottom.

I'm not quite sure how to break up the run on without "breaking it up". I didn't want too much punctuation so that it would seem like a continuous stream of thoughts that spiraled out of control. Hm...

I agree with the "away" part.

He intentionally ignored the text because he doesn't want to deal with her right now, he wants to focus solely on saving his son. He doesn't need/want to intentionally add her fuel to his fire.

I also agree with the van bumping part. :)

You are right. When something doesn't sound right, it is most likely something that needs to be fixed, whether it's grammatically incorrect or it simply doesn't flow.

Thanks again! If we ever go back and do edits and such, I'll definitely keep all this in mind. :D

http://storymash.com/f/announcements/541/#c_30290

Page three of the Announcements/Feedback/Questions archive - "The line through the middle of the page"

I'm not quite sure what it is exactly, but several people have commented in the forum about it in the past. I think if you do some digging you might find the solution. Wish I could be more help. :)

Thank you, Nash. Let me know which stories you cannot read and I'll email them to you.

You're critiques are most welcome and we all appreciate that you "call 'em like you see 'em."

Thank you, Al and Aggeloi, for your wonderful comments.

Two week deadlines between each chapter x nine chapters = a very long, drawn out project. We all knew this going in.

Granted, we've had some extensions - vacations, health issues, etc. Life happens. However, despite hiccups in the past, I do not see how this project is "dying." Nash, wasn't it you who originally suggested two weeks between each chapter? If that is too long, or if that length of time makes you feel like the project is losing momentum, then maybe we should change it to one week.

Would you end a novel early just to make sure it gets done? Would you take out the middle of an essay because you're afraid you're losing momentum? I see it as just another way of giving up. Cutting us short seems like the easy way out.

We are writers. There is nothing easy about that.

There is no reason why this project should be labeled as dying. It is a long, drawn out project. That is all. Momentum is difficult to keep with two weeks between each chapter. But we are still going! With the exception of DKK, the project is still very much alive and it can recover from the loss of one of its writers.

My decision is this - we keep it going. We keep faith in each other and forget about that "lost momentum." We push through our difficulties and learn to be stronger writers. We finish this project. We act like professional writers and don't give up. Or we stop here and now. Why kill something prematurely down the line and not just have done with it right away? Why wait five or six more chapters? What is the point of that? Is it too difficult to go all the way - to finish what we started?

Nash - You want a momentum boost? Comment. Vote. Participate other than just writing your pieces. Push, nudge, encourage. (Without discouraging.) You once wrote that you refuse to give your opinion on a piece without solicitation - This is that solicitation - for everyone participating. One of the foundation rules of this project was for each and every person to comment on each and every chapter. Period. We haven't been diligent with that. Why bother writing something no one is going to read? Nash, you have some of the best talent I've seen on this website. You have written the highest ranking story/chapter in the history of Storymash! Of course we want your input. It is desired, and according to the original rules of the project, required.

We, all of us, need to support one another. Communicate with one another. If this project is to be completed, if we are to succeed as writers, if we are to finish what we started, we need each other and we need to be positive. I vote we go all the way. We have the potential. We are ALL great writers. Let's start acting like it.

Thanks, Shadinah!

What technical gripes did you have? I only ask so as to avoid them in future chapters.

Thanks again! :D

Thanks :)

I'm not one to usually write poetry, but something came to mind and I thought I'd share it with my fellow Mashers.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/tapemepe

Nice continuation, DJ. I, too, love how you brought Nora back into it, adding to the danger of her situation and bringing to focus the main goal of the story, to free her before it is too late.

Well done. :D

You did a great job tying in the true character of Jerry - a bit comedic - with the drama of the situation. This was a good meshing, Ace, and a good continuation. The ending definitely leaves much to interpretation and imagination. I greatly look forward to seeing what happens next.

Okay, everyone, go ahead and get started on your next chapters. (I will post an update complete with links a little later when I have more time.) The deadline for Round 4 is Wednesday, September 29th.

Shadinah, go ahead and take on chapter 4 of "Soccer Dad."

Dkk hasn't responded. I'm trying to figure out if we can skip her chapter 4 for now and keep the round going. (That would mean you taking chapter 4, Shadinah.)

Thoughts fellow Mashers? Dkk, give us a shout out if you can and let us know you are alright.

As for Cleokatrah - I don't think she ever published her chapter. If she did, the choice is up to the next writer, whether that be Shadinah or Dkk. If she didn't, then there is no real choice but to create a different chapter 4 instead of using hers.

Thanks, WWB! It's amazing how random little bits of our lives suddenly become great material for our work.

I did have something in mind as far as "the truth" was concerned. But I thought it would be better to leave that to the next writer. :D

Ace, life happens. The best we can do is... well... the best we can do within our own boundaries. No one should ever ask for more than that.

A bruised bone is an incredibly painful thing; I hope your shoulder gets better soon.

If it would make things easier, you are more than welcome to partner with someone on the team and have them finish what you've started.

Ace, I look forward to reading your chapter tomorrow.

Dkk...? I hope you are recovering well and that everything is okay. Do you need someone to step in and help you out with this round?

Anyone out there willing to help Dkk write chapter four of "Soccer Dad" ?

This is good, Shadinah. I love the deeper insight into the mind of our baddie - investing reader emotion in him adds greatly to the overall story. Well done.

As this is unfinished, I'm not certain whether you are planning on putting other sections in. I, for one, would love to see what is happening with Trina at this point as she is one of the major characters in the story. (There are other characters I'd like to see as well, but naming them might influence your chapter and I don't want to do that.) :D

Overall, well done. Looking forward to seeing this finished.

Looking good so far, WWB. Love the description of Rose and the bond forming between her and Robin. Also liked the rabbit sensing danger. However, I would break up the text where you switch to the watcher's pov in order to give us readers a visual cue to the change. The plums part was brilliant as was the addition of new conflict/baddies. Can't wait to see this chapter finished!

"A Winter Fail (4)" has been published. Thanks to everyone who gave their two cents and helped me make it a better chapter. :D

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/nodosovi/

One week down, Mashers, one to go before this round's deadline. The sooner we submit and publish, the sooner we'll get to round 4. :)

To those of you who have already submitted and published - Thank you! Your chapters are amazing. Those who haven't had a chance to read and comment, I highly recommend doing so - everyone has done an incredible job thus far not only in this round but in previous rounds also. It is amazing to see how each story has maintained its original voice throughout. Well done Mashers!

To those of you who are still working on your chapters, let me know if you don't think you'll make the deadline and we'll work something out - perhaps have another masher jump in and offer their assistance if necessary.

Let's keep Flight One of this summer's Masher's Round going strong!

Congratulations on your six, Al!

Gonna be harder than me, eh? :D

This is an amazing team for flight two. I cannot wait to see what you guys come up with!

Thanks, Aggeloi!

I went through all the "ly" words and didn't find anything. It did help me eliminate several unnecessary words though, so thanks. :) If you catch it again, let me know.

:D

"I was able to fit the lumps within around the protruding bottles"

I think you meant one or the other but not both "within" and "around." :)

Absolutely loved the last line. Great job keeping the tone of the overall story. :D

I agree, Al. This project is a real challenge, trying to keep the voice and feel of each story. Very fun. :D

Thanks DJ. I was so afraid I changed the voice of the main character too much while trying to focus more on Vic. I'm glad there are some good gems in there. :)

Okay. I tweaked and published the above draft and added another chapter. Leaving this as a draft like the last. Hope you enjoy. :D

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/gifukosu/

Congratulations! By all means, start a thread and post a link. :D

"A Winter Fail (4)" is up in draft form.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/nodosovi/

I like how you brought the detective back into the story.

Fourth paragraph from end: "Pick up a bag to much..." I think you mean munch.

Good so far. Are you taking it further or leaving it where it is?

Thanks, DJ!

Yeah, it's the same story. I had a hard time starting this one. I wanted to start with the tunnel but found the chapter kept getting too cluttered with back story - the argument at the beginning of it all and what followed. So, I decided to take a chance and do parallel stories about the same girl - past and present separated by one year.

As per your suggestion, I did a read through and fixed a couple of rough sentences, a wrong word usage, and some grammatical errors. However, I probably didn't catch everything - probably missed everything you caught and fixed everything that you didn't. :) Anyways, thanks for the suggestion to go back over it. Thanks to Al, I'm getting more into the habit of letting a story percolate in draft form before publishing it. If only I'd done that with Renni's story.

Thanks for the praise! I'll probably publish this tomorrow and will post the next chapter as a draft then. This is just a story stuck in my head and though I have some idea of where I want it to go, this is the first time I'm doing a series of chapters without a definite structure. A bit scary really. :)

Great continuation, Al. I think the one thing that caught my eye was "Gimme my daughter back." I'm not sure gimme works there. Then again, when people are angry and shouting, they're either slurred - like gimme - or staccato.

I love how you dove into a sinister(?) past with the parents and yet left just about everything a mystery. I also like the last line. Well done.

I've added another chapter to my "Summoned" story. This time, I've left it up as a draft for feedback and will publish it sometime tomorrow or the next day. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/dalakive/

Thanks, DJ! One of my favorite lines too, one I had to rewrite several times to get right.

I'm very glad that the scene came across as realistic. I really wanted to ground the beginning in order to lead into and to contrast with further chapters.

Thanks again!

Thanks! I'm glad you liked the ending and that the story went well with morning coffee. (I wonder if that has anything to do with me drinking my morning coffee while writing it?) :D

Oof.... Poor Al!

Thanks, WWB! I'm glad the argument came across as realistic and that the ending worked so well. I hope the rest of the story comes out this well.

Thanks again!

I'm sooo sorry, Cheese, for taking so long to get back to you.

I know that Alharris is organizing another group doing pretty much what we're doing. I'm not sure how many people have contacted him on it yet. If there are still too few to join his, I'm sure we can figure out a way to "mash" you in. :)

Thoughts and ideas, fellow Mashers?

I've had a story in my head for a while now and am finally working on it. The first chapter is up. Hope you enjoy.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/helagika/

Well done, as always, Nash. I loved how you continued the subtle personification of the crockpot.

Ugh - further writers, not further readers. :)

This is very well written, Ace. While keeping with the originals, you also took this in a completely different direction than expected. The father's "releasing" could be taken several ways - one of which is the son can bring life, the father can bring pain. Possible "gifts" passed down the family line?

Good continuation. You left many doors and options open to further readers while adding greatly to the story. Well done!

The suspicion between husband and wife - especially from the husband - really adds to the story and to their relationship.

I also liked her re-interrogating(?) her eldest son and the challenges with that. You did well in expressing those challenges while keeping the character's tone and voice. (Her need for information at odds with the patience needed to handle her son.)

The message on the towel is the icing on the cake. It really, really opens things up and creates endless possibilities for continuations. Well done, DJ! Great chapter. I can't wait to see what happens next. :D

I really enjoyed this continuation, Shadinah!

Loved how you dove deeper into Robin's past, highlighting a possible, terrible, tragedy. I'm also intrigued by her social status - not mingling with peasants and all.

I absolutely LOVED the rabbit and Robin's adopting it. You did an incredible job fleshing out his personality. The mystery regarding the berry bush also added depth and magic to him. Very fun. :D

Now that our characters are back on their way to Ribbon Falls, I can't wait to see what happens next. Well done!

Loved: "...mid snot sniffling motion."

Though I like the idea of the cold consuming Trina, the paragraph showing it was so rough, the meaning got lost in the muddle. You have a great sense of description, which really shows when you take the time to go back and eliminate errors. I know you're recovering, so no worries for now. But we are all here to help one another grow and learn. I'd like to see your work shine, my dear. And to shine, it needs a bit of polishing.

