Life was well then thinking back on "the good days" the golden age of my existence, that person seems so detached to who i am today. I am homeless and the ripe age of 38,I smell like burnt cigarettes, bad odor. my hair is brown and my beard it itch’s would have once considered myself a attractive man, Now am as wanted as an dirt, which is free and everywhere. I’ve heard people say your body is a temple,then my religion endorses acholism and smoking.it once was not this way,I had a 2 bedroom apartment,to myself were i plesured myself with random women, and greasy foods,And classic films and music, i considered myself a intellectual,read more books then mos,t rounded myself with fine american writers,and peots and geniusis of our time. I became side tracked after a while of this all had lost its pleasure and i became intrested in more,felt holes in which to fill.That was when i met her,I knew id met here that night i felt it as i walked to the bar that nightI get to my place, taking a crooked left Into the casual jammed parking lot,Start walking to my place and relize I Don't really want to go up and fall asleep alone in mind,and the world like everyday.I feel antsy,spark to a long tunnel of darkness,lit up a cigrette and start walking down the street,i know ill just finish the cigrette and go inside defeated,but i dont care, i think about every person i meet,and if they have any reason,If i have any reason,Everyone i meet thinks something of themselfs and of you and i hate it, they always ask me "What do you do" Like by the means of how i earn money defines me as a person.THey always reconize me through someone else they never know me,"your in that one band,look like that one guy"I wonder who these other people are who look like me,are they as pompus and bitter and ungrateful as i am,probley,probley more if anything there probley fake's, a bunch a son a bitchs.
kind of people you see snobly laughing it up,at local bars dressed in fine cloths, more money in my wallet.THEy all seem so high spirited and i ask "why" "why god" they act like children ,all imused and alive and real.They are machines i can tell they work in some office job,wonder why in hell are they happy.Digging in their box.broken american dream.I never good enough for women,for others, i guess im fishing in a void empty shell,a reflection of trying, and others views,all fail and failing.all means and sourcesto help fufill, i find vacant.by now im tired and sick,sick of being awake,then asleep,a cycle in life i wished i could break.tired I go out surrounded by people and friends and i sit there and drink and feel all by myself and like im in the circle they all hunt circling me though i am still so they never strike.im done fighting with myself,thinking about others.BY this time im a couple of blocks away,i turn around with the wind blowing against me ,shuffling my hair and cloths.I laugh maybe it this way your whole life fighting against forces of which i cannot control.whatever.
,she is here, but where.I am aimlessy searching, until i see her face,like grabbing a live wire i am stuck speachless,damit i go and order a shot from the bar "you coward" i say to myself.I take the shot and walk over."hello" i say and she looks at me and replies though i do not here her words.maybe first impression are important,thats why im always looking horrible.She must have know i was a fool, a nieve fool.When it came to actual love and relationships,im a fish out of its water,sufficating in a world of not my own.I try to pretend,you can pretend a lifetime and not even know it.She is kind, and treats me genorous,I cant tell if she acting or if its real,I walk her home talking about nothing in the general kind of conversation.she gets to the door and says "bye" and closes the door before i respond,well,at least i got her number,i call her next weekend.return to my apartment and sit down in the chair and take a long sigh,**** hell i think,maybe i should go out and be wild,drink for days,take mind altering drugs,let all prescribed idea's wash out of my brain into the streets and down the drain and back to all of them which have created theses idea's anyway,for me and ones like me,to inflict and obstruct to our true design.I think this is the chance i had, I chose the wrong road,this is where i am in only 8 years Id lost all my pocession's,my hope,my self. I walk down the same streets feeling high on lifes fills,now Its the most damn depressing feeling ever.Lights ight up all over this town and the heater's crank,tv flashes it primary colors of mind draining emusment.the whole damn city reeks of greasy, food I feel lustful drooling under my tongue,taking deep breaths in hopes it will satisfy.
THe next week at war,i mean work.is dragging like a ball and chain on me and if i had any higher sense of self it probley would have been a sign.i thinking about her and her smell and what she thinks or may think,are her friends cool,is she smart or stupid,all week i obsess about the only detail of which to obssess about .My life is meaningless without another,even if i wqs beutiful or smart id still feel helpless.to alter the view of which i have emulated,these damn movies they can ruin you.as this all goes on thousands of girls walk bye girls with skirts with short skirts and long,small breasts and big ones.tight pants and baggy.variety in colors.Being clouded with smells and aroma's and i feel dizzy i think of soft skin and feeling of being close.