Dear Chase
I was looking at your new pictures a minute ago and many of them are really good. I could see a hundred stories in each one. I want to know what you have been experiencing all this time! What do these things mean to you? What do you see when you look at Texas? Is it vast or varied? What are the people like? Are they like the land they live in? Do they act like dessert dwellers? I am so happy that you are able to see the things you are seeing. I see love and desire in all of it. I hope you aren't letting desire consume love though. I fear from reading your writing that you are looking too hard for something you want. I don't want you to fear unknown ends. Confusion and the unknown exist in our most primary reality and this is true reality. Youare strong for seeking out your dharma (path). Many would accept the man made secondary reality which was laid out before them. I send you love and confidence in your journey whenever I think of you.
There is much news; shootings, pie eating, lies and revelations. But more on that later, late now. I will try and call you soon.
i haveseen much. dident know what the end may be
i dont know what i am lloking for, nor do i know what i want.. at time's id like just to die and sleep eternally peacefully... at time's i like to live a life forign to me, to waqlk one end to the other.. which may happen... get so angry and confused i want to say **** it..as kerouac said in the finishing of big sur.
when i say death, i mean life, cant have life without death... loved big sur.. even ashly secretly phyched my desire for insanity... after reading that book i do not wish for so.. just want to open the valve.[mind]. i when recieving money or job will mail you your b-day /christmas present.. i think i amy come home after my birthday.. could have left this week, but for some reason when i thought of returning home i cried. really didi not know why... a thought like wall of alone seemed to linger thou could not tell if it was a flasefaction, or the past reality returning to it.... at time's being a;lone[which i never am any more] sound blissful, on the other end it sound's as the nouse. i call you soon as well
wierd how you mention the photo's having many word's.. that's how i actually planed to write the rest of Vhe, out. i was going to use photo's and my memory. right now, i live in a modest, house with a women and her mother.. I wrote down one of my dream's during the road's, consatn moving, diffrent scenery. about the red haired teen, like the one in the nija turtle's movie. which look's just like her couisn, i tolld her this she told me she had dream's about me being willi wonka... she told her mother i am dating willi wonka. about love, it all a sad affair reaching alll over this sad earth... i feel love in the land, and the situation's and in people's heart... The end is not unknown to me, i say "i don't want your kiss's no more", and it over.. texas. something i had completely not expected... land of openess , the people at least in austin,,, strange weird livid spirit's.. a place that the drum beat's liberation. freedom. still sense it in the air... i loved austin, tx. a statment i thought i would never say..i have come atlast to the home of my forefather's. before we left germany probley due to dictaoror reason's. Ohio is a place of doom, the slightest action of demonstration of freewill, ofnot being condemnd by law's. of to the cage of steel,concrete.. it is a place of dead families , dead spirit's.. the land scream's hatred and racism. while the land of the ssouth say's kindness, openness..
maybe like me in my recent think,ing like looking back on a memory it unfolding into the past, the moment. thought wow maybe then , and still.. am in love with loathing.. loathing can bring a certain high and passion that equal falling madly in love. maybe she feel's uncomplete with outr a choatic, mad women a round.. or blank.... i dont really understand it either maybe she is infatuiated with the choas and drama that come's with someone like that.. beside's all this.. how is home, me.... i was driving throu ketucky a sign erected on the left, saying hell is real. i laughed hardly thought yes i have stood in court room's been judged
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: when everyone else says no.. (columbia999@myspace.com)
To: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
Date: Nov 22, 2009 3:41 AM
Subject: RE: i know
It was a mystery to me why Michelle continued to adore Claire after her numerous & insolent trespasses. It didn’t seem at all reasonable or even sane to either me or her close friends that she would continue to fawn over that thieving ****. Not only would Claire steal hefty sums and valuables from her almost monthly, but she had once beaten Michelle in a rage and blamed the damage on a hit-and-run! To many of us who knew her, these acts seemed unforgivable. Why, we thought, would she not only forgive Claire these trespasses, but admire & even obsess over her despite them? Perhaps she was the victim of an unfortunate childhood; although she had never divulged any such information. Could she be a lesbian? It was quite possible, although it did not explain why she withstood Claire’s cruelty.