On a lighter note - I loved the memories of Billy. You did really well getting us to care for the poor victim. So far, he was a random kid and the readers, hopefully, had a sense of relief regarding the more prominent children in the story. In this chapter, you made him into a more prominent child. (With the short scene of him trying to be James Bond, and then with Trina's memories of him.) Now, the readers will want to care about him as they care about Bridget and Maggie.

I do agree with some of the others that some of the characters have lost their voices a bit. Granted, a lot has happened to everyone in the course of a day. However, I think the greatest contrast was Mark and that the contrast was too great. His tirade at the end of the scene with the gathered parents didn't fit him. It seemed... childish, immature. Yes, he is struggling with his own fears and his own grief. But he is also the mature, clear headed cop and father - a possible hero to the kids and to Trina. He needs to keep his head. That said, now that the chapter is published, it does open up a challenge to the next writer regarding his character - giving it depth and tying in the tirade. Or they could simply skip over it entirely. :) Their choice.

In regards to your baddie. I'm still not sure about him. He has a different voice completely from the original "nosy neighbor" in the previous chapter. Which, again, opens up possibilities to the next writer. Is it the same man with very complex mental issues? Or are there two baddies living on the cul-de-sac? Hmm... the thought plickens. I mean, the plot thickens. :)

While you did leave some questions and some challenges for continuation - which is a good thing - you also did well in moving the story along and investing reader emotion in Billy and strengthening reader sympathy for Trina. Can't wait to see where this one goes next. Well done, Dkk. Hope you are feeling better!

Well Mashers, we've hit a slow patch but hopefully things will pick up again with round 3.

Here are the continuations. Thanks to everyone for your wonderful chapters! Don't forget to do some reading and commenting.

A Modern Horror 3 – http://storymash.com/u/dkk4510/demopuko/
Robin’s Rabbit 3 – http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/warimuki/
Jewel Guardians 3 – http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/fomugisi/
Dirty Laundry – http://storymash.com/u/djinndarme/mebesuro/
Jerry’s Adventure 3 – http://storymash.com/u/alharris/huvudowa/
Death Benefit 3 – http://storymash.com/u/Ace/tipenomi/
Crockpot 3 – http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/helifuru/
A Winter Fail 3 – http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/hifasoti/
Soccer Dad 3 – http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/tafateri/

And here is the line up for round 3:

A Modern Horror – Shadinah
Robin’s Rabbit – WWB
Jewel Guardians – Djinn
Dirty Laundry –Alharris
Jerry’s Adventure – Ace
Death Benefit – Nash
Crockpot – Aggeloi
A Winter Fail – JD
Soccer Dad – Dkk

For those of you who don't know, we've had another writer contribute to the Masher's Round. Cleokatrah has graced us with her own chapter 4 of Nash's "Soccer Dad." Dkk - I leave it up to you whether you continue where Cleo left off or from the previous chapter.

A big shout out to Cleo for her contribution!

As per the above discussion regarding switching it up, anyone is more than welcome to trade their chapters. Just let me know so I can keep track of everything.

Round 3's deadline is Friday September 6th. Let me know if you need more time of are having difficulties.

Happy Mashing!

Wow...! Thank you so much, WWB. :D

No worries about going back to fix it. What's done is done and it really doesn't need that much tweaking to begin with. I didn't catch "Crimson King." (But then, I've read very little of Mr. King's)

What's funny is, as I was thinking of possible continuations for this, the idea of Tolkien's world being an alternate universe did come up. :D

I think a back story fits - as this story already has had some time-line jumping. By keeping this strictly about Ras, the chapter also builds anticipation regarding what's happening to/with our two heroes.

The transition into the back story was a bit rough. At first, I thought it was present time and was wondering why Ras was such a wuss. But then, as I continued, I realized he hadn't "grown up" into such a baddie yet.

Overall, it was good. I'm not sure whether I like the references to Tolkien's works or not. Were there other references in the previous chapters that I just missed? I kind of liked the idea of this being its own world/story. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I'm just not sure is all.

Once I figured out this was in Ras' past, I loved how he was almost cowardly and how this focused more on his character. The transition between his younger self - fearful, uncertain - and his older self is stark, showing how much he grew in ten years.

Good continuation, WWB. Well done.

I'm surprised you haven't gotten many comments yet. Don't take it to heart as summers are a bit slow here on SM. (Weekends too.)

First off, I did enjoy this. You have a wonderful way with words that, for the most part, seem to flow very well. However, there are points where the description seems forced. Show vs tell is a difficult tool to master and while you are well on your way to doing just that... well, let me explain.

I think you're trying too hard. I had to reread several paragraphs to understand what was happening to who. What I'm learning is sometimes the simplest show is the best. When we over-elaborate on something, it becomes cluttered and confusing. My suggestion is one no writer wants to hear. It is cut. There are several parts that, if trimmed, would add to the story instead of detract.

While I loved the personification of the night looking in and then refusing to look in, it became... too much and unfortunately, too much becomes confusing. Trim carefully, as it works. But do trim. Unless the night is a major character throughout the story. In which case, disregard.

Also, the first paragraph was a bit rough. What I mean by rough is it didn't flow. I've read it twice now and still I stop and reread. Not because it is confusing - as the night personification was at certain points. No, I had to stop because it was too structured. Nearly every sentence in the first paragraph had the same structure - he/she/they/ blank did blank. Break it up, restructure it, add some definite action, combine it with what is happening in the room instead of keeping it separate. (All suggestions of course.)

On a good note - I loved the dialogue and interaction between the two characters. I also like how one seemed to question whether he could save the wife. Good foreshadowing, good initial set up. The self depreciating aspect of the killer was well played. Overall, regardless of the above notes, well done.

I enjoyed this and look forward to seeing what you do with it.

I noticed several things, most of which have already been commented on by my fellow mashers - i.e. tense change. I think my biggest nit-pick is the usage of the term pig, even when trying to situate who is where. I understand this has been touched on already, but allow me to clarify. Pig is not a synonym for cop and should not be used as such. In the previous chapters, Coach's character shows absolutely no signs of ever using such a derogatory term when referencing the police. He is both happy and fearful that they are chasing him, happy because they might be able to help, fearful because they could interfere before he gets his son back. Granted, he is frantic. He is self depreciating. He is frustrated. But none of this, in my opinion, would lead up to using the term pig. I like the idea of one cop trying to be a hero and stop him. But there are other ways for him to be flustered at the guy without calling him pig. It doesn't fit.

I know I seem to harp on this, but when mashing a story, keeping the character's "voice" is key. In all three chapters leading up to this one, he had a specific voice. The term "pig" doesn't fit that voice. As this is still a draft, there is plenty of opportunity to alter. (One of the wonderful aspects of SM.)

As for the rest, you did well in keeping him frantic. I also liked the cell phone's continual interference - an extension of his wife's interference. The ending, too, was good. The crash definitely changes things up, and makes for a challenging mash for further chapters.

Overall, well done.

Publish it. This is an open site, so you can continue whatever story you feel like. The next author to contribute in this round will just create a new chapter 4.

I look forward to seeing what you do with the story so far.

Thanks for the clarification. I see what you mean now about the ally and the enemy and though I'm glad I wrote it the way I did, your suggestion does have merit and I'll keep that in mind the next time I write a similar piece.

As for the helmet, I also understand that I could have written that better - expressed better the enemy's intentions and Nikah's thoughts regarding. If I ever do a rewrite of this, I'll be sure to work on trying to create those emotions and thoughts without losing the pacing. :) (Or, if I write a continuation, I could always highlight it as Nikah thinks back on the events of the battle.)

Thank you again for your praise. I'm glad it held you at the edge of your seat.

As for the enemy and the ally, as I was writing it from Nikah's point of view only, and as she didn't know much about the allies except the rumors, there isn't much more for her to call them except allies. Also, she is wounded and dying; everything is stark to her. To flourish and add "nicknames" would, I think, have broken that feel. I wanted her to have a disjointed feel regarding the two others in the scene - how she needed an ally and how she hated the evil enemy. Keeping them ambiguous also gives the next writer, whomever they may be, a great opportunity to expand upon the story and to add a little of their own imagination to it.

The removing of the helmet was because the enemy wanted the ally to see its face. Obviously, or so I hope, there is a vendetta between the two - whether personal or between their species. One way this is shown is the enemy removed his gloves to strangle the ally with his bare hands. I know I didn't put in there that the enemy removed his helmet because he wanted the ally to see him. But I did think it would be somewhat apparent. In a further paragraph, Nikah thinks about how the enemy wanted an audience - someone to watch what he was about to do. The enemy felt he had the ally completely within his power and therefore did not need the helmet to protect him anymore - feeling instead he wanted the ally to see him and see how he did not fear him.

As for the ending - I wanted the ending to push past the oblivion - for her to live, despite all odds and evidence against her. That was/is, in essence, the true point of the piece - the indomitable human spirit. It makes a great setup for future additions because, for all intents and purposes, she should be dead. My leaving it the way I did, with her alive, forces the readers and prospective writers to ask why, how, and who or what could be involved. This also creates a nice meshing of ambiguity and structure for future chapters.

Thanks again for your comments. They are most welcome. :D I'm glad you enjoy my work.

Thank you, Cleo. This is one of my favorites thus far and I am very glad you enjoyed it.

*Blushes*

Thank you for the wonderful comment. Unfortunately, I only come in one size and it isn't small enough for pockets. Unless they're really, really big pockets. Glad to know I'm a keeper.

Welcome to the site, Cleo! I'll take a look at your work sometime in the near future. :)

Thanks, Shadinah!

I agree, now that I've had a chance to reread it after some time, that the time transition was difficult. I could have put something in there to indicate time had passed right away. Live and learn and keep writing, right? :D

And thanks for catching those punctuation errors. Ugh. No matter how hard I edit and go over things, there always seem to be errors - and they almost always involve punctuation. :)

Thanks again!

Thank you everyone for your help and comments. I'm glad that the additions worked out so well in building tension and adding to the story. I can't wait to see where this one goes now. :D

Alharris is organizing group two. If you are interested, let him know. :)

This is a great idea, Ace. I would love to hear how others would have taken their stories or, if given the chance, some of the continuing chapters.

Still waiting on Dkk's also. No worries. Life happens.

Hm... I'm not exactly sure how I'm gloating...

I simply stated the questions above without offering my own personal stance on them - save one clue of course.

Gloating? Me? Or do you mean goating ... in which case, um no. I'm not goating. Not right now, anyway.

Wednesday, 9am, Central European Time. :)

Just published "Mad Dash"

Thanks to everyone for their help with this one.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/tafateri/

If it is alright with the others, I say Wednesday is fine. Dkk is still recovering, so this will give her time also.

What say you, Mashers? Should we cut WWB some slack?

:D

"Mad Dash" - my continuation of Nash's original "Soccer Dad" has been fixed and re-posted.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/tafateri/

Unfortunately, when trying to insert the new text into the old draft, the formatting kept messing up. In the end, I had to delete the original and start all over. My apologies to those of you who left such helpful comments on the original, as your comments were also, inadvertently, deleted.

I'm going to leave this version up as a draft for a day and will publish it tomorrow. Thanks for all your help and advice in making this chapter better. I hope you enjoy. :)

Sorry everyone who left comments on the other draft. The formatting kept messing up so I had to delete that draft and start all over. :(

Here is the updated, longer version.

Hi, SM'ers. This round of the Masher's Round has brought up an interesting topic - motivation vs procrastination.

