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Discussion of "ColdHearted" by Colorless

1 hebe6405 7 years, 8 months ago Reply

Disclaimer: I'm guessing the age of the writer to be in the early to mid-teens. Please use my comments and suggestions as a direction toward improvement. I do not want to discourage you from continuing to write. There are good elements in this story, the foreshadowing in particular.

Notes made while reading:

Weird... the first paragraph starts really strong, except something weird happened with this sentence:
[Never given the freedom others where given not even aloud out of site to play with others, or aloud to watch threw the clear windows.]
-the sentence is a fragment and a run-on all at the same time... it's missing the subject (most notably).
-where=I know where you went. Need were. (this mistake continues throughout the chapter!!!)
-aloud=I read the passage aloud. Need allowed.
-threw=She threw the ball to Nick. Need through.
-I was never given the same freedoms of other children. I was never allowed out of sight to play with the kids, nor even a sneek of a peek to watch through the windows.
-windows are generally assumed to be clear, so "clear" is unnecessary. To give the intro more mystery or intrigue, you could use a different adj. to describe the windows (frosted, tinted, heavily curtained)

The second paragraph is REALLY hard to understand. The use of "Mudane" reminds me "Muggle" in Harry Potter. Not knowing where the story is going yet... it's hard to make a complete judgement on this. I think further introduction of your character is needed before you start renaming the human race. This paragraph is also completely disconnected from the first paragraph. For a moment, I'd thought the POV had changed rather than only the subject.
[Their pathetic excuses to keep growing and taking over greed conquering it, overpowering it and becoming its king.]
-I can't figure this sentence out in particular. I think it's missing a verb - or something. I was horrible with discecting sentence in English class, and that's what this sentence needs in order to figure out what is missing and how to put it together so that it makes sense. The impassive "it" creates an additional barrier to understanding.

Next section...
[ "Val, did you hear a word I said?" Etta said snapping her fingers at Ette who was apparently trying to sneak past us while she was occupied with me.]
-I did not initially realize the names are Etta and Ette. This is where you should explain that there is a twin situation happening, not in the third sentence.
[They where twins... But Etta, his older sister...]
-"twins" and "his older sister" seems contradictory to me. I've known twins to argue about who was born first and that makes them older... but the rest of the world consider them the same age.
[Since I found out by mistake once.]
-fragment. Adjust the punctuation of the previous sentence or strike "since."

Few paragraphs later...
[She smiled and blew...]
-Wow... the entire paragraph totally lost my interest and attention. Maybe there's a better way to involve these observations into the story, but I have no suggestions. I guess my suggestion would be to read a book (it doesn't even have to be a long one) to get a better feel for how published writers add descriptions of their characters. If you're going for mystery, try reading something by Lois Duncan.

When I started reading the story, I was expecting something more than the release of students from school. There seems to be foreshadowing and so I won't complain for the lack of something exciting happening right away (I'm patient). However, "mudane" in your second paragraph is right. At this point, you don't need exciting events because of the foreshadowing. What you need is a clear build of the setting and the characters.

For characters, I see: Val, Ette, and Etta. (We'll ignore the little sister because she doesn't do anything other than create a setup for the next chapter.) Val is the protagonist and is apparently special somehow and deprived of a normal life. Ette and Etta are twins and Ette plays in a band... Other than weird hair colors, I know nothing else about these characters - I have no reason to care about them. I have no real reason to continue reading either.

For setting, I see a high school hallway with lockers.
Details to add interest:
-What are the school colors
-Where is the school - big city, rural country... are the streets set up as blocks, or just a long road leading to nowhere?
-As they're walking, are they passing homes? businesses? cows?
-Is it a big school? How crowded is it by the lockers?

People will make assumptions using what they have experienced in their lives unless you tell them something different. The more details you provide in the beginning, the less thrown off they will be latter in the story.

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