One night as I listlessly surfed the net, I came upon a new posting which Michelle had put up of pictures from a camping trip which she & Claire had gone on the previous month. They were at a rocky beach enjoying the sun with some friends. Claire’s perfect form graced almost every photo; her short blonde hair, tousled and matching her large sunglasses, gave her a look reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe. She would arch her neck to the sun or look over her shoulder at the camera. A devil in disguise. Michelle contrasted almost violently with her in these photographs; she smiled awkwardly behind her arching nose, or hung frumpily from Claire’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
Then it occurred to me, Claire was her muse! Michelle was aspiring to become a writer & what more brilliant a character than the lascivious & controversial Claire? This theory intrigued me. Could it be that Michelle was letting herself be trampled by Claire in order to write about a character so beautiful & insidious she could only be real? What genius! What better way to imbue one’s self with the essence of a character than to interact with the living version of it! What emotions she would then be able to write about as well: drug induced desperation, betrayal, physical suffering and deceit as well as faith, compassion, patience, and even love. She endured all these emotions as Claire’s best friend, or as it seemed to me, her accessory for the sake of art. She gave up her life for it.
Is this then true passion, I asked myself; that one give up the drive for happiness or pleasure in order to further one's craft? I looked at many different avenues before reaching the conclusion that happiness is a fringe benefit to what they call "the Dao." The social rat gives up family(or its equal) in pursuit of cash just as the artist gives up money in pursuit of a higher reality. The good and the bad are relative as most things in this world are.
The Hopi (a Native American tribe who lived in the American SW) have only two "commandments" in their philosophy: 1) Don't hurt one another and 2) try and understand one another. I think this encompasses the entire scope of human interaction in a good, few words.
to be continued...
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
To: when everyone else says no.. (columbia999@myspace.com)
Date: Nov 7, 2009 12:39 PM
Subject: RE: i know
aUGH WHAT I ALWAYS KNOW HOW EXPECTED AND INTIMATLY CLOSE, BE BY THY SELF... I AM HAPPY AND SAD FOR YOU, thats true... you must know.. i am in arizona now travled throu california and oregon.. still half the country left... i dont know what i am doing sometimes where to stop or to continue... miss the wood's of home, dream spending a summer ontop of those mountian's... how does one ultimatly escape this world of which we live. trying to finish your birthday present's one has be finished read and one made, then i ll ship them off.
Chase,
I hesitate to apologize, but I really am sorry I haven't written you back in a while. I have been busy trying to keep away from people. I find myself better without them. This seemingly a negative or depressing thought, I hesitate. But in all the realities I have withstood, I find it the one constant. You once asked me to inform you if I ever found a way to deal with the dualities of life. I believe I have it: be with yourself. Obsession exists not in solitude, nor doth shame or self pity. If one has no ruler to measure himself by, then nothing gives pride, nor disappoints. In solitude as in sleep the bastions of self-preservation wane. One looses all pride, all reflection. Reality becomes a theater of introspection which knoweth no outward judgment. One exists and reacts to what is in nature, which is itself a thing supreme to man; learned, resilient, balanced. In one's reaction to nature, what one sees, feels, remembers; one sees one's self. As in dream, it is a pure reflection; untainted by self expectation or outward judgment.
I am listening to "Blue Highways" by William Least-Heat Moon. It is a recollection of a great American adventure taken by a man who lost the meaning of duality. He took the back roads, the "blue highways" in order to find dualities; in order to escape man-made balance, compromise. I sought people and history and everything those two things entailed.
It is a perplexing thing to think about what this world has kept me from and what this world has made me. I wrote long ago a sympathetic ode to a sheep that had fallen into a river and was tossed and turned by the waves. I felt myself as a victim of a world which I was but a reactionary to; which I had no control over. Today, although no longer as guileless as a sheep, I feel the draw of energy yet and am thus tossed, as before, in a sea of unsympathetic energy.
I feel no kindred energy. I wish only to be alone. I'm sorry, I'm so **** emo. Try again tomorrow. Maybe I will feel more synergetic. I am jealous of your ups and downs. I'm happy you are living. Be happy and sad for me. Be so happy. Be so sad.