What are you?

Are you the kind of person who can stay motivated? Who gets an assignment done on time every time? If so, what is your secret to success? What "tools" do you use? What is your advice to those of us who struggle to get things done in a timely manner?

Or

Are you one of those people who puts things off as long as possible? Do you find this is due to a lack of motivation, or is it something else? Does life just always seem to get in the way? Or do you prefer to let things "percolate" until the writing muse speaks to you?

Or

Are you stuck somewhere in the middle?

Let us know, fellow Mashers, where you stand, why you stand there, and the pros and cons of your position. :)

No worries, Dkk. Hope all is well and that you have a swift recovery.

Let's make this Friday the new deadline. Those of you who still need to post, shoot me an email if you need help or have concerns. (jessicawillums@msn.com)

I know things have been hectic for several of us, but lets not let this project fizzle out. I'll have my chapter added to and posted tonight or tomorrow at the latest. I look forward to seeing everyone's continuations soon.

And a big shout out and thank you to those diligent participants who have already written and posted their chapters. Your timeliness is much appreciated and hopefully soon to be emulated.

Thanks for the catch regarding head-butt. I always forget that hyphen. (And my hubby just calls them "the family" which is why I left out "jewels.")

Thanks everyone for the help - I'll try to find time to add a bit more to this today.

No worries, WWB. This is why I asked. I was afraid that if I brought the chase scene to a climax or just before it, it would come too soon. There are, I think, six or seven chapters to follow this one... Still, I'll give it some thought and see what I can do. Thanks for your help. :D

I wanted to keep this one short because of the faster pace and to build tension. However, I'm worried it might be too short. Thoughts?

The next chapter for "Soccer Dad" is up in draft form, titled "Mad Dash"

I'll go ahead and leave it up for a day or two before I publish. Let me know if I need to fix anything. :)

Yeah, guess everyone has been/is busy. I know I won't be able to post my continuation of Soccer Dad for another couple of days.

Ace, do you have an email address I can send a question to?

Looks good, Aggeloi. Only thing I caught was the sentence: "What would make a person fly all the way from Toronto to Florida..." I think what you meant was from Florida to Toronto.

Nothing else caught my eye.

Al, sorry for the slow response, who did you want to switch with and is it for this round? I don't think it will be a problem.

In regards to "the ball" and my picking it up:

I've emailed Katrina asking for some information on SM's options regarding publishing outside of the site, as this is a goal of the website as much as it is the individual writers. If no options are available at this time through SM, I'll be doing some research to see where we can take this.

Ace, I leave it up to the others. Majority vote wins.

I vote we leave it the same for now. I have no issues following Aggeloi through the nine rounds, as I will also, in essence, be following Nash, You, Alharris, Djinn, WWB, Shadinah, Dkk, and myself. With each additional chapter added, we aren't just mashing off the person who worked on it before us, we're mashing off of Everyone who worked on it before us. This is challenge enough for me, for now.

Not that your idea doesn't have merit. I really would like to see a Masher's Round done this way sometime in the future. I might even join, depending on what life throws my way. (Or I might have already joined, if the majority is for change.) :D

On a side note, and to get a discussion started:

What I love regarding this Masher's Round is the plethora of genres and styles being worked on. While some of us write mostly science fiction and fantasy, others are prone to life stories, drama, comedy, thriller, etc. The same goes for tense and POV – past and present tense are both being used this round as well as third person and first person POV’s. These difference will eventually cause each one of us to break out of our comfort zones in order to mash and keep the round going. (I, for one, am having a heck of a time writing my continuation of Nash’s Soccer Dad and Aggeloi’s continuation, Coaching on the Run, because I find first person present writing very difficult.)

What really struck me as interesting, however, is our reactions to reading the different genres - especially those we don't write. While my personal choice in genres allow my style to be descriptive, other genres are not so... forgiving(?). So, when I go to read one of the thriller chapters, I have to remember that what I am used to as a fantasy/scifi writer doesn't necessarily apply to thrillers. The same goes for comedy, drama, and all other genres.

I think, along with getting us out of our writing shells, this Masher’s Round is also getting us out of our critiquing shells. I’m finding that I can’t critique everyone’s stories based solely upon how I alone write. I am forced to discover the standards of each genre, as well as the styles of each writer to understand the pacing, flow, structure, etc. Only when I truly understand what I’m reading can I give good, useful feedback.

Any thoughts, fellow Mashers? Are you finding yourself critiquing based on your own standards of writing, or are you adapting for each story. Which is harder, writing a foreign genre or critiquing one?

I do understand. However, since this is the first Masher's Round on SM, I wanted things as uncomplicated as possible to see how it goes. In the future, or with Alharris' group two, if participants want to change it up, they are more than welcome to. But for now, I think it should stay the way it is.

What say you, SM'ers?

This was, and I hope still is, a fantasy. When I wrote it a few years before joining SM, my initial thought regarding it was traditional fantasy. No, it wasn't inspired by and doesn't really have anything to do with the Robin Hood legend. Robin is a name I love - or rather, a bird I love, and I have always had an interest in archery, so I put the two together.

One of the reasons I was so vague about things is I wanted to give it that mysterious fantasy feel. Telling too much, revealing too much at the beginning of the story didn't seem to fit. Flowy, flowery descriptions didn't seem to fit. The simplicity is what I wanted because I wanted her character to really stand out. A lot of description went into her and the rabbit rather than in her surroundings. Putting the same amount into both would have, I think, cluttered the piece and made it a rough read.

Also, the reason she didn't name the bird or much of the other wildlife is because the road is unfamiliar to her. She's on a journey. She's left her home in the Dusk Woods behind to make her way to an archery contest. She doesn't know the prey, doesn't know the local wildlife, etc. She might not know if it is a hawk or an eagle, perhaps having never laid eyes on it before - same with the plant - she doesn't know what it is. Her skills tell her how to judge it, but not what it is exactly and whether it is safe to eat.

Bunny, I think, fit because of her youth. Though a seasoned archer/hunter, she is still an adolescent. That and repeating the word rabbit throughout would've become boring and well, repetitive. I loved the flow of the sentence "bunny in sights." When writing it, it had a good... well a good taste, a good feel. It sounded right - young, a little humorous, lightening the mood because she was so serious about not hitting the thing and yet still young enough to laugh at the fact.

I was shocked and a little dismayed when Dkk originally chose this because I wrote it so long ago and it isn't one of my best. It was one of my best when I first joined SM, but I've grown since then and had I a chance to rewrite it, I would have changed it a bit. Bunny in sights line would've stayed though. :) I know in a way I did have a chance, but Dkk didn't request me to rewrite it and I didn't want to ruin her inspiration and ideas by altering mine.

I'm glad it interested you and that you are intrigued by the bunny's behavior. I'm glad also that you thought it clever. I hope I cleared a few things up - though having to do so in the comments section means I didn't do a good enough job in the story itself. :)

Thank you, as always, for your feedback, Ace. I appreciate it and it is always welcome.

Favorite line: Jerry finally removed each eyeball from where they were wedged between both firm breasts. (I've read this twice now and laughed out loud both times at this line.)

Great job, Al. I loved the dialogue between Jerry and Donna and the addition of a dire situation at the end. You raised the bar another notch or two with this.

I actually didn't realize there was not "or else" in his threat. (I'll have to take better notes on my next mash.) I guess when reading it, I just put two and two together - if someone wants you out of town bad enough to invade your home and strike you, then the "or else" is kinda implied.

As for the dog, I'm a believer that stories should have a happy ending. Which means I would like this story to end with all major characters alive except perhaps the bad guy. A dog would have been a way to have some violence/shock - especially against Trina by her neighbors or against Mark the cop - without hurting the kids. I have a real hard time with stories that have dogs that get hurt or killed. Not knowing how everyone else was going to work this story, I didn't want to take that chance.

Thanks for the Feedback, Ace. It is appreciated.

Thanks, DJ. I can't wait to see what happens to Trina in chapter 3.

Well... you know how much I like puppies. :D

Ugh - I just noticed a couple of oopsies -

Stovetop is chapter two of Alharris' original Crockpot.
Coaching on the Run is the second chapter of Nash's Soccer Dad.

The above should read:

Crockpot - Nash
Soccer Dad - JD

I think my favorite part was him picking up the fly and blowing on it. It was so subtle, but that one part of the story, to me, could lead the plot for the rest of the Masher's Round.

Well done, Al!

Thanks, Shadinah!

It seems forever and a day since I wrote this one. (I actually wrote the first draft of it long before SM.) I am glad it was chosen for the Masher's Round and really look foward to seeing where everyone chooses to take it. :D

(Okay, I'm reposting this to make it a little easier to see.)

Here’s the lineup for Round Two: (Original Story Title – Round Two Masher)

A Modern Horror – Dkk
Robin’s Rabbit – Shadinah
Jewel Guardians – WWB
Dirty Laundry – Djinn
Jerry’s Adventure – Alharris
Death Benefit – Ace
Stovetop – Nash
A Winter Fail – Aggeloi
Coaching on the Run – JD

Unless someone objects, we’ll keep to the two weeks time limit. Happy Mashing!

Round One is complete! Thanks to all participants and readers.

Here are the original stories and their links:

A Modern Horror:
http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/lokalisa/
Robin’s Rabbit:
http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/tekopopu/
Jewel Guardians (Revised):
http://storymash.com/u/dkk4510/pibofefe/
Dirty Laundry:
http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/masurava/
Jerry’s Adventure (Revised):
http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/patutube/
Death Benefit:
http://storymash.com/u/djinndarme/kifepipe/
Crockpot:
http://storymash.com/u/alharris/sipigeho/
A Winter Fail:
http://storymash.com/u/Ace/rarutota/
Soccer Dad:
http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/subivova/

And here are the continuations:

A Modern Horror – 2:
http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/voledehi/
Robin’s Rabbit –2:
http://storymash.com/u/dkk4510/bekarugi/
Jewel Guardians – 2:
http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/rutugosa/
Dirty Laundry – 2:
http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/hogihewu/
Jerry’s Adventure – Chapter 2:
http://storymash.com/u/djinndarme/fopadavi/
Death Benefit..Chapter 2:
http://storymash.com/u/alharris/todaguko/
Stovetop:
http://storymash.com/u/Ace/lulagetu/
A Winter Fail (2):
http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/wekiwafe/
Coaching on the Run:
http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/nowotuke/

Here’s the lineup for Round Two: (Original Story Title – Round Two Masher)

A Modern Horror – Dkk
Robin’s Rabbit – Shadinah
Jewel Guardians – WWB
Dirty Laundry – Djinn
Jerry’s Adventure – Alharris
Death Benefit – Ace
Stovetop – Nash
A Winter Fail – Aggeloi
Coaching on the Run – JD

Unless someone objects, we’ll keep to the two weeks time limit. Happy Mashing!

Sent it to alharris@wayne.edu

Shadinah, this is amazing! You did a fantastic job fleshing out the story and adding new and exciting elements to it. I love the crystals and how their "essence" can be translated to others. Wonderful addition.

Great, great job!

Other than a missing word in the first paragraph (The paradox frustrated her, and (she) squeezed her eyes tightly against the searing morning sun.) I think this is publish worthy. Nothing else caught my eye as far as editing is concerned.

Alright, SM'ers - don't forget to read and comment on both the originals and the continuations for the first round in this summer's Masher's Round.

Comments = feedback = better writing.

Thanks! :)

No worries, Shad. Life has a way of getting in the way sometimes. :)

I'll take a look at it today and give you some feed back. As soon as you post, I'll put up round two here in the forum.

