Let me tell you the story of my latest ordeal

About a mistake I made, and now I feel

That I’ll never be the same between the sheets

And whenever I see a fat chick, I’ll get the creeps

 

I’ve always wanted a threesome; I reckon it’d be grand

To have an **** cheek of two chicks in each hand

To make a triangle of passion, love and lust

And have two lovely girls with some lovely sets of bust

 

I went out last night, narrow sighted, focused on a goal

To double my winnings; Not one, but two holes

A couple of sevens or above is all that I’ll allow

Searching, moving from club to club like Israel Falou

 

A couple of drinks at each stop to up my game

I should have stopped at 10 drinks, to prohibit my shame

That I was about to unfold upon myself

And episode that was potentially dangerous for my health

 

Beer goggles on now and almost midnight

Sexual excitement at its height

I was looking for eights, instead I found some two’s

And thought ‘Why not? Fat chicks need love too.’

 

If I was sober, this would not have happened

And would not have made my penis felt so saddened

About the two girls I picked up and took back home

Giving these two dogs a much needed bone

 

These two things were atrocious, pudgey and bloated

After this warfare, my penis ranking will be demoted

They were pretty young looking, but no need for I.D’s

The need for bosoms great thought, some banging double D’s

 

Under the lights of the club, they looked okay

But under my bedroom lights, one looked like a dog, a stray

The other, I’m sure, was hit with a spade

And used Mr. Sheen for deodorant, or maybe Glade

 

Girl number A was a big ol’ thing

Probably had a day job inside a circus ring

She tried to be sexy and gave her hair a flick

All I thought was “Holy ****! I’m Ishmael. And she’s Moby Dick”

 

She’s got the harpoon scars to prove it

Guess she got hit by the Japanese off their cruise ship

Like a whale in so many ways, including the blowhole

But there, on the tip of her nose, a giant bloody mole

 

She’s a witch! And she’s cast a spell on me

But I want this threesome, so shut up, and let it be

I was a bit rash for some of the gash

And she asked me for pre-sex bangers and mash

 

She pushed me onto my bed, like a tidal wave

Which is ironic, cause her arms jiggled just like a tidal wave

Then girl B came into my left side view

Worse than girl A, monstrous! I wanted to spew

 

Girl B was from Star Wars, she was definitely Chewbacca

With the outfit and sweat of a mountain trucker

Hair down to her hips, but not from her head

But from her armpits, Christ! I’ve gotta get off this bed

 

Too late now, Moby Dick just jumped on my rib cage

I think I almost passed out. She’s a big gal for her age

There’s no way out now, I’m just gonna go with it

Even though one chick’s hairy, and the others got hands like oven mitts

 

One’s chick’s thick, not in the head but around the waist

The other’s got a moustache covering 90% of her face

She could use scrunchies to tie up her side burns

It’s time to get down to business, and they’re gonna take turns

 

Girl A’s beached beside me, touching my face

Girl B’s down South, playing with my naughty place

Taking my t-shirt off, then my pants

Much past the point for woo-ing and romance

 

Moby and Chewy raised and started to undress

I quickly jumped up and turned off the lights, God bless

I had already seen too much and felt queezy

It was meant to be challenging, no where near this easy

 

I looked out the window and saw a full moon

Turned back when I heard girl B howl, it’s **** like a prune

Now both naked, I could see how overweight they were

And with my next thought I do concur

 

Whenever I see a naked chick, any chick, my penis still grows

Just like Pinocchio and his truthful, wooden nose

A threesomes a threesome anyway you look at it

Whether it’s with two models or two fat chicks

 

It’s all counted, another notch on your bed post

And I’ve found out that I get the most

From fat chicks cause they double their output

And are throwing me gobby’s like their balls from shot put

 

What I mean is that their gobby’s go a long way

To making me feel special, to making my day

The fat on their legs acts like padding on their knees

While they’re giving me a BJ; they’re just trying to please

 

And what comes next, it’s true what they say

Rooting a fat chick is like throwing a sausage down a hallway

They’re like a bed ON a bed when you’re on top

But with your penis inside, you don’t wanna stop

 

But you have to eventually, so when you reach the end

You say you’ll call them and you wanna be friends

But you never do, and all for good reason

To keep quiet about your sexual exploration and treason

 

I say to you, it was good at the time

But now I feel I shouldn’t have done it, it was a crime

To expose my penis to Chewy and Moby

But I used the force, and my lightsaber, like Obi-Wan Kenobi

 

So I warn you: Be careful what you wish for

And if you want a threesome and begin the vagina tour

To be vigilant and wait for the right type of girls

That you’ll take back to your place and rock their worlds