Discussion of "The Unknown 4: Knowing is Half the Battle" by Cheeseliker

Well done, Cheeseliker, well done.
I say this every chapter, but I'm always freaked out the way other authors take some of the same story paths that I do. I guess we all follow the logical clues from prior chapters...I'm just glad I didn't read yours first or I would have obsessed over making changes in mine to make it much different.
Anyway, you done an excellent job, man. My only nit is your mention of two babies...I thought they just had the one child? Small matter.
Overall, great job!

Well in my defense, it never explicitly states in any of the previous chapters that there was only one child. However, in Nash's chapter, 'Danya' is mentioned, however no other kid is, so that would lead readers to believe there was only one child, but the possibility that there was more then one is there.

And our stories are different, most importantly in the fact as to who the bad guys are. I will comment on your chapter soon.

Also in my defense. I am dumb, as I realize in the first chapter, Mrs. B mentions her one child. My bad.

Great work, Cheese! I really like how you plotted this out from the previous chapter and the leave was perfect. Although I wouldn't have Robert turn in to such a cry baby, you did an excellent job with him. Same with Maribel. Started her off all mushy and the more she heard the more bad **** she got. Great job! 4.5 stars

Cheese --

As yours was the first submission this round, you get the honor of my first critique. Hopefully, it'll be an honor and not a bitch session. (Rumor has it I've done both.)

I'll accept the dismissal of the setting as it appears to have been a rendezvous point for Hiram and Robert. Even so, it's hard to maintain suspense when Maribel gets out of one car simply to get into another. There are several places (8th paragraph, as an example) where I'd've preferred more show and less tell. Some typos and grammar nits, but those don't bug me sufficiently for demerits.

You've spent some time with nine year old girls. Natalie sounds believable.

Holy crap, Rob's a dark, detestable man! "No, of course not. Did you notice any of them acting spectular? They're all normal." Hooboy.

You handle the exposition relatively smoothly, providing some [minor] concurrent action. For two agents (one FBI, one "Clear Changes," (Great name!) I'd've liked to see the conversation occur a little more eloquently. She gets his gun, he says too much - oops. Yes, there's the relationship to work from. But you neutralized Robert as an unlikely info source/leak and had him bawling at the end. For someone so zealous about the project, I'm not sure so much a transformation is feasible.

Fantastic leave, primed for a chase and showdown. Love the totality of "All of them. Zero percent success rate." The organization is undoubtedly evil and a strong antagonist. Not sure how to make the kids take the pills and/or what happens to the rest of the town - are they in the know? Does that matter?

Creepy-jeebies. Well done. (4)

You did good, Cheese. I thought your chapter was better than mine. I haven't read any other chapters yet, but I'm glad I waited till I published mine to go and read other peoples chapters. Well done and good luck.

Here are the notes I took as I read your entry:
I loved the line about how her brain was back to speed and working overtime. This is true to her character and is a very well worded description.
In dialogue, if the speaking character directly addresses the other character, there need to be commas separating the name from the rest of the sentence. Example: “What did you say about the kids, Robert?” Also, the ‘tag’ which indicates who is speaking should be on the same line as the dialogue. For instance, ‘I tentatively shook her hand and stuttered’ should be on the same line as “Hi, Natalie… I’m fine.” There were some missing commas in other places, like “Well of course, but they’re nothing like Natalie.” (I personally would also put a comma in after ‘well,’ but I think that’s one of the fuzzier comma rules.)
The bit where she first noticed the gun in his waistband, then hugged him to get access to it later, was great.
Maribel and Robert only had one child, a daughter (see chapter 1) named Danya (see chapter 3). However, I did really like the idea that the plane crash was a cover up for Robert’s failed experiments.
You did a good job handling Maribel’s reactions. They felt very realistic both to her character specifically and to human beings in general.
I like the idea that Robert wanted to tell her that he was still alive, but she was moved out of town before he had a chance. Nicely played!
It’s a great touch, and very true to life, that Robert thinks he’s doing this wonderful, amazing thing. Well done!
The prior events with Jake and the children seem left out of this chapter. Who threatened Maribel’s life, and how did Jake get wind of it? There don’t seem to be any major players who have anything against her – the FBI appears to still be on her side, and if Lockley is on Robert’s side, then neither of them would want to kill her, either. Right now, it seems that the only threat on the table is against the children, not against her.
You have some great ideas here, and ended the piece with some great suspense. Good job.
I gave it a 3.8.

Intense! You definitely kept up the quick pacing of the previous chapters. The exposition wasn’t overly done either. I like the mad scientist angle, willing to kill children for the sake of science, now that’s evil. If I had any issues I would say they are with how long it took Maribel to put 2 and 2 together and realize he’d killed their kids. And with how quickly she emotionally dismantled Robert. Oh, and the death threat. Robert didn’t really seem like he was going to kill her. At least not if she joined is evil empire. But I like the determination and direction you gave Ms. B. She’s off to kick some **** that’s for sure:) Nice work!

Huge issue in the line “The memories, the love we'd shared, our kids…” In the chapters so far, we have learned about her pain at losing her daughter and her husband. We’ve learned the name of her daughter and her husband. While it is possible for her to have a child that she doesn’t care enough to think about, grieve for, and name within the first three chapters, it is highly unlikely.

This was very well written – brought us right up to a logical climax. It explained why all the kids were in town. It did not explain the threat by Jake, or Irene and Marcus. At this point, I don’t see why she’ll be dead by Monday.

My only other gripe was in the scene with Natalie – the intro of her talent seemed too rushed. You captured her personality beautifully, but I would have liked to see more interaction between her, Maribel and Robert before having that bombshell dropped.

There were several little typos – a ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’, eachother should be separated, I believe. There were also a few sentences that could have been reworded to help the flow.

Again, great chapter!