"Let us never say goodbye.. your going to see another tommorow, i promise you" -hunt's famous wolf
there was a 35 year man named chris whom kept getting left out but i was alway's trying to nice kind to. evryone thought he was weird which he was.. begin in my view and angle giving him secretive therapy lesson's were i focues all the eye's on him.. after ward he even' said thank you. that he was g;ad we had this conversation.. he said alog the line's "my life is a joke" i said " if life is such a joke why not try laughing at it".. went into a shaded history and his upright molester catholic father back ground.. told him to abndon his father's view's and upbringing.. much expressed truthfullness and openness. but faulted in fantasy and illsion.. said he thought everyone did not like him there i said think therfore you are.. after a few of these i was escaping AND DISAPPEARING ALOT. but after seing him after a few week's he found a girlfriend his age like i told him, screw girl's your own age}}concept many older men seem to have trouble with. at least was smiling... as well with ashly from ohio who lays down high on blood sugar sleepin. all these people reassure that i am not that bad off, that is anything my diffrence only make's me more normal in this world.. she has oly had to say nut's as parent's, phyco's as bf no true fried's or love. which make's me sad.
"Live out your dream;s
dont dream your life away".but she is very intellegent and mature rember's all her dream's i good detail and word much like you..maybe i am on this earth to help other's in diffrent way's if gave me eough time i could cure the world.. understanding come's in with your own experience and relization's. i am clingy, maybe as she said being alone at time's is better, dont have to deal with all the by way''s and highway's... other's i learn from do ot need to help but to enjoy eachother's company... amazing the diffret vibe's and atmoshere's of this place and lake. lake open warm freindly..postive.. here negitive, phyco's incompetent's. 14 more day's and i am throu.. but such a short time but so much i come to understanding's like trowing a rock in a stil lake below's the titted mountain's sayi that's what everythoguht it is... it still remaining true here... we are all connected, all one and the same.. she called me dillisional,, which went to the dictionary one phrase seem's to ring true.. beliving in something contary to normal thought {
time flows backward}she saidshe meant it as a postive which i accepted even the dream realm ring's true here... had a jelous dream about her first few ight's durin our last party at lake it cameslightly but realy true... every guy kept grabing her to dance trying to hook up. but she kept coming back i said i wanna go, but we stayed awhile longer... nikia the back girl whom i think awesome... said it strait to both of us. all ws settled and differed.. she said "chase is the best one here" one night i bein actaully sober she said the word's of mardou "
the HumAN heart cannot be broken
-henery miller
the peace of the heart is postive and invincble. demanding no condition or requiring no protection it just is..i am okay now, you can go" which shocked me she said to go out and get winoish and return.. i said no, but instead to be cleaver i did she horrible tried to barrcade the door... tryied say she dident kow my name on returning.. she said ope your just some random drunk guy who keep's sleeping in my bed...her weapon word list being now as of today drug aDDICT , serial killer...
Life moves on wether we act as coward or hero's
- henery miller
its all odd thought funny.. your were in my dream's yesterday an uusual converstaion thet we were having on a phone in the same room which i dont rember the full detail's.. wierd dream about tina being her and ashly was drew barrymore.. and a fire was on the other side of the hilll someone was saying to me i dont know whwere tina is but she aint goig back to Nevada. her roomate a nerdy guy teelin me not to use the internet.. while i was trying to pack all her stuff so i diet get caught in the fire... so many dream's... you and my grandma were in my car and i was hauilin as then went sliding on marble and ito the front of the stor... inside people were yellin at me so i reversed out.. and took off. my grandma was saying you sure are halin ****... me and sawn right were robbing a bank i was the getaway driver... wierd dream you were in we were in a van and we drivi throu hot falt land we stoped and was nappig on the rug carpeting the children were all hopin over top of me a dog was hestating i was sayin go go.. then we were in aroom and it was morning time you were sittin in your underwear on a chair remarking it was wierd how it could be hot alll day, i the house still stayed warm all night then in an instsnt you were clothed and leavig i was sayin goodbye.. then i relized wait a moment i am in wyoming.. a dream froom home i never told you about. which i would like you to keep tp yourself.. we were having a conversation on the blue esteemed couch. i wnated to kiss you thou leaninhg forward you kept switchinh from girl to boy, but i still kept leaning and it dident bother me. but confused me in the mornin.. it is snowing here much and going to be negative 10 by saturday brrr... i may go to california o my way home and see lucy i the sky with dinmond's.. lovind acid test neal cassady is in it... he's the driver of the bus... your either on the bus or off the bus.. been wierdly telpathic with thing;s and people, ,, and even books thinking about certain off idea's. then few page's later it happening weird... another dream my cousin wife was seducing me, then we were in a garage my cousin wanted to kill me grab a knife he ept sayin, grab a knife... was going to ask you personal how to deal with question's but i forget what i wanted to know... amazing to look at someone or other's and i say to myself how much we all can endure...