Happy SM Birthday, Al!

Not yet.

Shadinah, you ready to publish Jewel Guardians - 2?

I honestly thought the dates and the fact it was a scar and not a cut on her head would give enough to the reader to show time had passed. I'll work better on the transitions from now on though.

Thanks, Dkk! I'm so glad that the new characters and the creepy neighbor came across so well.

Thanks, Aggeloi! I'm glad you caught the subtleties of it.

Not too short. I think each story in the Masher's Round will require different lengths of chapters. This length fit perfectly with the timing of the overall story.

Published "A Modern Horror - 2"

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/voledehi/

I love it, Ace. Fantastic job bringing into the story the element of possible mental instability. I can't wait to see where this goes.

Oh, and I agree with Dkk about the soup coming out of the can. Brilliant addition. Well done!

Good continuation, Dkk. There were a few typos in there, but since you published so dang quickly, (and without my approval - teehee) I won't get into them. Except quart vs court yard. :D

I like how you got the rabbit to communicate with Robin. And I like how you ended it, opening it up for other mashers.

Well done, my friend.

Thanks, Aggeloi!

I've wanted to mash this since I first read it. Just haven't gotten around to it until now. Thank goodness for the Masher's Round. :) I thought about adding another character - a dog - but felt there are too many bad things that can happen to a dog in this kind of story.

I did feel the first section - Trina in the bathroom and moving through her house - reads a little disjointed and I'm not sure if this fits or not. Should I rework it before publishing or do you think it fits?

Good intro chapter, Johnny. You have a gift for developing characters efficiently - that is - great development with little description. You seem to have a nice grasp on Show vs Tell, especially for a first person perspective.

I loved the voice of your character and it was nice to see consistency throughout with regards to that voice.

Yes, there were a few typos. As they've been pointed out, I won't get into it. However, there are two things you can do to avoid them in the future. (Not entirely. Even the best of us have issues with publishing a story before it is free of typos.)

1) Do a line by line. Go through it sentence by sentence without "reading" it as a story. Edit one sentence at a time. Then do paragraphs. One at a time. Then pages. This helps catch both word usage issues, missing letters, etc. When you start going into paragraphs, it helps with the flow - making sure sentences and words don't repeat themselves.

2) Read your story out loud. Several times. Record it if you can. (I personally hate recording my voice, but when I do, I find I catch things that I would normally have missed otherwise.) Listen to the flow of the words. If you catch yourself mid sentence and have to start the sentence over, then chances are there's something there that needs fixing.

I hope this helps. Your debut into the StoryMash community shows great promise. I very much look forward to reading more of your work. Well Done! :D

Lol - approves? I'm supposed to approve? Hm... does this mean that Aggeloi gets to approve "A Modern Horror - 2" before I publish it? :D

Djinn, you did a wonderful job developing your character throughout. The last part, about the final scene, was brilliant. It left this open to so many wonderful opportunities. I can't wait to see where this goes. :)

I agree with the others - great tension building. I absolutely loved that you didn't reveal what was written on the towel.

The voice of the character was a little off, a little different than the previous chapter. But then, it worked well with the pacing of the chapter. I wouldn't be myself or sound like myself if someone I loved suddenly went missing. At first, I thought this would be a point against you - so to speak. But now that I've read it again, I like the change. :D

Sounds good. "A Modern Horror - 2" is up in draft form.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/voledehi/

I guess I'm the slacker this round. :) I'm nearly finished with my chapter and hope to have it up tomorrow some time.

I have this issue with Internet Explorer. If you can, try Mozilla Firefox. I don't know why IE does it, but I think it has something to do with font or formatting.

Sounds great, Dkk. Email me if you need anything. :D

Thanks, Djinn! I'm glad it was chosen too.

Absolutely brilliant, Al! I can't believe I missed this before. Wow.

Great writing, great character voice, and a wonderful flow that keeps the readers reading. Well done!

Kind of. It is basically posting a new chapter with "Revised" in the title. If you want to re-post and want to delete your original - shoot Katrina an email and she'll help you out.

Thanks, Joel. I hope you do. Your comments and votes are most welcome.

Yes, Ace - rate and comment on all stories including the originals. The comments are, I think, the true purpose of the Masher's Round. I know we all want some completed stories out there, but we also need good feedback on how to better our craft. Scores - not so important, but fun and helpful when done appropriately.

Don't post Jerry's Adventure 3 just yet, Alharris. Keep it as a draft until round one is complete. Some of us haven't had a chance to do our first mash yet. Don't want you mash-maniacs getting ahead of us. :)

You can run League Two as you see fit - poetry and participants are your choice.

As for the re-post of original chapters - I don't think it will work this time around because some of the originals have their round one chapters added. For those of you who haven't had your story mashed yet, the decision is yours. Unless Dkk wants a rewrite, I'll leave Robin's Rabbit as it is.

Wonderful job of opening this one up. Now I really, really feel for the guy. I can't wait to see where this goes. :D

DJ, you did an amazing job keeping with the original and yet expanding upon it. Well done!

Rewrite - good. Awkwardness - great. Geeze I wouldn't want to be in his shoes factor - awesome.

As always, WWB, great chapter!

In keeping with a true round, you'll be mashing the same author throughout. So, since you mashed Shad's "Dirty Laundry" now you'll be mashing her second chapter of Dkk's Jewel Guardians.

I could have made it so we never mash the same author twice - but that would be far too complicated - even for my orgas...er, organizational skills. :D

For those of you who have an opportunity to begin round two - by all means start writing. But no posting any round two chapters until round one is finished. Please. :)

Okay, sorry for the delay - here is the update for League One (for lack of a better name at this point. Al, you taking on League Two?):

JD is taking on Aggeloi's "A Modern Horror"

Dkk is taking on JD's "Robin's Rabbit"

Shadinah is taking on Dkk's "Jewel Guardians"

WWB is taking on Shadinah's "Dirty Laundry"

Djinn has taken on WWB's "Jerry's Adventure" and has posted “Jerry’s Adventure – Chapter 2”

Alharris has taken on Djinn’s “Death Benefit” and has posted “Death Benefit..Chapter 2”

Ace will be taking on one of Alharris’ stories. (No rush, Ace. Take your time.)

Nash has taken on Ace’s “A Winter Fail” and has posted “A Winter Fail (2)”

Aggeloi has taken on Nash’s “Soccer Dad” and has posted “Coaching on the Run”

Instead of scrolling through all the comments – unless you like scrolling through all the comments – here are the addresses to the originals and the newly posted.

A Modern Horror: http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/lokalisa/
Robin’s Rabbit: http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/tekopopu/
Jewel Guardians (Revised): http://storymash.com/u/dkk4510/pibofefe/
Dirty Laundry: http://storymash.com/u/shadinah/masurava/
Jerry’s Adventure (Revised): http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/patutube/
Death Benefit: http://storymash.com/u/djinndarme/kifepipe/
A Winter Fail: http://storymash.com/u/Ace/rarutota/
Soccer Dad: http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/subivova/

Jerry’s Adventure – Chapter 2: http://storymash.com/u/djinndarme/fopadavi/
Death Benefit..Chapter 2: http://storymash.com/u/alharris/todaguko/
A Winter Fail (2): http://storymash.com/u/nashvillebecker/wekiwafe/
Coaching on the Run: http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/nowotuke/
http://storymash.com/u/writerwannabe/gigatipe/

When you come back, we'll have another Masher's Round in your honor.

Welcome to the site, Johnny! I look forward to seeing you're work. :D

You did well, my friend, in building the tension and developing the characters and plot at the same time. Your characters are facinating. I am curious what you had in mind for this one, as it is longer than most of your other ones, and whether you originally thought to continue it. However, now that it's a part of the Masher's Round, I look forward to seeing where it goes. Good job, Dkk. Very well done.

Have a great time, LadyLuck! I look forward to your safe and many-story-filled return. :D

Sounds good, Dkk. I can't wait to see what you do with it.

Things have been hectic here all of a sudden, but I hope to have my chapter posted in the next couple of days.

Take whatever time you need, my friend. We're all here for you. Thoughts, prayers, and well wishes for you and your family from me and mine.

Great chapter, Aggeloi! I, too, love how you got into the character's head - his shock, panic, and all the overwhelming emotions involved with having a child taken. Well done, my friend.

Great chapter, Shad. You have a wonderful style that keeps the reader reading. The pacing at the end - perfect. Well done!

Great continuation, Nash. You did an excellent job in taking a morsel of a story and expanding upon it, creating the potential for a full on three course meal. Well done, also, in matching the voice of the original.

Thanks, Djinndarme!

Aggeloi, I really like how you set the stage with this one and the possibilities are endless as to where it can go. I greatly look forward to mashing this.

Forum or emails, what ever you're comfortable with.

jessicawillums@msn.com

Thank you!

I vote that it is up to you guys as long as you don't continue a story line that requires everyone to do a ton of reading - Dkk, Renaissance is off limits. :D

When writing the rules, I didn't realize this dilemma would come up. Al, if you really want to do Death Benefit, then go for it. Rules are meant to be bent a little and broken if necessary. :D

Great chapter, Nash! I love how you took something that seems so innocent and turned it around. Every parent's most frustrating woes and then terrible fears came to life on the page/screen. The voice of your character came across superb and the ending left me definitely wanting more.

Aggeloi, you didn't make this choice easy. I hope to be able to do this one justice.

A Modern Horror

http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/lokalisa/

Thanks, Mexican. I'm not all that into war myself but thought this would be a great opening scene for a sci-fi. I am, however, glad this came across so well. I'm not sure what the future holds for this one. Will it be mashed? Will I continue it? Not sure yet; I guess we'll see. Again, thank you for your wonderful comments.

You guys are so nice... I was thinking of only one week turn around. :)

Dreams, yes. Fertile imagination, yeah. War stories from family or vets, only a rare few and dialed down for young ears.

Thank you, Theblackhand!

Good Monday Sm'ers! Here's your green flag.

The sign up booth has officially closed for this Masher's Round. Thank you to everyone who will be participating. I greatly look forward to seeing what each of you bring to the table.

I've dipped into my mug (couldn't get the hat out of storage in time) and here are our assignments.

Masher - Original Author

JD - Aggeloi
Dkk - JD
Shadinah - Dkk
WWB - Shadinah
Djinn - WWB
Alharris - Djinn
Ace - Alharris
Nash - Ace
Aggeloi - Nash

So, I'll be taking a look at Aggeloi's work sometime today.

There will be nine rounds total with the original author tying up all lose ends and writing the ending to the story they began.

When you choose your story you want to mash, copy and paste its address here in the forum so we all can read and comment. Do the same with your own mash of the story when you finish round one.

Have fun and happy mashing. I'll post round two when all of round one is completed.

Thanks, Al. I'm looking forward to it as well, though I'm not sure yet if I'm the one who'll be writing it. :D

Now I'm the one who's speechless... almost. Thank you, my friend, for your wonderful praise. It really means the world to me.

No, I have never lived through anything like this in reality. Do dreams count?

:D

I think I understand the tense issues now. Whenever you get into your character's minds, you switch tense from past to present. This makes reading difficult. My recommendation is to keep either the one or the other. The thoughts will still translate well and will read a lot stronger if you keep one tense throughout.

Regardless, interesting premise. I look forward to seeing what you do with this one.

Clunky means there isn't a natural flow or rhythm to the story. Stilted is another way of putting it - the sentences just don't seem to fit together nicely, like puzzle pieces that have been chewed up by mice. They still fit, but they fit badly, loosely, or are missing chunks.

