Discussion of "TSNK 10: Symphony in Red" by Aggeloi

Wow! What a way to wrap that up! You managed to answer all the questions, and keep me glued to the computer screen. :) I was glad you used Brandon - When I had seen that earlier in the story, I hadn't realized it was a different character, just thought someone messed up and misspelled Barton. Cleared that one up for me! lol. And very cool to have Charlie turn on Jimmy like that. Wow. Good luck! You have my vote.

Actually, I did misspell Barton. Personal problem, I know several Brandons and it just crept in there. Haven't read this yet, I look forward to it!

LOL - that's funny. Reading chapter - 7, I think? It seemed natural for two to be involved, since the person who tied Methra up and put her in the cave couldn't be Barton, since Paige had already killed Barton by then.

Yeah, I clarified it in the comments for chapter 7 hoping it would stick for whoever wrote ch.8. Oh well, its a good story anyway- and I am sure these mishaps go with the territory mashing a complex storyline. Anyway, everyone has done a great job, and I'll be back with a comment when I get a chance to read your ch. 10 effort, I am confident it is fantastic.

Hi Aggeloi~ just read your chapter, and I have some comments.
First, you did a fantastic job of pulling in all of the characters, giving them certain plot-advancing chores (so to speak) and carried them out. There are a few places that your wording/sentence structure is awkward. Example: ...'making me gasp...'-probably would sound better as 'winded me', or something similar. I'm not really fond of the passage (or the idea) that Adara comes to the realization that Charlie knows where Paige is, and she is off to find him. We already had that scene, it seems, in the last chapter (your chapter, actually) and Adara pummels him with questions, briefly fights him mentally and he turns tail. It just seems redundant. I know that you needed to get Adara out of the office and into the parking lot to meet Lipscomb, but another way would have made more sense.
It seems I'm always wanting more 'show' and less 'tell'. I just think that, as a rule of fiction, it's critical. There are passages in your chapter that skip all the action (ex: the mercedes in the parking lot). To build tension, the reader should hear the footsteps approaching, feel the hammering of Adara's heart, her caution, his shifty eyes-something to build it up. I'm also surprised that Lipscomb is a practicing, rosary counting, catholic-uncommon for a psycologist. I do like that he's the key to Adara's answers. The dialogue here is odd; Adara's surprised he violated dr/patient confidentialty, but less surprised that he has been mind-controlled like she and Esperanza Flores. When he (Lipscomb) turns on her, to attack, you skip all of the drama. She runs, and instantly is in her car, safe. I think, again, to build tension you might have shown that sequence...he racing her down the stairs, she tripping, he gaining ground, her narrow escape. etc. etc.
Barton is already dead. Barton was Brandon. I don't like that the ultimate hand that carries out the climatic murder attempts is this guy. It should have been one of our key characters. (I do understand however, how the Barton and Brandon thing came to be misunderstood-so actually it isn't that big of a deal that you assume they are two people.) I love that you have Paige wreck the car, and create a stall. Killing Methra was awesome. Creepy.
I like that Charlie, through his stupidity, is inadvertently helping Adara fight Jimmy...that was clever.
No one hears the pounding of a stake in the ceiling of a hotel room...?
When Franco talks about deciding to leave Paige awake to avoid visions over the more plausible chance she would be controlled by Jimmy--well, I just don't buy it. I like the interaction between Adara and Brandon-as-Franco. I can visualize her holding him, this red-haired 'bad' guy but knowing it's her husband. An awkward but chilling sight.
All in all, you did a nice job, and really seemed to put some thought into pulling the majority of loose ends together. I still didn't find a 'real' motive for Jimmy, but I understand that limitations in length make that difficult. You write well, and my only major complaint...show don't tell. You did a great job! Foo

Thanks, Crystalfoo. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks so much for the critique. Probably the biggest area I need to work on as a writer is the 'show vs. tell' issue :-) (Though I will say, as far as the stake being pounded into the hotel ceililng... Hey, it's Vegas.)
Thanks for the comments and good luck to you!

