Would love to. I'm without net temporarily until around the 7th. If that's not a problem, count me in ^_~

My edit of this draft keeps coming out to a complete rewrite, btw. I set it down for a few days but I'll come to it soon enough and set a final version. *waves to everyone*

100 chapters, xomg...lol. I may have 100 chapters but I'm telling you none of them are more than 3-4 single plotlines. Your dedication is impressive. I read the chapter where the grandpa took his eye out and put it on the table. LOVED IT. Have yet to comment.
*
Don't tell Ace, but I might be mashing one of his chapters next. IF I get brave enough. I'll send my personal commentary to your email, hopefully tonight, but I may be busy until Tuesday.
*
Thanks for writing and sharing.

Heh @ smell.
*
@ archives: I was trying to locate something that hadn't been commented on yet.
*
Link to masher poem please?

I agree wholeheartedly. This is one of those pieces where I haven't yet found my voice. There's too many different angles/etc compacted in a small place and, while it does leave me "placeholders" for when I decide which voice I want, it is a rather confusing mess.
*
I shared it, though, because it's a story idea that I have circled for some time. It needs public circulation and inspiration, and this is a good place for both those things.
*
I'm delighted you enjoyed the overall intention of it. And also, thanks for the 'too structured' comment. I hadn't realized it, but the prosy bit does lack variation.

Thanks for the comment. I like that everyone likes the cell phone. I got the idea as soon as it was dropped onto the floorboards :)
*
I know the ending is not entirely masher friendly, because I left it a very specific place. I actually had the crash written out, him beginning to exit the vehicle. I was going to cause him to pass out, and then give the masher the opportunity to decide where he woke, if this chapter was mashed. Should I go ahead and do so?
*
For the sake of no more pig comments, I'm going to make a brief edit to remove them but I won't be getting to the real, meaty edit until Sunday. Also, for final clarification, the scene I removed with the initial pig reference was one where the cops had ceased being neutral lawmakers and had become direct obstacles between him and his son, actually aiding the kidnapper, a change that I think would incite enough passionate anger in him that he would get derogatory. I removed it because it was making the highway chase too long (we'd already been through two chapters) and having him boxed in by cops was also boxing 'me' in as a writer.
*
Absolutely my bad for not removing the rest of the references to that scene before I published. You guys are right for thinking it came out of left field.

Hmm. I just wrote the longest comment I've ever written and erased it all to write these few lines. I like parts of this scene - the sibling interplay, the rear view - but I am actually estranged from my father and much of this just doesn't make sense to me. If you want to hear why, then poke me. If not, I will just leave this piece for the others.

Poetry is so not my forte. forgive me if I stomp all over this.
*
Love the title, because it is completely abstract to the piece itself, meaning there is no exact reference or line drawn and interpretation is utterly open.
*
The poem itself is abstract. Sure, it tells a very clear story about what a man sees on a sidewalk but is it a sidewalk or a soul, a path regretted or a wise man's words? You can take it at face value, or your mind can adjust it. That might be true about most things but it feels more apparent here because of the title.
*
Second stanza is the weakest, in my case. "Back" seems kinda funny because if you're tripping on a sidewalk crack you're likely falling forward.
*
I don't think "forged from hell" is comfortable here. It's not a dark poem. It's not Michael Jackson's Thriller. There's no mention of demons or underworld. Maybe it's just personal preference throwing it's voice in.
*
Absolutely love the last stanza. Profound, meaningful. Gave me chills both times I read it.

I am not a poem person. That said, I like this one. It's simple. It tells a story. It is bittersweet, stark, emotive. I like how gender isn't implied. It's simplicity makes it slightly more profound, in my eyes.
*
Love the title, and how it coincides with the last line. Critiques:
*
The Bolds. The brevity of the lines already emphasizes the content. I think if you want to draw attention to lines special to you, use italics and emphasize less lines. The poignancy is lost if you do it too much.
*
Commas. This may be nitpicky, but your poem only contains two. You might consider taking them out and just breaking those lines into pairs.
*
Not sure I like the longer lines which are questions. The emotions in these questions are already apparent throughout the piece. The repetition takes away from the profound sense of the shorter lines.

I read this a couple days and had no idea what to comment, except "Swoon", which isn't helpful at all. So I read another one of your pieces and it still didn't help me. Instead of thinking up a critique, I was fantasizing about marrying your wit (just your wit, mind you; my husband may protest against more). You would definitely be one of those authors I'm forbidden to read in bed. Too much laughter waking my husband. I can definitely envision you as the next Christopher Moore. Easily.
*
You're characterization is spotless. Even the brief paint you slap on the Red Coach is believable/intriguing/informative enough. You're the type of writer that characterize a spoon with minimal effort. And it would even be a story we'd all read and love.
*
Clever wit from both the author and the character. Excellent. Love "black jack", love the choking on whistle comment. There is a vague notion growing in the back of my head that this guy isn't exactly happy in his marriage but his son makes it all worth it. Aww.
*
HATE the parentheses. Had no clue half the time whether you're talking to the readers or the mashers. Some of the parentheses could be turned into sentences, some dashy asides, others unnecessary. We're all casual here so their presence is fine, but if this is honest practice for publication, I personally think they should be whittled down. I only read two authors who output comedic narrative (Moore, Pratchett), which I think is your targeted genre here, so I could be wrong.
*
Aside from that, the only thing I could possibly suggest here is description. Aside from the color of the jerseys and brief view of the field, there isn't any. I'm a bit wary calling you on this. clearly, you don't need description to captivate your audience. If this were a book I was assessing in the book store, I'd probably buy it. Also, the style in this piece doesn't allow for in depth detail. Too much, and you drown the clever voice.
*
But I think you can play with a little. Instead of 'none of the jerseys are Michael', something like 'none of the jersey's have an apple shaped grass stain'. Or maybe the whistle is glaringly orange, like the marker he uses in golf, which is where he'd rather be right now. Not much, but just enough to not make its absence notable.

Thanks for the welcome! And the commentary. No need to hurry; I understand the speed of this site is relaxed. Most of you likely write/focus elsewhere.
*
Thanks for the 'in character' comment. That is what I'm most worried about. The edit should add some clarifications of the police cars/etc but it may be a day or two. I've discovered that with me, it's better to share faulty work because I habitually edit to the point of non recognition then dislike, and then it never sees daylight.