One thing that might help is to explore and practice the show vs tell aspect of writing. Telling is exactly that - you tell the reader what is going on. This is good for a narrative voice but can only take a story so far. Showing is a difficult tool to master, but once done, it enriches writing to its fullest. Instead of telling the reader what is happening, you put the reader into the story itself, showing them the little details, the action within the dialogue, the emotions of the characters, the visuals that speak volumes without being wordy. Showing isn't necessarily lengthy descriptions. It is simply setting the stage with a good balance of description, action, and emotion.

Since you like WWB's work, look into it more closely. Read his stories out loud and then read your stories out loud. See and hear the differences and take note about what you like about his writing. Read/listen to the "flow" of the words within the sentences, the sentences within the paragraphs, the paragraphs within the story itself. Notice his choice of words for certain moments; keep in mind connotations. Notice also the timing and pacing - the lengthy sentences when he wants you, the reader, to slow down, the quick short sentences when he wants your heart to race. Listen to the sound of his dialogue, the feel of the characters and how they speak not only with their voices, but with their bodies and emotions also.

Keep writing, HiddenCounter. You are growing as a writer and that is the best place possible to be. Keep growing, keep learning, keep striving for perfection. I look forward to reading more of your work and witnessing that growth.

Ace! Welcome back! Of course you can play. :D

Thanks, Aggeloi! I'd been hemming and hawing over finishing this one for a while now and decided to give it a go today. I'm glad you liked it and that the action worked out. Thanks again. :D

I have a top hat, but it is in storage. How about a fancy mug? I have a really pretty one that has brown and blue flowers. It's sitting on my desk. Will that do? :D

For lack of a better word right now - Woohoo! Welcome aboard, Nash!

Just published a new chapter, one I'd been working on from time to time in the last few months. I wanted to try a more action oriented scene this time. Hope you enjoy.

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/heretuve/

Oh, by the way - for those participating, if you have any stories that you have been meaning to post but haven't yet, now is the time. Whoever gets your name gets to choose what story we all mash upon, so if there is something you'd like to see continued, put it out there. No guarantees it’ll be chosen, but then, we can't mash what isn't available. :D

Okay, well we don't exactly need an even number for this one (unless you really really like even numbers, WWB). However, since the weekends are particularly slow here on SM, we'll go ahead and wait until Monday to give anyone else the chance to join.

In the mean time, how do you guys want to do this - do you want to choose the author you will be mashing or should I draw names out of a hat? I personally choose names out of a hat to make things both challenging and fair, but it is up to the majority. Let me know by Monday if you can and then we'll get started.

Yay! :D

Dkk
Aggeloi
Djinn
Al
WWB
Me

We each pick someone else on the list, check out their stories, and pick one story to mash. Say, I picked Agg, Agg picked DKK, Dkk picked WWB, WWB picked Al, Al picked Djinn, and Djinn picked me - then I would choose a story Agg wrote while WWB chooses a story Al wrote, etc. We all mash our individual stories at one time and submit around the same time. We then all comment on each other's works (Including the original) and switch. I would take Agg's story that she continued of Dkk's, Agg would take Dkk's story that originally belonged to WWB, etc. (Kind of like singing in a round but writing instead.)

And yes, I think it is fair that we only choose stories from participators in this project. Kind of a perk for being a part of it. :) And I'll keep track of who's writing what here in the forum so it doesn't get too confusing. (I hope.)

How much longer should we wait for potential participants? Or should we get started now? Let's hear it, SM'ers. What do you think?

:D

Thanks, Aggeloi! I actually starting writing another chapter to this in my head the other day. Unfortunately, I forgot everything before I had a chance to write it down. I might try again, this time with pen and paper handy. :)

I'm not certain whether I'll work on Renaissance anymore or not. I love the story, and have it completed in outline form. We'll see. I might revive the storyline and finish it. Thanks again, my friend!

Sweet - So, we have:
DKK
Aggeloi
Djinn
and Me.

Al, you in? WBScott? Anyone else?

What do you think, SM'ers, should we wait a few more days before getting started? (In case anyone else wants to join.)

Hurray! It is good to see you back, my friend.

Excellent writing. Beautiful descriptions. The ending felt just a tad rushed, but otherwise, well done.

Great poem, Al. Not only because of the flow and pacing, but the message as well. :D Well done.

Poignant. I take it you took some of this from your own experiences and even fears? Writing is good therapy, isn't it? But remember to write your hopes as much as your fears, face them both on the page. (Easier said than done, I know.)

Other than a few words that didn't quite fit the scene, and a few unnecessary words/repeated words that halted the flow a bit, this was very well done. I could feel the emotions in your character and in her dog. Good job. Again, I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep it up, Clyde. :)

Hopefully by now you've read Alharris' comment regarding voting for yourself. The way the system works is in order to make things fair for every writer, SM has to offset initial perfect votes from authors. Thus, the site automatically votes low to bring the first perfect vote down to average. It works, for those who understand it. :)

This one was better, less stilted than before. Well done. It did feel a bit rushed at points and there were some excellent opportunities for some Show vs Tell action. I would have loved to see the actual shapeshifting as she turned into a fox. Also, I read the fear, but didn't feel it - in other words, you told about it, didn't show it to your readers.

Show and tell comes with practice and passion. And even the best writers forget it, or even lose it, from time to time. So no worries. This was good. I look forward to more. Well done! :)

Okay, a little rough around the edges, but certainly not bad. Actually, pretty well done. I can definitely feel that you are stilted as a writer right now. (Been there, experienced that, still go through it from time to time.) One of the hardest things to do as writers is to force ourselves to write when we don't feel like it. It is also one of the best things we can do as writers.

That said, good premise. I'm not a big fan of the vampire craze that's hit the nation recently, but I do find myself curious about your characters. For the most part, there were a few mistakes that could be cleared up with a quick read over - i.e. a little confusion as to which girl is which when he joins the dance. There were times your descriptions flowed very well and there were times the narration did not. Again, this could be from your writer's block.

My suggestion, if you chose to rewrite this particular chapter, is to put on some music that reminds you of this character. Get into his head. Play the music the girl is dancing to. Literally act out the scene as the guy, as the girl, watch it from another person's point of view. Get a feel for his emotions, for his pain at losing her, the pain of the memory, the excitement she instantly brought to his life. I know these things are there, but they need to come to the surface through your character's voice.

I hope all this helps a bit. As writers, the last thing we want is "this is perfect" and nothing else. You have talent and I look forward to reading more of your work. Well done, Clyde. Keep writing. :)

There are many writers here on SM who can help you break out of your writer's/artist's block. Check out the forums for several threads regarding overcoming writer's block. Read and comment and start your own threads in the forum to chat with other writers and ask their advice. Take a break from your story - write something else, something differnt that challenges you. Find a story here on SM that you like and mash it. (These are some things that might help with the loneliness and the blockage.)

We're a kind of family here, Clyde. Welcome to the group. Keep writing. Keep going towards your goals. Trust me, and ask any other serious writer here, if you stop now and give up your goals, you will someday grow to regret it.

I'll check out and comment on your other chapters sometime in the near future. I hope things start to brighten up for you soon. :)

Katrina - is there a way we could convert this into a project and have it in the Projects section? (For easier access to old and new chapters.)

Ugh - not anyone else interested in idolization. Anyone else interested in joining this "Project?"

WBS - unfortunately, it seems the project section of this site has gone by the wayside since Honey stepped down. Aggeloi has done a great job in getting the current projects finished, but there's no one with the time to really get new projects going again, which is, I think, the reason Alharris posted this thread in the first place.

Al - I'm not certain if reposting the original stories would work, as chapters tend to get lost along the way - especially if someone on the site superposts and floods the main pages. What we could do – if Katrina isn’t able to put this in the projects section - is copy the url for the original chapter an paste it here in the forum.

This idea is supposed to not only encourage mashing, but communication using the forums and comments sections as well. If we communicate - mashers to original author, author to mashers, mashers to mashers, then maybe the forums won't be quite so much like a ghost town and maybe we’ll actually get some good, well rounded, feedback.

(And I don't really think that the projects were all originally leaning towards the fantasy genre. I think that since so many of us write fantasy, our own preferences worked their way into the projects.)

Can't juggle or yodel, or moonwalk - but can write in several genre's and styles (including but not limited to: fantasy, science fiction, poetry, memoir, non-fiction science, non-fiction philosophy, historic fiction, children’s, young adults, theatre/script, comedy, lyrics, ect.), sing both classical and modern music, paint, draw, sculpt, train dogs (Dachshunds and Poodles mostly), cook, crochet, speed read, ect. (Full resumes available upon request.)

:D

Idolize? - Uh-oh. :)

That makes two (Including me). Anyone else interested?

How about a masher's round. A simple way to continue some stories and to develop camaraderie. It is also good practice for working in other genres beside our own.

Writers offer to participate using the forum. They then choose another participating writer, go to their profile, choose a story, and mash it.

The rules:
1. Choose a story that hasn't been mashed by any other writers other than the original author.
2. If you choose one person, that person cannot choose you right off the bat.
3. Everyone participating comments and ranks everyone's work, including the original story being mashed.

When all the story continuations are posted, we each switch and take on another writer's work, continuing where the previous masher left off.

This continues until everyone participating has mashed on everyone else's story.

Thanks, Djinndarme! I am so glad this inspired you. :D

An excellently written snippet from a newbe that has the potential to grow into something more. Check it out, SM'ers. This is worth the read.

"Across the board the dice are cast.." by justdaydreaming

Excellently written. Well done!

An interesting twist. Well done, my friend, on both the first and this second chapter. A few passive sentences halted the flow a little. Other than that, well written. You always do very well getting into your character's minds and showing the reader their personalities. Again, well done. :D

Thank you, WWB. I'm glad you "wasted time" also. :D

Awe... *blushes*

Thanks, Dkk! (I'm really proud of how far you've come yourself in this area in the last couple of years.)

:D

Show and tell isn't about action vs description. What I've learned is to show properly, one shouldn't list or display adjective after adjective. Show is rather action and emotion within description. A simple example I'd shown a friend recently is: "He was angry" vs "He clenched his fingers into fists so tight the blood cut off from the tips leaving them stark white." Description alone is tell writing and can come across as boring and dry. Narritive writing is the same. But if you add action and emotion, if you get into your characters' heads and put yourself in their shoes, if you put on paper not just that thye were strikingly beautiful but why they are beautiful, how they are beautiful, what that beauty means to you or your characters, then the words begin to relate to the reader and the reader to the words. Profound writing can be both active and descriptive. There are several writers here on SM that write this way. Check out Writterwannabe and Aggeloi and our friend above, WBScott, just to name a few.

Wow, WWB. I think this is one of your best yet. The show and tell aspect was very well done here as was the pacing. You kept the tone of the character perfectly. Well done, my friend. Again, wow.

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I'm glad you liked it.

Does this mean you are working on chapter two? If so, I look forward to reading it. :D

Thank you, Alharris! I'm glad what little I wrote caught your interest.

Um... actually, I haven't written anything else for this. I was bored while making some magnets and the first few sentences popped into my head. I don't think I had any plans of continuation with this one - it is more just a prompt/practice. Again, thanks!

Thanks, LadyLuck!

Well done, WWB! Really well written. As with all your work, it leaves the reader wanting more.

:D

Welcome to StoryMash, JazzieRay!

Thanks, WWB. It's good to be posting again.

Not my best, not my worst. Just something I wrote while working with clay. (Making 150 magnets for a mother daughter tea I was co-hosting.) I don't normally address the reader and I don't normally write in the first person. But both seemed to fit this time. I agree about the clunkiness. This one seems to lack my usual rhythm and pacing.