Great story. You kept the action pumping, and did a great job trying to tie together all the loose ends - despite the constraining character limitations :). There are a couple of inconsistencies - one of which was the Barton/Brandon thing but understandable. Another - Lipscomb only started treating Engram a month ago, and Flores only had two prior visits so she was probably a recent patient too. I planted those seeds deliberately in Chapter 7 because I considered having Lipscomb be an imposter, maybe even Franco (this was before it was revealed that he was the Guardian.)
Anyway, I enjoyed reading - best of luck in the contest.

The comments above are good. I'd just like to add by commending you on making the story clear and doing your best to tie up loose ends. I also like the ending with Jimmy and his cell. It has a very nice cinematic feel. Good stuff.

Thanks, Wolfram and Handwriting! I really enjoyed reading your entries, too. And thanks for the correction Wolf - I guess I missed that part. As for the Barton/Brandon... well, I read through the storyline a few times to make sure, and while I understand that 'Brandon' was just a mistype, there wasn't anything that I saw to rule out the possibility of them being two different people. But hey, I could be wrong. Anyway, thanks again for the comments!

Another great story... keep up the good work!

Hello! Couple a things I am thinking about. I am not sure that the introduction of Dr. Lipscombs physical charater was really integral to the conclusion, except that it gave us another murder victim. I think, all in all, it took the focus away from Adara trying to find her daughter. As for murders, I like how you ended Methra's life. Nice. I am not sure why Jimmy wanted Adara dead. I believe he was after her for a reason, just not that of killing her. I would think he'd be after "the help" more than her, unless she had some keen knowledge of him. Dr. Lipscomb gave her some insight, but not enough info for her to go after him at the end. I think if this had been integrated in an earlier chapter, it would have fit better. There were alot of unexpected twists, which were interesting to read. but so many that it seemed a little overwhelming and I found my concentration breaking rather than mving along with the written word. Good job. thanks for the addition!

Good story!

I thought you had some strong moments in here and did a nice job of bringing a lot of things to conclusion (esp. loved the part of Dr. Lipscomb telling everything about his patients) but the main part, for me, remained unresolved: why Franco had to wait so long to help Adara. I think you try to explain that by saying HE doesn't even know, but somehow I didn't quite buy that. I wanted something more concrete here in this final chapter. But I do think you have a good sense of pacing and suspense in your writing...

Very nice! I loved that you brought Dr. Lipscomb in, even if only for a brief moment. I love that you made Paige a killer all over again. And killing Methra!! So good;) I thought the explanation of how Jimmy found Adara was cleverly simple; the obvious coincidence helped to illustrate just how weak and psychotic his motives really were. I wasn’t sure who Brandon was? I thought that was a misspelling of Barton (who is dead already) somewhere along the line. However, I loved the dynamic of Adara with Franco in the bad-guy’s body… very creepy image. Your writing seemed a little more rushed and less thought out in this chapter, but overall, I thought you did a good job of tying up loose ends and banging out an interesting read;)

Great beginning! You hooked me right in.

I love the dialogue between Lipscomb and Adara. It rings true and gives great characterization to the characters.

All in all, your writing is very clean and easy to read.

The whole story is coming together nicely in this chapter. It doesn't feel rushed or forced.

"Welcome, Adara. Welcome to my world." --CREEPY!

I'm afraid I have to say that it seems like a cheap way out to have to possess Adara's body in order to make her sin and worthy of death. I would have liked for her sin to have been genuine, something hidden in her past.

"Thou Shalt Not Make Unto Thee Any Grav--" - Which commandment is this? Those of us readers who aren't well-versed in the Ten Commandments could use a refresher :)

I think it's pretty cool that Franco took over the red-headed man's body to help Adara. It was a nice way to bring him back into the chapter.

The ending seemed a little anti-climactic for me.

You had a tough job to do, and I feel that you did an exceptional job. Well done!

Thanks for the comments! I had a lot of fun writing it, though I know there were various little holes :-) (I could go with my husband's standard explanation: "A wizard did it." - ha.)

As for the commandment - Thou Shalt Not Make Unto Thee Any Graven Images - in other words, no idols, like the symbol of... what was it, a sun god? Anyway, referring to Methra's necklace.

ah ha!! I ALMOST dug up my Bible from CCD (any of you who were raised Catholic will know what I'm talking about) and looked up the commandments. But then I realized that I'm kind of lazy ;)