Discussion of "Chapter 2: Dr. Raidenovich" by Cloud2036
JRosemary 3 years, 8 months ago
You have too much going on in this chapter--yes, the story is good, but I'd like to see you spend more time on it. I'd use this chapter to focus on Olga and Ivan, getting only as far as their first night together. I'd also like more details: how, for example, did Olga know that Ivan was single? Was it the lack of a wedding ring? Was it gossip she overheard from the nurses? If you gave us this information, I missed it.
How did Olga feel about her first night with a man? Was it magical? Was it terrifying? Was it disappointing?
And, once again, this work needs paragraphs. It's too much to read all in one blob. With some revision, however, this can be an excellent story.
hidden comment from JRosemary with score of 2
Cloud2036 3 years, 8 months ago
Thanks for your help. I'd like to point out a few things I could not mention. Firstly I have two copys of this story. One is the preview that I show people or put online; I do not edit this one anymore. And the other is the final that I keep for myself. there are some changes in the final that are not in the preview. for one thing the final is much longer and also I've redone/retold some parts of the story. As for how Olga knew Ivan was single I thought I suggested it enough, but i guess not, when she recalls her aunt telling her to "check their hands" meaning to check for wedding rings. Something you pointed out that I haven't fixed even in my final is a major detail. Olga does not sleep with Ivan while she's with him. I thought that because I didn't mention it ever occuring that it wouldn't come up but now that I think about it, it does need to be stated that they did not sleep together. Thank you for that. and about the paragraphs; I have this story in a word document, so i just copy and paste the chapters into the boxes. when I do that though the box eliminates my line breaks. I thought that that was just how it was supposed to be. it does have breaks in the final and the preview but not here. sorry for that. Final note: I didn't want to make too much of this chapter, it should have been one of those "short" things in life that you learn a lot from.
hidden comment from Cloud2036 with score of 1