Thanks, Dkk! I'm glad you liked it.

Well done, Dkk. Great premise!

I do agree with WWB in the show vs tell department. There are several great opportunities to really delve into the show quality writing I know you are capable of. Not that this beginning can't do without. It kind of leaves showing for future chapters. A prelude rather than a prologue, perhaps. The great part was that it left me wanting more.

Again, well done. :D

A new beginning chapter up titled "Clay"

Please enjoy.

Thanks, Dkk. I'm glad you liked this one.

As for Renaissance, I'll leave up what I have done here for a little while longer, but I won't be finishing the story on StoryMash. Yes, eventually I'd like to develope it into an actual novel. But for now, like so many other stories, it is on my back burner until my other novel is finished.

Thanks again!

Welcome to the site, Veraelaine!

Ah, but if a story starts too slowly, then the readers won't get to the end because they'll have given up on it. :) For me, starting a story is easy. Beginnings, at first, are easy. But towards the end, they become more difficult because of that daunting rule that the first five (pages, paragraphs, sentences, and words) must catch your readers attention or else they won't bother with it at all. (To use the same expample of this site, perhaps there are no endings because so many don't want to bother with bad beginnings?)

I'm currently editing the second draft my own novel right now and have reached my last chapter. Oof. Yeah, I plowed through it and wrote as fast as my fingers could type. But now that I have reread it, I find it has very little punch to it and am now facing an almost complete rewrite of the entire chapter. You're right, Nash, about pacing not working for first drafts. But I think it is necessary for any and all drafts after that first.

Beginnings or endings? For me, it's both but for different reasons. Beginnings are hard for me because I want to go back and perfect them and so rewrite the beginning far more than any other part of the book. Endings are hard because I see that light at the end of the tunnel and instead of keeping a nice steady pace I rush to finish. What about you, SM'ers? Which is more difficult?

The first chapters and the last are the hardest for me. Currently working on editing the last chapter of my own novel, so I understand the hangups. :)

As for this one - quick and creepy, which fits the storyline well. Interesting premise and kind of scary when one thinks about how real it can be.

Thanks everyone for your wonderful comments. It was so nice to delve back into the world of imagery again.

This speech, of course, was a mistake, though not my worst before the night was over.

Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, I never got the chance to down those shots.

And then, to my utter humiliation, the unspeakable happened; I tripped.

Something new - a bit of imagery with a slightly dark theme. Comments most welcome. :)

http://storymash.com/u/JD_Renaissance/pinamene/

Thank you, LadyA!

Welcome to the site, Moogle!

Again, thanks! Don't worry about Mr. Kindle, he'll get his comeuppance. In the mean time, no the story is not coming to an end soon. :) I'm a little over half way there. However, I think I'm going to have to take a break from working on it for a while. Life seems to be getting in the way.

Thanks, Dkk. I think if I rewrite the previous chapter well enough, then I can in turn make this one a bit faster paced. Not sure.

For me, it depends greatly on what comes first, character or setting or story idea.

Now, no laughing - If I come up with a great character but no plot, I play act as that character. I create dialogue with other imaginary characters, put myself into different situations, etc. What I'm looking for when I do this is conflict. If I can give my characters some sort of dire situation, some conflict, then I have a plot, or at least the seeds of one. (I also jot down every great dialogue and action sequence I have with myself for future reference.)

And if I come up with a great story but no characters, I do the same thing only putting me into the situation and seeing what kind of character I would need to be to overcome it.

A lot of times, the conflict comes to me before everything else, plot or characters or settings. This is fun because everything seems to just flow from that conflict and how to resolve it, including other, deeper, conflicts.

A note on conflict - there are several kinds and there can be many in one story. Character vs character, character vs situation, character vs self, etc.

A little over a decade older than you, Kiyoshi, and I still don't have my drivers license. (Just haven't gotten around to it yet.)

Internet Explorer

Here's another one that just comes up blank -

http://storymash.com/u/purefairypoison/rahumiro/

Well, I copied and pasted what I usually see on Agg's story but I guess the computer didn't want to translate it.

Which is kind of the reason for this post, I think. What is happening is some stories are working fine for some people. They can read it, they can vote and comment on it. But for others, they can't get it to come up. I've tried on several computers and with logging out of my account and still all I get is:

Earlier and with other stories, I didn't get anything - just a blank page that doesn't seem to load fully. On the right hand side there are no options for Home, Contest, My Profile, etc. It literally seems like the page refuses to complete loading, no matter how long I wait.

Good advice, Wwb. I'll have to be careful to not lose the flow and tension of it, but if I drag the scene out a bit, have her walk away from him, be followed and cornered again, etc. then it should work. It might benefit the scene anyway to drag it out. Thanks for your help, my friend.

Very, very well written, Poete. And very intriguing. I look forward to seeing where this goes. Well done!

Welcome to the site, Kissthepony!

Yay, thank you so much! More to come soon. :D

Good continuation, Wwb. The end felt a smidge rushed, but not so much as to detract. Well done! :D

http://storymash.com/u/Aggeloi/gatibuvi/

(Well, not necessarily get rid of as in do something with, I suppose.) :)

I'm actually glad you want me to get rid of Norman - though you know I won't. :) It means I wrote a really nasty character - yay! Lol. No, unfortunately, Norman still has a purpose in the story. He actually has/does/will become the epitome of the real conflict against humanity (referencing back to the very first chapter).:D

No worries, Wwb. You did have some points in your earlier comment. I was worried that this chapter would slow things down with explanations, but am glad I put it in after all.

Btw - Thank you soooo much for all your comments and support. It means so much to me that you have followed this story from the beginning. Again, Thank You!

I read all your most recent comments first before coming back to reply so I know you now understand Renni's motives. What is really interesting is the verisimilitude. This chapter was hard for me to write because it was pretty close to home. While I've never had anyone attack me as Renni did, I have trained to fight and have wondered if the need ever came, would I be able to use the skills I've developed or would I freeze. Renni reacted the exact way I believe I would have reacted. Not only did Renni hesitate because of Norman's motives, but she hesitated because she was in a way afraid. I kind of touched on this when she thinks of how he's been watching her and how he would be able to anticipate her movements. She froze and didn't know whether she could fight him or not. But when he attacked someone else - Mina - instincts came in and she was able to shove him off. Her going for Mina and not for Norman was based solely on her understanding of his motives, her fear gone in the heat of things. I'm sorry that all this didn't come across in the scheme of things. Any suggestions for the rewrite?

Teehee. Thanks, Wwb.

I agree that I rushed into this confrontation. At the same time, I also know that if I slowed down and showed the scenes of her watching him, their verbal battles escalating, etc., then it would've dragged the story down too much and taken too long to get back to the fast paced action. However, I do hope that this initial rushing won't detract from their continuing animosity. I'm glad you liked Renni's speech and her using her leg. Gruesome but effective, I thought.

Thanks, Wwb. I'm glad that the show vs tell ratio had the right balance. It is such a difficult balance to maintain sometimes. I'm also glad I haven't lost your interest with this story.

I know how you feel about pacing a novel and trying to get every scene and every chapter and paragraph and sentence perfect and then just letting go and lightening up. I seem to do my best work when I don't really think about what I'm writing and just let it flow from me. Which is probably why editing and revisions - the current stage I'm in with my novel - are taking soooooo long. Ugh. :)

Just posted two more Renaissance chapters. :D

Me neither. :D

Oooh cool. Thanks!

:D

I wasn't quite sure about the rubber band part and am glad it worked out so well.

I might have to teach Marshal the word goop now. :D Thanks, Dkk!

Teehee... thanks. Glad you liked it.

Oh geeze...

Well done, Wwb. I really felt for your characters, his embarrassment and her knowledgeable amusement. Great job.

Absolutely brilliant as usual, Nash. :D

Yay you got it! Oh yay. This is the only time I've really tied in any specific characters to the global chapters and am soooo glad you caught on to who it is. Yay.

Repetitive? Nah...

I'm so glad you like Marshal. :D Thank you.

Marshal is definitely one of my favorite characters. Thanks! :D

Thanks, Aggeloi. I'm glad their friendship and his character growth is coming across so well.

Thanks - I'll take a look at that sentence and see if I can tweak it in the revisions. When I do go back to rework this one, I'll be adding several subplots, one of which is Thomas' story and all he goes through.

Yay, you're back for more! Yippie! :D

Great continuation, Aggeloi! Sorry it took so long to comment. I love Michael's attitude towards his boss and coworkers. Brilliant as always. Looking forward to the next installment. :D

Absolutely brilliant, my friend. A thousand times Wow. Let me say that backwards, woW. :D Well written, very visual. I felt like I was the character, seeing what he saw, feeling what he felt. Again, Wow!

I'll read it!

Great chapter, Dkk! (But, um, I think you got the gender wrong on one of our fellow SM'ers.)

I laughed my butt off when I read that Nash was the sheriff. Very apropos!

Another couple of Renaissance chapters up. Please enjoy!

Thanks, Wwb. This was one of my favorite chapters to write thus far. I'm so glad it came off so well.

I wasn't sure if this was too much tell and not enough show. Which is why I left it as a draft for so long. I think if I had more time I would write out the scenes of her catching him as he made his rounds, etc. Maybe when I go to revise it I'll do that. In the mean time, I've decided to publish as is and move on to the next. On SM I feel I have to keep the pace going a bit quicker than if this were a novel. What do you think?

And no worries about ending it here. There's much more left to the story. :)

Most definitely skin crawling creepy. Very well written, Wwb. *Shivers involuntarily*

Very interesting, Bazooko. Great read. I take it I perished in the fire...? *Commenting from the afterlife* Teehee.

Great, if not creepy, comeback, Honey. :D

I don't know, Dkk, you come up with some pretty good challenges. :D

Welcome to the site, Libin. Write what you like to write and readers will follow. :D

Welcome to the site, Meme!

Wow, thank you so much! And yes, I understand and am grateful for your compliment. (Coffee, the sweet nectar of creativity... yum...)

Thank you so much, Rico!

Thanks, Dogdeity11. I am so glad you enjoyed this.

Another good addition. This one did feel a bit stilted, which could add or detract depending on how you work it. Regardless, well done. :D

I agree you did well with the dialogue and the interaction, bar the little oopsies that were scattered throughout. :D

Great continuation, Dkk. You put just enough in, not too much, and not too little. Well done.

Well done, Rico! I would find writing from a man's perspective very difficult and you did it smashingly. :D

Great chapter, excellent pacing, wonderful twist and cliff-hangeer ending. Greatly looking forward to more.

I've had it happen too.

Welcome to the site, DGrimes. At the bottom of your screen you'll find several links that help explain SM (About StoryMash, Code of Conduct, Terms of Service, Help, etc).

Awe... beat out by one minute? Teehee...

Thanks for the praise and yup, gonna bring in some real conflict, though not so much action. Well, not yet anyway. :)

I've been sooooo busy with cookies and baking for the holidays that I haven't had a chance to get over to your new chapters. But no worries. After this Sunday things should calm down a bit and I can take a look. :D

Wow you two are fast! Jeepers... :)

Thanks, WWB! Trouble definitely is on its way. :D

Two more Renni chapters up. Not sure when I'll be able to continue but hopefully more will come soon. Until then, enjoy. :D

Congrats everyone! Maybe next year I'll be able to participate. :)

Ah, the price of immortality. His spirit survived, but it needs a vessel, a body. Unfortunately, the one he chose was already occupied. Interesting concept. I greatly look forward to what happens to Mitch next.

