Seconds moved by slowly each tick a reminder of their passing, each tock a reminder of them gone forever from my grasp. As I listen to the tick and the tock as they morph into that steady cold voice of the thing that was more demon then man. One to remember, one to remember, one to remember, with each second it repeats over and over smashing against the frail barrier that I keep my heart and mind hidden behind. Remember how can I remember when I have spent so much of my life trying to forget?

            My gaze shifts about the room living room, running over the blank walls you can still see the faded marks on the paint where picture frames had once hung, the sparse furniture, it was as if only the essential were kept to keep the façade that this was house and not a tomb. Finally my eyes rested upon the picture the preacher had spent so much time studying.

            It was Elizabeth at the lake house one summer long ago the warm summer air had lifted her hair blowing it about her face. Oh and that smile that contagious smile that seemed to make the world always sunny and bright. I could remember…no I wouldn’t remember.

            I just needed my pills that was what this was truly about. Another game that my mind was playing with me it wasn’t the first time something like this had happen since they left. The mind was playing a game to remind me of something and the mind would win luckily I didn’t have to play I could cheat with pills. Paxil they called it, pack in all the new happy thoughts and exile all the old dark and depressing ones. They would help me forget let this all fade away once more. I needed to forget I couldn’t remember why I need to forget everything but I knew I needed to forget.

I lifted myself from the chair; muscle straining to stay seated something trying to draw me, to make me stay and wait until something came to light. I pushed past the feeling, past the tensing of my arms. I needed the pills I had forgotten them and that was it.

I made my way down the long hallway towards my bedroom. The white stark walls were comforting they were newly painted. They were part of the new life, a life with no regret. A life like these walls that was clean and white. I stopped as a faint trickle of sound played gently against my ears. It was the sound of dolls dancing, of invisible tea being poured, and of butterfly kiss. My feet turned reluctantly to the closed door on my left. The sound of giggles squeezed its way through the cracks of the closed door like whisper from the grave. It had been the twin’s room.

 Shaking fingers rested on the stark white door, I swear I could feel the pulsing of youth and life behind it. My mind screamed Pills, Pills, Pills yet something made me stay. Slowly my fingers slid down the door to grasp the handle sweat pouring down my arm as I turned the door and pushed it open.

For a moment I thought I glimpsed the pink doll lined walls. Their beds on opposite side of the rooms covered in there favorite stuffed animals But the vision quickly faded to be replaced by the lifeless room of boxes. The only remind of the twin’s room was the pink walls that I would soon need to paint. Dust drifted across the room carried on invisible currents and for a moment I watched it dance. Watched it twirl and glitter softly in the sunlight until it floated gently to rest on one of the boxes.

Boxes of memories, of hopes, of dreams, they were full of old things. Things from before this heavy cloud of confusion and pain had rested on my soul. They were from a clear time when I didn’t need pills. Each was labeled with what was inside dolls, clothing, jewelry, daddy no, toys, tea sets.

Wait what did that box say. Daddy No, I read it again blinking just to see if it would fade like the other images did. No it stayed the faded letters written in black pen. I began to see others also Please, please stop, no, please daddy. Hands rose to hold my head as tears began to fall and shatter against the dusty floor. What the hell was going on?

That’s when the memory shattered through the pills' wall of confusion. One memory alone I stood once more in the girls’ room. Everything was how it once had been. Dolls lining the walls, a tiny table set for a teddy bear picnic in the middle of the room and there were the girls, not sleeping silently though. They shudder blankets held tight against their tiny bodies. Their eyes were filled with pain, confusion, and fear.

My gaze naturally followed theirs to see what horror, what terror would scary my little babies. Next to me stood that damn monster from before. I could feel the heat and lust on his breath rising. He was a wolf in the clothing of a sheep that damn preacher was here. Here for my little girls he moved towards them full of lust and hunger for there flesh.

“Noooo!” I screamed my voice echoing of the walls of the empty room stirring the dust in the air. There were no labels like those I had seen moments ago. No dark preacher to haunt me nothing but a room full of old junk and dust.

I needed my pills that was it, all this would stop once I had them. I turned slamming the door behind me. I would paint that room tomorrow maybe a nice blue color something to hide that pink, to take away that last annoying memory.

That damn clock started up again matching every footstep, as I grew closer to my room closer to my medicated sanctuary. One to remember, to remember, one to remember it ticked and tocked behind me as I entered my room only steps away now from my pills.

            It was my room all reminders of the women who had once shared it with me were gone. Packed away in boxes, the walls were stark white just like the hallway. All that was left in the room was one dresser and the bed. Everything else was easy to get rid of but the bed. I needed that bed. Across the room was bathroom and in the bathroom was what I truely neeeded to live.

I moved towards the door yet I was stopped again. Not by a sound or something I might have see but by a smell. Jasmine and fresh baked cookies It was Elizabeth's smell. I closed my eyes taking in the sweet smell of her. I could taste her now upon my lips. God I missed her, God I wanted her back. Why the hell had God taken her from me?

The smell began to change though to urine, blood, lust and fear. I could taste hate and pain on my lips. He was here again I couldn’t see him but I knew that vile preacher was here. His voice whispered from the creaks of the house.

“She was running from you. That why she died.”

“Shut Up! Shut The **** Up! You know nothing. Nothing.” I screamed.

I had had enough of this. Enough of my minds sick games. I made my way to the bathroom and the medicine cabinet blocking everything else out, all the voices, all the feelings. I just need my damn pills and that was that.

I unscrewed the top of the prescription bottle and took four out and placed them in my mouth. Turning on the faucet, I cupped my hands to drink. I took along cold drink from the faucet water. Letting the pills and all today’s confusion slide down my throat. It was done now, I’m sure it was done now.

I sighed in relief as I lifted my head to the mirror. Dark eyes stared back at me from my own face. Eyes that were my own yet I had forgotten so long ago what those eyes looked like. They were the eyes of the preacher, my own eyes.

“Remember” The words echoed from my own lips.