Discussion of "October Chill: The Message (2)" by Cheeseliker

Super job! I liked how he worked off his anger chiseling off the message only to catch it again in the boy's room. Great leave, too..."The Church"...ah, yes! 5

This is how you mash. Take a strong foundation (provided by Shadow, in this case), up the ante, fill in some details (as either solutions or red herrings), and leave it with a setup that provides direction for the next author while leaving it wide open as to what they do with it. You made it simple, Cheese. If only it was always this easy. (5)

A very well written continuation -- and I love the turn toward the church. Opens up all kinds of possibilities! One very minor critique regarding the use of "effed-up". The character already used the real expletive (albeit with ** inserted) earlier in your chapter and I see no reason to water it down; if he says "****" once, he'll say it again. The combination of these two uses made me think you (as the author) might be uncomfortable with the word. If true there is nothing wrong with that, but you will ultimately have to learn to use it when necessary to illustrate your character's feelings. Gratuitous uses of profanity are to be discouraged, but using it to add color and depth to a character is fine.

This was good cheeseliker. Been some time since I read anything from you. I have added a 3rd chapter but I wanted to go back and comment. Wonderful. Keep it up....

Gave you a 5 by the way.....

Hey Cheese, since I am up on this storyline Im going through and catching up on all.
I liked that you kept the flow going and added to the general theme. The Church was definately a great leave for the next mash.
Nice work.

Shadow, just so you know, the stars don't mean I used the f-word, could be any swear word.

Never mind, I realized I used fu**. You were right shadowman.