Great chapter, wwb. Your pacing was spot on and you tied in what could have been boring information into the action/naration very well. Looking forward to the next one. :D

20,000 is still a great accomplishment, Cheese. Congratulations!!!

Unfortunately, publishers might consider any online publication, even SM, to be first publication. Most publishers want first publishing rights. Since right now this is a rough, I don't think it will be an issue. But the more I post, I start to wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot.

:D

Thanks, WWB. :D

Glad you like Solomon. As for moving it along, this is just about the half way point for the story and these character chapters not only build Renni's character and how she's growing in the camp, they also kind of foreshadow the plot itself in a way. Can't tell you more without giving the story away.

If I do an actual word count instead of an SM word count, this story is almost 35,000 words already and it is practically only a rough draft. If I continue this and revise it, I plan to add two or three subplots - what happens to Max, Thomas, and maybe Carter. I'm wondering if I should pull it from SM. I never expected it to take off so well and only started posting it as an experiment. I have a rule that I don't publish anything here that might become novel material later on in order to avoid rights issues. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thanks, WWB. Mr. Sharp was one of the most difficult characters for me to write thus far. I'm glad he came off so well. :D

Yay! It worked!

Well written and well said. We are not the objects that we possess. We do not let them possess us. We are the talents and gifts given to us. True tools of the trade.

One of the best poems on the site. Well done!

Wow, Oliver. I think this is one of your best. Well done!

Lol... So glad to keep you on your toes. ;)

Lol... it's good to have you back, Ace.

I actually find it really hard to only write for ten minutes. If I manage, I still need time to revise, and edit, and... yeah. But who knows, I might give it a try just for you. :) Hmm... what to write about...

In the meantime, I am working on quite a big project here... a story called "Renaissance"
(Shameless plug shamefully plugged)
I would love to hear what you think of it. :D

Argh!!! Now the media is doing it. Certain car company commercials aren't capitalizing their "I's."

In the immortal words of Charlie Brown, "Good Grief!"

Another chapter added to Renaissance. This one is short, but I hope holds a strong impact. Let me know what you all think. :D

Great comeback, Ace! And welcome back!

I love how you built the tension and the last line where his words were jumbled together fit perfectly. :D

*sniffles* But I'm not on the quickie page... :(

Wow, you opened your work here on SM with a real bang... Great chapter, WWB. History, philosophy and true faith vs religion, am I correct? I am glad you haven't posted more of this so that you can retain all your rights. I am also curious where you are taking this theme and your novel. If you are ever interested in a "faith based but not religious" point of view, let me know and I'll take a look at it for you. :D

*Blushes* Aww gee... thanks. I love reading your work. I never know what to expect from you, Wwb, except exceptional writing. :D

Haha... I have a head start, dear. No worries. I'm sure you and I will have the longest running stories here on SM in no time. :) I wouldn't be surprised if this one topped Renaissance. It seems to have much more potential for longevity.

Next Renaissance chapter has been published. Comments, questions, and critiques always welcome. :D

Haha! I am such a Goober! Was on my friend's computer and didn't realize I'd typed in the comment using her name. Anyways, as I said earlier, Thanks, Bjv!

I love how the story has thus far been dialogue. I learned a lot about your favorite theory in this one. Thanks for that. I look forward to learning more. :)

As for gory, I don't usually read gory. But for you, I'll make an exception. :)

Well done, Dkk. You did well in giving both mystery and depth to your new characters. I look forward to reading the physical and emotional reactions of the characters as the Daughters and the Brothers interact. :D

Interesting characters. Looking forward to learning more about them. :D

My favorite line is the last. "Expect anything." Well done, dear. Moving on to the next now. :D

Fascinating... I'm very interested in what you do with this one next. Great visuals at the end. Might I ask – are a lot of Mitch's details, the military history, the band playing, the family, are they based off you and your life?

This was beautiful, Wwb. I loved the ending when she raced to the phone. That in and of itself showed how deep the relationship between husband and wife went. Wow.

(Draft Comment.)

Good so far. Might I suggest taking this to her doing some minor experimenting? You could take the "boring explanatory narrative" and turn it into your character's internal reflections and reactions to the results of her experiments and her referencing different passages in the books seeing why something worked or didn't work, etc. Dialogue is also a way to get beyond the explanations, granted it's borderline cheating. :) Could have one character explain some things to another and the other asking questions which are then answered, etc. From experience, it is good to break up this kind of dialogue with minor action.

Well, I hope my two cents help. :D

Great beginning, Wwb. You did well in setting the stage and introducing the underlying philosophy of the piece. Looking forward to reading more, my friend.

Wow, thank you!

Thanks, Wwb. As for the lantern, the ones I camped with as a scout were fairly light and did sway with little wind prompting. But then, here at the base of the Rockies we do get some high winds, so what I might think of as a breeze someone else might think of as blustery. :) I might have to change that bit in the revisions though, just in case.

Glad he came off that way. He is a little more grounded than the others, not quite so extreme as Mrs. Shoes and Mr. Sharp.

Argh!!! Yeah, Mr. Thorne and Mr. Sharp are the same character. Sharp was the original name I chose but I wanted to change it and did so when introducing his name in the other chapter. When I wrote this one, I must have forgotten that I changed it. Grrr...

Ah well, thus is life, I suppose. Good thing this is in essence a rough. :D

Thanks, Dkk :)

I agree whole heartily with WWB. You have a wonderful style. As for writing the familiar, good for you. We all still write the familiar, regardless of what fiction we produce. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece as well as reading your other work here. Well done and welcome to the site, Bjv. :D

I didn't realize Harbinger had such a negative connotation. Yes, I know the association with doom, but Harbinger also means a messenger, which is what they really are. Mongerers seek out war and destruction while the Harbingers give messages of both doom and hope to potential victims.

Sorry about the confusion with the chapter. I'm bound to have an off day every once in a while. :) I am glad that the news flashes are working so well, though. As always, thanks, Aggeloi!

Thanks, Aggeloi. Read on, my friend, answers do follow. And if they don't, let me know. :D

Yay! You're back!

You know, I used to play the fiddle... or rather the violin. Haven't picked it up in a while though. :D

Thanks... so glad it worked out so well.

Btw... did you read "Renaissance: Water Rising – Day 145, Afternoon" I only ask because it is the only one out of the entire series you haven't commented on and I am greatly curious what you think of the chapter.

Thanks, WWB!

This is intriguing and has potential. My one bit of advice is to be wary of passive sentences. let me know if you have any questions. Well done.

Jeepers, twin 2-year-olds... wow. Wish them happy b-day for me! :)

You wrote the voice of a child amazingly well. I'm curious whether you are going to stick with a five-year-old protagonist or is the little girl going to age and as she ages the reading "grows up" too. Either way, well done. :D

Good continuation, Dkk. A few bumps in the flow of the read due to a few typos and mistakes. Nothing major though. Loved the visuals of Cassandra's power and of the Wicked wriggling and circling. Looking forward to learning more about the brothers. :)

I miss 'em too. I guess it's up to us old dogs to teach the pups how to do things proper on this site, eh? :D

Woohoo! :D

You better survive. It's against the rules if you don't, you know. :D

Joking aside, I guess it's a bit of a dry spell here on SM... Lots of submissions and newbies but so few people commenting. And where is everyone - Ace, Sav, etc.?

Great continuation, WWB. I loved the dialogue between the two and the visuals of her working her jaw before speaking again. Well done, my friend. :D

Another Renaissance chapter is up. Hope to have another soon. Comments are always welcome. Thanks!

Lol... That was fast.

Thanks, Dkk. Mrs. Shoes is a fun character to write. I'm glad she came off so well. As for romance... hm... I guess you'll just have to "stay tuned." :D

Welcome to the site, Roia!

I agree that some of the transitions didn't come off as well as I would've liked - some were nonexistent all together. Something to take care of in the revisions. :)

I love adding small details to what could seem a larger, broader scene. It just seems to add something to the story and to the character's personality, that they would notice something so simple as a fishing pole in the center of so many tents. :) Glad you liked it.

Okay, what did you think? What was confusing? The world chapters do sometimes seem to contradict eachother, but later on they will tie together. I hope. :D

Nope, he's not a Wicked. Lol. :D

No, I actually struggled at the very beginning of the story when it came to what I wanted Marshal to look like and then a few weeks ago it hit me. I wanted something different but also something that would be relatable, thus his shape is humanoid but the rest of him seems liquid.

As for the weapon, since it is from Marshal's world, I wanted it to be like Marshal. I don't think it can become a computer, sorry. And um... I'm kind of on strained terms with the Jolly Man right now... I was offered a job working with the elves and ended up declining. Yeah, he wasn't too happy about that. :D

Thanks, Jinx!

Oh goodie. :D

Thanks, LadyA! I look forward to hearing what you think of the others.

Lol... My little brother plays, but I've never gotten into it. Glad to hear you're hooked. :D

Oh, good. I'm glad they came across as likable right off the bat. Thanks!

Haha... too true. Thank you very much for your comments. I would love to hear what you think of the other chapters of this story. :D

Good continuation thus far. You did well with the dialogue. My one suggestion would be to break up the dialogue with small snippets of action/description - for example, when she's talking about Cancun, actually describe/show the reader what she's feeling rather than tell it through the dialogue only. You can show a bit of her emotions at what the woman is saying - not necessarily saying "I feel confused," but rather "My head spun as I tried to grasp what exactly she was telling me." Keep it coming, LadyA, you're doing great so far. :D

Not bad, LadyA. There was a tense change midway that made things a bit confusing but otherwise well done. Love the visuals and your character's voice. I look forward to seeing where you take this one. Again, well done. :D

Got it. Thanks again!

Sky, clouds, atmosphere, a spinkling of stars, moon, sun... guess it depends on your definition of up... and the time of day. :D

All joking aside, welcome to the site, xXDreamHunterXx!

Lol... yeah, me too...

Thanks, WWB. :D

:D

Fiction... we write fiction??? You mean I didn't really live all this? Uh-oh.

:D

I'm so glad. He is one of my favorite characters to write.

Hurray! So glad his character came off so well. :D

Thanks!

Yay... :D

Thanks, Dkk. I'll keep you suggestion in mind when I go to do the revisions for this one. Again, thanks!

No worries, Alharris. :D

Just posted the next Renaissance chapter. Probably no more 'til Wednesday. :D

I've just come from Madgu's profile page and noticed he has not as of yet commented - on the forum, on others' stories, or in response to someone commenting on one of his own work. I don't think you're going to get an answer, Alharris.

That said, I'm not sure if an answer is required. I agree that some degree of common courtesy is necessary to make this site work and I agree that Magdu has pushed the limits of that courtesy in his multiple submissions. But I, myself, have submitted four or five chapters on the same day before, and so can understand to a certain degree that need to get my work out so that I can receive feedback. However, after reading Magdu's work, I understand that he posts multiple topic chapters with no central theme and those do get frustrating when they clog the front page.

As for the content of Magdu's postings... I believe fiction and non-fiction writing to both fit into the category of creative. No matter the purpose behind the work, the context, or how it is presented, I believe he still has a right to submit it. There are many branches of creative writing, including what I call penny thoughts. When presented in a certain light, they can be inspiring, thought provoking, etc. Now, no offense to Magdu, but yes, I do realize that many of his pieces are neither thought provoking nor inspiring. But that does not give me cause to say to him, stop writing.

