Discussion of "Harvest : Chapter Two" by Althorian

I’m not sure what Maybel dragged out of the well, but this is a nice angle I haven’t seen yet. I like that you went there, it’s a really interesting development. Beware of using too many adverbs in your writing (barely, momentarily, quickly, tightly). Adverbs lessen the effect your verbs have, slowing down and weakening your writing. You did add some interesting aspects to Maybel’s character that I liked; she seems to be a neat freak and a but of a drinker. Two very nice details:)

ty very much for the comment i was just aiming to take a different angle to the other chapter 2's

Althorian~
I think this one could have used a few more edits before you published. Not because there were necessarily mistakes, but because it just didn’t flow well. At least for me it didn’t. And please keep in mind, these are just my personal opinions.
Chapter one had a very distinct flow. Short, to the point choppy sentences. It created an eerie mood. You abandoned that feel here. I didn’t get the sense this was even a horror story at all until the very last sentence. And even then I was mildly confused. (more on that later)
I thought the dialogue was a little stiff and unrealistic. I wasn’t convinced that the character could pull a girl out of a well with a garden hose.
And whose eyes flashed ‘unnatural green’ at the end. (and what exactly is unnatural green??) Was it the girl who got pulled from the well? That would make sense and it does leave us with a bit of a creepy feel. However, if she is the ‘monster’ here that what the heck is Maybel? She was the one who dumped the dead dog down the well to begin with. And a well that’s apparently in her own backyard!
I apologize if you feel I am being overly critical here. But we are in search of the best storyline so that we can publish it in a collaborative book. It’s not that I didn’t like your chapter. I think what you attempted to do was awesome. It was a unique creative direction. However I think you needed to spend some additional time developing it. If your up for it why not take some of these into consideration and re-write it. Post it again. You can post as many chapters as you like.
I voted a 3.

ty for the comments ill work on it later and repost it but a hose would hold provided it was long enough it would be a viable solution to the problem caused by a girl who was in a well for an unkown period of time and therefore may only have weighed very little

Gotcha! Makes more sense now.