Discussion of "Dear Father Ch.1" by Cal_3

Um, wow. Going to be quick now, but will return later. There are some mistakes, mostly in the beginning, I noticed you use the suffix ly a bit too much or at the wrong times. Will read this over again and give you more of my thoughts soon.

Sounds good to me! I'll be waiting...

Your writing is very descriptive and I enjoyed it - I found myself wondering if blood dripping on to hay on a dirt floor would actually make a sound? Your use of verb tenses is not consistent, an easy fix during editing once you're aware of it. Hope that helps, can't wait to see where the story goes...

Thanks for the comment. I'm curious about the dripping blood as well but not curious enough to test it out XD

Thanks for catching the tenses, I have a horrible habit of doing that!

Good writing here and very intriguing plot that keeps the reader hooked with the crazy antics of a father. Good story of a kid trying to deal with his insane dad and wondering what to do, I could feel how the kid was feeling. Theres only a few grammatical and an occasional spelling error, nothing big. Good job, I really enjoyed it.

Thank you very much for the complements!

Wonderful story! You have got one twisted imagination! (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course...) My only critiques are the few spelling errors and other spots that just needed a bit more editing. The biggest one I saw was the time line. It all flowed fairly well until the sentance "My father had long given up tending to the crops and it showed. The fields of tall barley and wheat had long withered away..." From what it sounded in the begining, the father had been working hard up 'til the first murder. And I have a hard time swallowing that the police would have taken that long to start closing in - maybe a week or two, but not long enough that the crops would wither away...
But that's just my take. And I'm not a farmer by any means, so have no idea how long it takes for crops to wither away!
Anyway, loved the descriptions. Loved the irony of the father correcting his son for taking the Lord's name in vain as he is finishing taking a life. Very well done! 4 stars

Not sure about the life of barley haha.

Thanks for the complements!

That's creepy. I've got goosebumps all over me. I'm not sure I want to know what happens next. Partly because I'm scared of the dad, I'm scared of what'll happen to his son and partly because of the pain it would cause knowing you loved one is a murderer that the son would feel. This is a very entertaining piece. Thank you for it.

Bwhahahaha! *evil laugh*

Thank you for reading!

First off, let me say that I was impressed to see so many comments on such a newly posted chapter. I often invite my family and freinds to view my newly created work in emails and with links to them on MySpace. Alot of us would do well to have discerning eyes and objective readers give us some feedback and I like the fact that you seem to welcome the critique. :)

Okay, good storyline. Her's what I think could use some work....

You skipped from the present, where the son discovers his fahter's doings and moved on to "for the next few days", then back to, "that night" and "the next day. To make the story seemless and keep the reading intense, try moving some of the paragraphs around. Lump up the first day's activites from sunrise to sunset, then move into the next morning and the next few days. There are some misuse of adjectives and mis-spelled words, a run on sentence or two...oh! and you would do well to spell out numbers, substituting five for 5...which you did correctly in some cases but it was not consistant. All in all, a fair chapter! I gave you a 2.5 for needs some work.

Ahh, thank you for bringing the time line to my attention! I'll be laying out the paragraphs in cut outs so I can make sure its clear and easily understood ^_^

I've caught numerous mis-spells and even the adjectives you were talking talking about after I'd posted it.

Let's just say that the copy on my computer is far better than the one on the site!

Thanks again for the critiquing!

I try to always work in a word program first, then copy and paste the story here...it's helped me catch alot of mistakes...but not all! :) I love gruesome!

You've got a great set-up here with the kid who is watching his father kill people.
Your narrator is very detached: either he is remembering these events much, much later or he's a sociopath himself. At some point, the narrator tells us that he is "still afraid" but the text does little to indicate that. It's hard to follow the story because of all the jumping around in time and tense, but the kid seems to be more interested in than scared by his father's actions. This story would be a lot better if it was more linear, and if we as the reader discovered along with your protagonist what was going on - let us get in there with him and experience this horror, and then let us wrestle along with him as he decides what to do about it - should he leave? should he go the police? etc. Right now, he just kind of leaves, because he's figured it's about time.

You've got some great descriptions of physical things though: the blood dripping on the hay, the stain under his father's fingernails, etc.

'his eyes were still open and peering into my soul.' - great line, gives us a real feel for the scene. I also loved the contrast between the dad's perfectly straight back and clean shirts, and his hunched back and bloody shirt after that first kill. And the idea in general - telling the story from the POV of a serial killer's loved on - is excellent. I give you a 4. The technical stuff has already been thoroughly discussed, I think.

Despite the grammar mistakes and the somewhat confusing time line, I enjoyed this. I think you did a good job with your narrator. He’s like his father in that he’s pragmatic and deliberate. He knows his father is wrong, but loves him and wants to protect him, so not knowing what else to do, he runs away. I would have liked more clarification of the narrator’s age, unless I missed it. At first I thought he was younger, like ten. But by the end I thought maybe sixteen or seventeen. Definitely interesting and intense, but your execution needs some work.

Interesting story of insanity intensifying. Not my
type of story though. Too bloody. I would not read the finished book but only because it would give me nightmares.

Great beginning--I'm hooked!

Proofread, proofread, proofread. Small typos or errors are very distracting.

I love it when the father tells his child to not take the Lord's name in vain. Nice touch.

The scene where the father wipes the blood from the child's hand was somewhat odd. I would have liked for that moment to be fleshed out (pun not intended).

Watch your verb tenses--you switch from past to present tense.

Overall, the chapter is interesting, but I feel like it's sort of skimming the surface of what it could be. It feels slightly stilted.

Good job!

The grammar mistakes and the screwy timeline threw me off, too. Normally, that would be enough to make me stop reading BUT...the story is simply too good, the suspense, the mystery and, yep; the excellent descriptions would not let me stop reading. Very well done, storywise!!
My vote: 4

Oh wow, quite a hefty compliment. I'm glad my prose, save the time line and mistakes of course, is 'too good to stop reading'.

Thank you much!