I would love to believe we are all here to better ourselves and to improve our craft. Sadly, this is not the case. Some are here for exposure, some for the money, some for the shock value of what they spew out, some because they are bored, some because they need an outlet for their craft, some because they need practice, etc. But those of us who desire to grow and improve have no cause to judge others and their motives. I’m not trying to put anyone in their place and am taking neither side to this. In all honesty, there doesn’t seem to be sides. I understand the frustration. But I also understand that if we go about judging one another, this site and its community of writers, mashers, readers, and commentators will fall apart. I find you an incredible addition to this community and hope I have not offended or added to your frustration with my two-cents.

Thanks, WWB. Quantum physics... very fun. Don't understand much other than the concept. Didn't even realize that I'd written along those lines or that future chapters further added to them. What's really funny is that my hubby has a degree in physics. :D

Woohoo! Teehee... :D

Pressing matters...? Hm...

Hurray! :)

:D Thanks, WWB.

Also, welcome to the site, Mimi!

Absolutely. It might help to put that they are poems in the preview or perhaps the title.

Another Renaissance chapter has been added. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

As is the case with many beginnings. We try so hard to perfect those first few sentences, changing, twisting, working and then reworking them so that they will catch the immediate attention of all readers who happen upon them. It is drilled into every writer that the beginning must be perfect. We must grab hold of our readers in the first five words, sentences, paragraphs, pages... etc. Of all the revisions I have done over the years, the beginnings of each and every piece seem to get the most attention... and it isn't always to the betterment of the story.

This beginning did not have the same voice as the rest of the story. The sentence structure and flow of the first two paragraphs were completely different. Sometimes, when we try to revise that beginning and perfect it, we lose our voice to expectations. We expect ourselves to write the ideal start, the wittiest sentences, the greatest descriptions, and in the end while we try to fulfill these expectations, our real voice, what really sets the story off from anything else anyone else has ever written, is lost.

Go back to your original beginning. (And if you haven't saved it, let this be a lesson to you - save everything.) Though it might be a bit rough, I can almost guarantee that your original reads smoother than the first two paragraphs of this version. To understand, read out loud both versions as if from the point of view of the reader, with no expectations and with no knowledge whatsoever of what is to come.

One thing we must do as writers is let go of expectations. Forget what someone else might think should be in the story. Let go of what you think should be in the story. That is a terrible word, “Should.” The point is to simply write, as you, unadulterated and unburdened by expectations.

As for what I would do differently, that more centers upon personal preferences rather than how to better this piece. As a writer I tend to keep my distance from certain tenses as they are difficult for me to both read and write long term. I mainly work with past tense – it opens many doors for stronger descriptions, which is what I’m sort of known for here. That, however, does not mean that you must change your tense in order for me or anyone else to like this. I already like it and everyone else is entitled to their own individual opinions, educated or not.

As I said before, you show a great amount of maturity and intelligence in your writing. I also think you have a great deal of talent and I look forward to reading your work as you progress and learn as a writer.

Well done, Jinx. You have quite the plethora of information here, especially for your age. Not meant as derogatory, I've seen several young writers here who seem to only focus on things their age and younger. This is a very welcome breath of fresh air.

The beginning was a bit rough, but in my experience, beginnings usually are. You have wonderful way with words and your descriptions of the coworkers were very well done, short but very visual. That takes both talent and experience. You seem to show a great deal of both.

Your writing is very mature. I might have done several things differently, starting with the tense. But that is me. (Present tense is great for shorter 1st person works, but becomes difficult for longer pieces.) Otherwise and again, well done. I greatly look forward to reading more of your work. :D

I'm a first dan blackbelt in TaeKwon-Do, ITF style, not WTF. I studied and taught for a little over six years. I haven't been a part of it for about two years now, not since a burn out while working with a ten-year-old as she was studying for her blackbelt. I still love it and someday hope to continue to learn and grow as a martial artis, but for now, life is pretty full and there isn't much room left for TKD. :)

That is quite a list of interests yourself, JinxEdiit. I think that not only are writers born to look into themselves and explore who they are, but are also gifted so that they might take those aspects of their life and put them into their work. I imagine that quite a bit of your work is inspired by your other interests, yes?

I've always had a support group of sorts when it came to my family. My husband, while we were still dating, actually requested that I put together some of my work for him to read. So, my answer is no, I've never really felt that way before, not to your extent at least. But I think I understand it in a way.

I think it is easier to offer our work to someone we've never met and more difficult with someone close to us because we fear open rejection. Here, if someone rejects our work, there are a thousand and one reasons. We never have to see the person again, we can vote their comments down until they disappear, we can in essence forget what was said or take it and improve from it. Face to face rejection is far harder to bear. You fear giving it to him because you fear he will not like it and then what do you do... you love him, he loves you, but he doesn't love what you do... quite the dilemma.

My question is has he asked to read your work? If not, then either you have not told him you are a writer or he doesn't seem to take much interest in it. If this is the case, tell him about it. Describe the feeling you get when you come up with a great new idea that screams to be put down on the page. Talk about that part of your life with him. If he still doesn't ask to see something, then take a deep breath and repeat after me..."Would you like to read something I've written?"

If he already knows about it and has even asked to read it, then find the best piece you have, take it as it is and don't try to revise it first, and hand it to him. Tell him that you have no expectations of a review, though his feedback is always welcome. No expectations. That is how you get past that fear, my dear. Keep in mind, that though his feedback is important, what is more important is that a) he loves you regardless, and b) you keep writing no matter what.

Thank you so much, WWB. :D

Hmm... Not sure where he might not speak correctly. Some of his sentences I did keep short. Let me know where it reads wrong and I'll fix it in the revisions. Thanks!

Um, I haven't mentioned this before because it doesn't matter all the much to me, but I was supposed to receive a check in the mail back in June and haven't seen anything. Is there something I need to do?

Your best chapter by far on this site. I greatly enjoyed your descriptions of Cassandra. Keep it coming, Dkk. Again, well done. :D

Well done. Improvement shines through each additional chapter you add. :D

Intriguing... Felt a bit stilted, but then that could have been intentional as the character's personality fit the pacing. Looking forward to seeing where you take this one. :D

A few more Renni chapters have been added. Enjoy!

:D

Yeah, this one reads a little rough. What was the word Aggeloi used in an earlier comments thread? Convoluted?

Glad at least the A-Ha light went on though. I would be really worried if it hadn't. :D

Thanks, Dkk. I was hoping to tie in some loose ends before going into the next stage of Renni's story.

Glad you caught it. :) So far this would work as a 1st person narritive if you wanted. But I have a feeling you intend to bring other characters' Pov into the story?

Tsk tsk... such language. :P

The next Renaissance chapter has been published. More to come tomorrow. :D

Great change in direction. This opens up several avenues for the story and makes the reader long for more. There were some tense issues in the beginning and a few more word usage issues (threw vs through). However, you did really well in the last two paragraphs. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.

I know you don't outline your work (from previous discussions). However, now is the time to perhaps write down main events you want to happen in this piece. Nothing elaborate, just something to a) remind you where you want to go and b) give you something to look forward to in writing. I only suggest this now because you mentioned that you had gotten burnt out on Burners. I would hate for you to get burnt out on this one. One of the ways I avoid burnout is to simply list main events that need to happen. (Did so for Renni's story and it is now helping tremendously.) I hope this helps. :D

Not bad, Dkk. Another great set of descriptions and not nearly so many mistakes in this 3rd installment. There was one moment in the last paragraph that did seem as if another 3rd person/1st person mixup. Again, well done. I look forward to reading more. :)

*blushes bright pink*

Thanks! :D

This one was a bit more rough. Quite a few mistakes in word usage halted the flow of the read. On a good note, your descriptions of the wickedness were well done, bar a few mistakes. You're showing definite improvement. Well done.

I know, I did the "laid" thing again in the above comment. Argh... Aggeloi I don't think I'll ever get the hang of that one. :)

:D

I think I've only had one reoccuring dream that has sparked enough to write a story about. Haven't dove into it yet but it is on the list. Most of my dreams are way to weird to ever make any sense let alone get onto paper. :)

As always, WWB, brilliant! I think you allowed just enough in this initial chapter, not too much and not too little. The vagueness actually grabs hold of the reader and makes them desire more. Speaking of which... Please tell me you're going to continue this one. Wow and well done!

Nice beginning, Dkk. The POV change might have affected (or effected, I never know) two sentences in that same paragraph. You probably already know which ones. :)

As for my usual nitpicks, you did well this time with grammar and such. Not leaving me much to catch these days.

I look forward to seeing where you go with this. (Giving up on Burners so soon?) Well done.

I'm so glad you liked it. One of the greatest tools we have as writers is our own life experiences. While I've never laid under the weight of an avalanche with my faithful companion near me, I do have a small fear of suffocation and a great love of dogs. It is gratifying to know that even so simple of experiences can translate so well. Thank you.

Lol... Thanks, Dkk. :) I'm glad the scene worked out so well.

Thanks, WWB! I've never experienced it myself and I wonder if the haze of light thing works with moonlight like it does with sunlight. I know the moon was bright enough to reflect off the snow and allow Renni enough to see and fight the bear. But I wonder if it would penetrate under the snow. Hm...

On a side note, I'm glad your friend was rescued. Equally glad he was rescued by humans. :D

Thanks, Dkk! I don't think I could bear killing good ol' George off. Like Renni, however, he will change a bit after this. But I have the firm belief that all major characters should change and grow throughout a story, one way or another.

Surreal is good, right?

When it is ready to be read, I will be more than happy to have you look over it. And when it is published, I am certain I can send a signed copy to you. :D

As for white lightning, if you notice, the titles are kind of telling a story of their own, depicting first the end of a day and then the growing of a storm. When I first planned what I wanted to write for this chapter, I originally had more about the battles for the three ships and since the Mongerers use white light weapons, I thought the white lightning would fit really well as a title. But I decided less is more in this case and cut out the battles. The "news reports" are more narrative while Renni's part of the story is more action/descriptive. Didn't want to get the two mixed up and ruin the feel of the thing.

On a side note, when I go to revise this story, I will probably eliminate the titles all together, perhaps keeping the dates and times. Not sure, but I have plenty of time to decide. :D

Thanks, Dkk. I try to make them not only progress the overall world story, but to also tie in with what is going on with Renni. For future reference, ones that don't reference Renni at all will eventually down the line. :D

Nah... But there is a purpose to all she endures, especially with her legs. I try to always have a reason to be cruel to my characters. Otherwise it becomes gratuitous. :)

Lol... Sick indeed.

Next Renaissance chapter is up. Probably won't have another until Wednesday. Hope you all enjoy and remember, comments are most welcome. :D

All my characters don't seem to like me very much. I have to tread lightly in my "own little world." Last time I visited, my characters became a lynch mob that tried to do me in. I guess they don't like all the things I put them through... :D If you think Renni has it bad, you should see what the main character of my nearly-finished novel has to go through. Ooof. :D

Yes, Hurray for George! Gotta love that hound. :)

I might have to bring back the bear, though as the story progresses I intend to explain a bit about how the bear came to be in the first place. I would definately love to write Renni taking a second whack at it though. Hm....

More on its way. :D

Glad I covered the verisimilitude. :D Thanks so much!

Lol... I couldn't let go of poor George just yet. He is one of my favorite characters after all. :)

No worries. Never saw it as a criticism. Life has a way of interupting the writer spirit. I'm glad to be back and equally glad I was able to bring you right back into the story after my absence. :) (Btw, when are you going to post another Magehunter?)

Thank you so much for your praise!

Yay! Old? Senile? You? Nah... ?

Teehee... Glad you like them, WWB. :D

Hurray for Doxies!

Glad you liked this one. I wanted to tie both the global and the Renni chapters together a bit.