Discussion of "TSNK 9:Rise of Power" by Aggeloi

I'm speechless! Which, if you knew me, is saying quite a lot. I LOVE the musical references. They were flawless and smooth.

The tension you had building with Charlie and Adara was superb. And then, Adara gets this new power, a power that she can even scare Charlie with.

I...I can't say anything else. This was AMAZING!

I just realized that you're new to SM! Welcome and way to go! You've started with a BANG!!!

EA

Thank you! I'm so flattered <3 - and I've had a rough day, so your kind words really mean a lot to me. :-) Thanks!

A big WOW! A toast to you! What a way to come out of nowhere near the end of the story and blow us away! The writing is smooth and competent, and so full of literary gems they are too numerous to list. The scene with the paperweight, and the tension building between Adara and Charlie, excellent! The epiphany where Adara gives Charlie a "shove"- great! And then Charlie is completely beside himself and defeated, leaves with his tail between his legs, and then has that post-rage, where I think he is actually as mad at himself.
I love the interaction between Jimmy and Charlie, in Jimmy's head, it is wonderfully creepy and spot on in character, and it builds as well, quite nicely. Each scene builds and layers onto the next. In context, I really can't say that I have any suggestions at this time. I hope we see a lot more of you here!

Thanks, Cornelius. I really enjoyed writing it, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. If you do have any suggestions, I'll take any chance I can to refine my writing.

I'm glad I didn't read the comments first, because I would have gone into your chapter expecting an incredibly awesome piece of writing. Fortunately, I was able to savor your chapter without preconceptions, and I can honestly say, it was an incredibly awesome piece of writing. Loved it!
I hope we see much more of your talent here. Welcome to StoryMash.

What a wonderfully written "house warming gift" you've brought to SM! Magnificent writing. Without rehashing, let me simply second and third all of the laudatory comments above. I can't think of single way you could make this chapter any better. Just what I needed, too....another top notch writer to struggle against!! LOL.

Welcomt to SM. This is a wonderful chapter. One of the best I have read. I loved the scene with Adara and Charlie. Great writing.

Very interesting. At first read I felt it was a little too coincidental that Charlie and Jimmy met randomly. I kept picturing like a psychic chat room or something. But I think you explained the extent of Jimmy’s powers beautifully. Overall, I loved this chapter. Adara scaring Charlie out of the room was awesome. And her first real contact with Jimmy was powerful as well. Charlie and Jimmy in the car… It was all smashing;) The metaphors to a symphony you drew throughout were fantastic too. Really great job!

As a I said earlier, I really liked this entry. You did a very good job focusing the story in on the powers of the various characters, which is what the final chapter will ultimately be about. I do think the chapter could have been longer, and you could have put more time into the Methra/Franco/Paige angle - only because there's still way too much that's going to need to get sorted or ignored for chapter 10. Also, we still don't get Jimmy's endgame so that's still left open. I would have liked to see more things resolved in a chapter 9. But some of these criticisms are subjective, and don't take away from your skills as a writer. All in all, a great read. 4.5

Thanks for the feedback, Honey and Wolf. I agree, it could've been longer to progress the storyline a bit further - like maybe mid-climax instead of just touching the beginning of it. I'll try to remember that in writing future chapters.

This chapter is very well done — nice work! I really like the interplay of Jimmy and Charlie...and it better explains how Jimmy knows Adara and why he is so intent on "using" her. However, I found it slightly hard to believe that Adara wouldn't have summoned her full force of power to help find her daughter before this, and why Franco suddenly was able to see what was going on with Adara.

The way that you incorporate Charlie into Jimmy's plan is interesting. I do wonder why they are targeting Adara--the control aspect can only be believable for so long. There has to be something underneath that.

Your expository writing is great--very descriptive, and it flows really well.

"I felt a sick sense of delight at the glimmer of fear in his eyes." This sentence doesn't make too much sense to me. Why is he scared when he's got Adara in complete submission?

The POV shift you make is confusing. (I'm referring specifically to the scene where Adara is referred to in third person)

This is a good chapter--I'm just afraid that there's a lot left for the tenth chapter to explain.

Good job!

Thanks for the comments, Katrina. If it helps, I wrote Charlie as being a bit afraid because, as Adara reflected, he had never seen her like that before. Also, can you tell me where the POV shift is? I noticed that in all the other chapters, when the story is from Adara's POV, it's in first person, but when it's from someone else's POV, it's third person, so I tried to follow that pattern.
Thanks againf or your comments!

Hi there,
I suppose that my confusion came when it was from Charlie's POV and he was referring to Adara--when first person POV is involved, it's best to always refer to the "I" as "I."

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I knew when I first read this that it would be the winner. Fantastic writing!! Oh..and, along with Cornelius, Wolfram, and ireland-faerie you've joined a new club of writers that won a contest on their first entry. Scratch Cornelius...I just remembered that he won on his second posting...lol.

Congrats on your very well deserved win! I'm looking forward to mashing this chapter!

Thanks, everyone. Sorry I'm leaving so much to do in chapter 10 - good luck to all!!!

Hey, I've recently sat down and read this whole story from the first chapter until this last written chapter. I like the amount of action in this supernatural thriller. Good job to the authors of the previous chapters. Aggeloi, good work as well with tying in some of the facts. Your chapter sets up for a very intense finish. I might even give this last chapter a try. Congrats to the prior winners!

congratulations....

Way to go! A well deserved win!

Congratulations, Aggeloi. Are you going to take a shot at chapter 10 too? You definitely should.

Thanks for the congrats, all :-) I'm going to give chapter 10 a try and see what I can do - I think it's only fair, since my chapter 9 leaves so much WORK for the chapter 10 writers, that I attempt to slug through it, as well. Good luck to everyone!