Discussion of "A place for Magic: Chapter One." by ArdentiCorde
SomeoneAmazing 3 years, 2 months ago
Awesome Story, I really like it, keep writing :D
hidden comment from SomeoneAmazing with score of 1
ArdentiCorde 3 years, 2 months ago
I sure will. :D
hidden comment from ArdentiCorde with score of 1
FRABBIT 3 years, 2 months ago
Good stuff Shaybabay! <3 XD
hidden comment from FRABBIT with score of 1
Netnet 3 years, 2 months ago
I like the spells and all great story
hidden comment from Netnet with score of 1
ShadowedPen 3 years ago
Hi. I read your comment in a forum. You were disappointed that more people had not read or commented on your work, so I thought I would do so.
Initially, I was put off by the title. A place for magic is not an interesting title because it is vague but not mysterious. Because the title is not that strong, I was automatically biased against your work before I even read it. After the first few paragraphs, I had decided that this was mediocre writing.
It was good! As soon as you quit the unnecessary exposition, the story was well written and entertaining. The Elves in silver cloaks and the smell of tobacco in the air as Dwarves played dice... Great!
I'm sure you might disagree. I'm sure you had reasons for the first few paragraphs to be written the way they were. And it is not that bad. But I believe that if you are going to "Set the scene" as I call it, you need to work on your technique. On story mash, people tend to just start with a Hook. Some mysterious action, like murder. But in fantasy novels, the authors rely on the mystery of the magical setting to provide the suspense to keep the reader interested. And this allows them to "set the scene."
Its difficult to get right. I have failed to pull it off more often than not myself. But it involves a few words of description, and then you can insert exposition (information). So you could have described... oh... the pictures of bats on the wall... and then mentioned that this was because Van was a vampire. Instead of just writing it.
So that is basically my critique. The title needs to be more interesting. You need to leave off the first few paragraphs where you give the background of the main character or write them with better technique.
And in addition, you have to realize that no matter how well you write, the response from your audience will be dictated by their demographic.
I am a twenty eight year old man. It is hard for me to relate to a young blonde girl. lol. Now, I am not sure of the demographic of the readers on this site, but let me save you some of the pain I went through! Right away you should realize that no matter how well you write something, most people will NOT LIKE IT- right off the bat! No matter what you do! Because they do not RELATE TO THE MAIN CHARACTER. So perhaps this is why you are not getting the response you want. If you look at the top stories on the sight, they are full of blood and murder and assassins and suicidal adults with complex psychological issues. That seems to be what this market (storymash) likes. Think of a market as a person. Each market has its own tastes and preferences.
So, learn to take that in stride, because a lot of people will not even realize why they do not like your material. They will assume that it has something to do with your writing style or plot, when in fact, it's simply the fact that they cannot relate to your main character. For instance, I would never have finished reading "Twilight" but its audience of tweeners made the author five hundred million dollars.
I hope this was helpful. Oh yeah, and I probably liked this story so much because I grew up reading fantasy books! So I actually did fit your demographic somewhat.
hidden comment from ShadowedPen with score of 3