"Abner, could you get the firewood."
"Sure, Mildred Yoder."
Abner and Mildred lived on a farm where they lived a completely anti-social life. They spent most of their time praying for their wayward son, Jehoshophat, who dealt crystal meth from the family's milk farm.
" Did you get the milk from the cows?'
"Did the chicken lay the eggs?"
" Well, Becky Sue and Anna are making a snowman. I think we have time to pray for Jehosophat. "
The Amish couple knelt on the quilted bed, and bent over in earnest prayer. " Oh, Lord, forgive our sinner son. He's been dealing crystal meth, and everybody in this town's teeth are falling out. If everybody in this town's teeth fall out, who is going to buy our produce?'
Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashed across the dark, winter night in Pennsylvania. Rain and snow began to pelt down on the farmstead, Abner and Mildred rose from their bedside.
'I might as well shovel that snow."
" You do that, lover. In the meantime, give me a handshake."
Abner gave Mildred a handshake, the only affection they usually displayed for one another. They were concerned about their son, Jehosophat. They had found a Sports illustrated swimsuit issue in his room, and they were concerned he might be thinking about sex. He was only 24, too young to be thinking about dating.
Jehoshophat wandered in from the rain, hail and snow, carrying a dead chicken. " Ma, Pa, Henry just bit the dust."
"Jehoophat, we were just praying for you. Have you come to see the light yet?'
" Well, I just drank some Miller lights, if that's what you mean."
"Oh, you wayward child! We're going to have to get out the spanking machine."
" Not the spanking machine. My butt is still sore from the last time you used that."
" Jehoshophat, if you use the word butt in this household one more time, I am going to lock you in the henhouse and put water and food under the door, and not let you come and go as you please until the rapture occurs and I pray you'll be joining us in the heavens above, not with all the sinners you congregate with at Denny's."
End of chapter one,