faith has nothing to do with the profit's, if anything it has to do with the prohet's. men who belive can forsee the future. the world isent kept running on a paying propostion, god dident make a cent on the deal.. the world is kept running by few men in every generation who belive in it utterly, and underwrite it in their life's.
-henery miller
There is no need to apologize to me. Alcohol is a vehicle you drive screaming the truth, but the truth you may not see is the telephone pole you eventually hit... if that makes any sort of sense. Alcohol is an excus
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
To: when everyone else says no.. (columbia999@myspace.com)
Date: Sep 26, 2009 7:42 PM
Subject: FW: i know
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
To: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
Date: Sep 8, 2009 10:37 PM
Subject: RE: i know
SI,SI.
WHEN I READ YOUR LETTER i dident tell you something weird.. as well boht times i wrote you i was not in sober mind.. for somereason i read word's you dident write as i was trying to go to sleep. certain phrase's and imaginary word's.. i thought arwere preignent, or something other horrible.. felt bad all crazy theroies, stromed my mind.. felt bad for feelin so imaginitive..just reading your letter, as a bad of a job i did. dident get any of what you said, playing everclear with soda pong. begining to understand slowly many of my Issue, for some reasonle i felt horrible guilty, thought thing's such as "you were always there for me" other such...promised myself recently to never lie or withhold feeling's, diffrence's..othere such thing's. just becasue you might upset people.. i have burden myself with myself for long enough... relized i am a happy with myself comfortale ble .with most thing's.. i must say also i hate phone conversation's, i am horrible at phone conversation's, or at times e-mail's.i dont say what i mean to cant express for real. come to relization's.. before i left iknew something was going to happen, i dident know what. you looked me in the eyee's that one day at the beach, said i could hurt you, i dont want to... very honest.. i dient know how to accept it at first, thou i tried to come to term's with it and i have. like my mother, i hurt her but still she loves me,, she hurts me but still..i pionted my self toward the west, read my journal... relized i would, or you, would destroy whatever it is by my slation,heer inaduacy. i hoped to come to a true revelation, but for journey adveturing you need a freind that you can trust, friend to laugh and to go with.. your in my head and i cant help it, dont think about you, your in my dream's, try to think about you all i can feel is energy. no understanding, no conclusion's.... relized i ran away from you, not because i was secretly mad, or other such thing's. i felt i'd go mad take it out on you{my normal way of dealing with thing's}. relize there must be a peace and understanding. might take awhile.. i am very level head. thou i can go to both side's.. lady read me my tarro card's yesterday. scared me to say simply.. i as well was weak to you and would have enslaved and endrudged myself.. dug a hole waited for dirt to fill... it's okay if you dont give me letter 's you attempted to write.. burned a few of them in the beginning.. goota go..
. i wrote a quote qhich maybe will bring some peace
"what is the purpose of tommrow, if we do not relize the importance of today"..
Oh Chase, I am so glad to hear from you!! I didn't think that I would hear from you for a long time. Cried so hard when I talked to your mom; selfish, sorry tears. It's hard not to be sad. Somehow I knew. Had prophetic dreams before you left.
