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Discussion of "Love Isn't a Piece of Cake. It's More Like Mushroom Soup. [~prologue~]" by Alyssameep

1 Linden 7 years, 8 months ago Reply

Intriguing opening -- good start.

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1 keysersoze 7 years, 8 months ago Reply

Nice teaser there at the end...looking forward to more of this one. Nice start!

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2 RSummers 7 years, 8 months ago Reply

I like it. The title is rather interesting. I wasn't sure what to make of it, so eventually I just had to check it out. The main character, Ella Frank, is the kind you like to be in the head of. The first person with her as a guide really made it fun. There's very little physical description of the characters, which I don't really mind, but a lot of people would be turned away by that. Sometimes, it's hard to get into a book that you can't visualize anyone from. Obviously, this is merely a prologue, so there isn't so much you can do with physical description, so maybe this is just a comment coming out too early. And like I already said, I like it anyway.

For the most part, the grammar was good, except for one you're instead of your toward the beginning. I don't think there was anything else that jumped out at me.

I especially like the character's mention of how often the lawyer said "Ah yes." By that time I was pretty much thinking the same thing.

You have a good thing going. Just thinking about all of what can happen is exciting. I'd love to see more.

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2 honeygloom 7 years, 8 months ago Reply

Interesting... I don't know that much about wills, but what happens if she doesn't marry the guy? I know there was that movie where Chris O'Donnel had to marry a girl in order to get all his grandfather's money, but what's the catch here? It doesn't seem like there is anything to force her to even meet the guy.

Overall I think it's an interesting premise, but there's no real tension. If she and her father were dirt poor/homeless and this was the only way they'd get the house and belongings, the story would make more sense. But I enjoyed it, and I'm definitely interested in reading more. Nice work!

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1 hebe6405 7 years, 8 months ago Reply

*“Ah, yes. I haven’t met you’re lovely daughter yet.
-should be: your lovely daughter

*At the time, I didn’t know that it wasn’t because he was getting a shitload of money.
-this sentence is hard to read/understand because of all the nots in it.

*“Hi. I’m Ella Frank,” I said simply.
*“To Miss Ella Louise Evans,
-The name change confuses me - this would be something good to clarify right away.

*I know you both are only nineteen.
-How did grandma know when she was going to die? I'd get rid of this line.

*However, this isn’t just help for him… It’s for your own safety.”
-This is a good hook.

You definately don't need a lot of information spilled in a prologue... The details can wait for the story. I think this has potential to turn into something really interesting.

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