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Discussion of "Carlos on the Boulevard" by Doveman

1 leftleftright 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

Great direction with the story! You nailed Carlos perfectly!

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2 Doveman 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

Thanks, though now I see all sorts of mistakes. Perhaps I should have waited a bit before publishing.
My Carlos version was just a shot in the dark. For some reason or another I was really focused on that sedan pulling up at the end of your chapter and what might happen with Carlos, and I kept getting a clear image of some dude in jeans and cowboy boots. I might do another chapter, but first I got to finish up an original story to post.

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1 ShadowMan 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

Well written with only some minor technical errors. Plotwise, I am curious about the body and would have liked some more detail. There was no mention of a wound (or wounds) and the only bodily fluids described was some blood on a handkerchief. This would not produce the described pervasive odor; of course, there's also the possibility of a another body hacked up in the bath tub or something... ;) I gave it a 4

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1 Doveman 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

Thanks for the vote and comment. Regarding the smell; I have read that sometimes at death, the body will release anything stored in its bowels. Reading over my chapter again I realize that I did not clearly identify which smell(the blood or the crap) was stronger, or tell the reader what the 'bathroom" smell was. I wanted a relative polite way to describe this event. In the case of the wound; I felt it was described well enough in the first chapter that another description might be repetitive. Though on further reflection, it might have been prudent to describe it again. This time from Carlos' eye-for-detail point of view.
Thanks again for the comment.

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1 ShadowMan 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

See, that will teach me not to read the first chapter ;) -- the intestinal leakage sometimes associated with a stomach wound would likely be the most evident odor, secondary to any excrement or urine. The slaughterhouse odor is usually only present when there is a considerable amount of external bloodshed (as opposed to internal bleeding). Being gut-shot is a bad way to go, so I think you'd have been within your rights to be a little more graphic without being too ugly; maybe something along the lines of "from the look of Martin's Levis, death had loosed his bowels; the odor clung to the room like a shroud" or some such. Just my 2 cents.

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1 Psycho1_77 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

This was great... loved it, maybe I may give a shot at continuig when I finish with what is currently on my plate... I keep starting drafts and have to come back to them. I gave this a 4 for minor technical mistakes...

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1 honeygloom 8 years, 9 months ago Reply

You're good. I'm glad I checked this out. You have a skill for using such precise detail and still keeping your characters moving. I feel like I can't afford to miss a word or I might miss something important:)

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1 Cynthus 8 years, 8 months ago Reply

Wow! I am interested in this character. You've hooked me.

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