8-13-09) I'm hanging with the boys (Chase, James, Ryan). We are doing something in James's car. They get out & I am alone. Suddenly the car starts going in reverse. I try and scramble to the driver's seat to stop the car, stomping and pulling at the brakes. Finally, I must leap out to avoid being smashed. The car explodes a van at the bottom of the hill. The boys must leave Auburn because the owner of the van wants to kill them. I feel responsible. It is long sad goodbyes, especially Chase because he will go very far away and I may never see him again. Long hugs and kisses.
8-14-09) I dremt of mountains of gold - you could chip the gold straight from the cliffs. (yellow stones)
Funny the wavelegnths upon which we travel. I think that our wires cross...
I am glad to hear that you made it to Idaho and are moving on. Just a pit stop on the way. Idaho is too comfortable.. although it is full of beautiful people and sights. I am so proud of you, that you are pushing yourself in the direction of you dreams! I am almost jealous of you, but I know that my time will come. One cannot be content living a life that hasn't been tested to the limit! Just like you can't be satisfied with a pair of boots until you know they can withstand serious abuse and brutality. Are you still wearing your boots? Have you painted them red?
I'm glad to hear that you are happy and that your experiences have inspired you. That is odd that you met those people from Renton. You're setting a trend! Or perhaps you are reflecting some sort of hidden but popular sentiment; the subterrainien sentiment. Whatever this means, it seems to be something you are attracting. Or not.. I must confess, I've always been horrible at differentiating between signs and coincidences. If you believe in coincidences.. or signs. Anyway, I know that you will see this experience as only you can see it. And I think that is the most important thing. See things for yourself. No longer seeing things as regards other people, or as it impacts them. I still work for my parents, but you are free! FREE, MAN!! YOU'RE FREE!!!!! Ach, perhaps I am a bit jealous.
I was feeling horribly depressed the last few weeks. I was constantly thinking that everything around me was falling apart, that everything was leaving me and that I was to be utterly alone. Sharon is moving out because her and Matt broke up, Matt was threatening to move out as well, my sister is now in Georgia, Jeff is moving to Alabama, Tina stopped calling me back, you left for greener pastures... "Things fall apart; the center cannot hold" (William Butler Yeats; The Second Coming). I have become so entrenched in the world that surrounds me that my will to break free has put me in a paradox. I yearn to slip from the stagnant waters, but the rapids frighten me. I feel empty without all the people I love, and guilty for wanting to leave them... But then I went on that rafting trip with Shane, Justin & Kevin and became completely inspired. (Oh and P.S. you totally missed out on a bad-**** trip man! 100 miles, 4 people, 400 beers!!) Although we were never more than 20mi away from safety, I had this beautiful feeling of surviving! I guess this was accentuated by the fact that Shane didn't really plan it out real well and we kept on running into trouble which we were then forced to fix ourselves. There were holes in the raft, unplanned waterfalls, torn D-clips, cold nights, burnt bathing suits. The only thing that didn't lack was the liquor! The landscape was constantly changing as the miles past, and as it passed I felt the strongest sensation of escape; as if we were going further and further away from everything that I left at home (although in reality, we were getting closer and closer to home).
Before we left, Jeff had gotten quite mad at me for not making more of an effort to see him before I left. He told me things were going to be quite different when I returned. I think he knew what transformations were conspiring in me. I also think that his words almost inspired me to relish in my illusion of dessertion, escape, liberation. We broke up when I returned and both felt lighter and unburdened. We had been lying to each other and to ourselves for much, much too long. The night before the act, I had written on my wall "I am so steeped in lies, that I know longer know the truth." I never want to do that again.
Well Chase, it is late (for my working ****) and I must end this rant. I guess I'll write you what I wrote for you earlier today. I never give you the letters I write. I tried to call you and the operator told me your number had been disconnected and so I wrote you a kind of thank you letter, for having disconnected. So here it is:
Dear Chase,
I know I am sad that I have lost my best friend and inspiration. But this is selfish. You are free now. I need you because I have chained myself to a world I despise, and you help me escape the dregs. You make this world tolerable. You are my television set, my needle. I am sad because now I must get off the couch and quit my job & dissapoint my parents & finally do anything and everything I please. Because now I must truely begin to live for myself. I should be thanking you for leaving me alone, for leaving without a word or address.
by home i mean mother earth
the place in which you are birthed...
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----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
To: when everyone else says no.. (26514123)
Date: Aug 17, 2009 10:05 PM
Subject: RE: i know
Isn't it good to know winter's coming
and life will be a little ,more quiet
and you will be home
writing and eating well and we will be spending pleasent night
wrapped around one another-and you are home now, resting and eating well because you should not become to sad- And i feel better when i know you are well. I am full of strange feeling's, reliving and refashioning many old thing's. My image of you is now strange, i feel a distance from you which you might feel to which give's me a picture of you that is warm and freindly,loving. and because the anxieties we are experiencing but never really speak of really. and are similair to. I am going to sleep to dream
write to me anything
please stay well
your freind and my love
and oh
love for you
-mardou
My mother an angel too- tear's welled up in my eye's something broke, i cracked-I had been sitting for an hour in front of me was butler road and gigantic neon srose ten block's long BETHLEHEM WEST COAST STEEL With stars above and smashby zipper and fragrence of locomotive coal smoke as i sit there and let them pass and far down the line in the night around the south san fransico you can see that sonafbitch red light's waving mars signal's light's swimmming in the dark big red marker's blowing up and down sending fire's into the keen pure lost purity sky's of old california in the sad late night of autmnn spring's come fall winter's summer tall like tree's Something feel loose in me i thoguth-O blood of my soul i thoguht the goos lord or whatever put me here to suffer and groan and on top of that to be guilty and gives me fleash and blood that is so painful-women love, bend's over you- you'd as soon betray a womwen love as you'd spit on your own feet. That sudden short burst of crying in the railyard and for a reason i couldent really fathom. and couldent-saying to myself in the bottom. "you see a vision of the face of the women who is your mother who loves you so much she has supported you and protected yuo for years, you a bum, a drukard, never complain a jot-becasue she knows that in your present state you cant go out into the world and make a living and take care of yourself and ever find and hold the love of another protecting women-and because you are poor stupid leo- deep in the dark pit of night under the stars of the world you are lost,poor,no one care's and now you threw away a little women love because you wanted another drink with a rowdy fiend from the other side of you insanity"
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: when everyone else says no.. (26514123)
To: In Vino Veritas (51416168)
Date: May 1, 2007 11:46 AM
Subject: RE: i know
Submit to the present evil, lest a greater one befall you.
- Phaedrus
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: taste of sweetness
Date: Apr 30, 2007 5:56 PM
phadues is him. kind of a trip i dont even know what to think now..
remind's me of subtarrian's where kerouac was questioning himself on mardou whether the craft of art was more important then her... dont rember the exact line. even myself i think to the merit of whorthness and the trueness of friend's.. upon recieving a question i ask my heart or reach for it but feel a certain blankness, but in the morning like a delivered letter waaited opened.. i seem to know what the unaswerable question... i dont know what michelle see's in claire, freind or character.. sometimes like dean moriaty you can be some one 's friend, thou see them and inbue for the sake of art.. questioned myself much on this as , well as the preception, of the everything like jame'sm for example... at times i loved james at time didmiss jame's saintly face and poetic beard,,,
bad: he can be beyond me sometime;s, like a child , purly selfish...
even now me in my current situation: dating a masochist red head , sex addict.. who can be sweet then phyco.. why do self's throw themself's in these situation's.. i am unsure.dident know what to think..
maybe as i said recently when asked
Q; why did you come here, with me?
a:the experience good or bad..
maybe like me in my recent think,ing like looking back on a memory it unfolding into the past, the moment. thought wow maybe then , and still.. am in love with loathing.. loathing can bring a certain high and passion that equal falling madly in love. maybe she feel's uncomplete with outr a choatic, mad women a round.. or blank.... i dont really understand it either maybe she is infatuiated with the choas and drama that come's with someone like that.. beside's all this.. how is home, me.... i was driving throu ketucky a sign erected on the left, saying hell is real. i laughed hardly thought yes i have stood in court room's been judged
'in vino veritas my dear' statistics: (click to read)
