Discussion of "A Modern Horror" by Aggeloi

VERY thought provoking. My initial thought is that the parents over-reacted. But of course, they come from a completely different socio-economic background... (and I know some parents who would re-act this way! lol) But makes one wonder... Did the authorities have more on Trina, or is it a witch hunt? Interesting.
Excellent writing, though it didn't grab me from the start like most of your stories do. But then, this is a different style. I loved the interaction between the family as they were moving in. SO true to life! Loved the description in the line "...launched a speedy offensive on Bryan's prominent midsection..."
Good work - 4.5 stars.

VERY realistic "moving" story! Great chapter - looking forward to the next..

Quite an interesting read. Very appropiate for the times. Society has created such an atmosphere of fear where children are concerned to the extent that adult actions around children are over analyzed to the enth degree. Yes there are dangers but not necessarily to the level portrayed.
Very good family interaction.
Keep it up

Very well written. You have a very precise and succinct style. I can tell that you take a lot of time choosing the right words, sentences, paragraphs, etc to build your story. What a sad commentary as well on the mistrust in our society. And with the twist at the end, there are many places this could go. Nice work:)

I really liked it. Well written and the story
flowed. Shows what damage community panic can cause to a person's life.

Your dialogue is very good--very natural.

This chapter is very slow to start--more like a long novel or movie than a five chapter story. This could make it very difficult to wrap up in five sessions.

By the twelfth page of my print out, I felt the suspense beginning to build. If it were moved along a little more quickly, it'd be good to go.

On a personal level, I love this chapter. However, for this contest, I think it's too long-winded.

I just don't think that an advice column would be the best/first place for these parents to voice their concerns. What about the family doctor or the school's guidance counselor?

I'm pleased with Trina's seeming innocence. Nice twist.

Overall, good job!

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I agree, Katrina, it was definitely a bit too slow for the beginning of what will be a rather short story. And yes, a doctor or counselor probably would've been smarter - the 'Ask Amelia' idea was a bit of a silly thought I had, so I worked it in :-)

Aggeloi, I really like how you set the stage with this one and the possibilities are endless as to where it can go. I greatly look forward to mashing this.

Another one of those, "where in the heck was I when you first published this!". I'm really glad that JD decided to mash for the new project, otherwise I might never have found it.

A gem. Loved the dialogue, the interchanges between mom and dad and Trina's character. Vivid. I could see her, the neighbors standing in the street, the kids playing...all of it.

Not only was the twist at the end surprising, it opens the door to many different avenues...;o)

I enjoyed this. I agree with some of the others that there was a slow start, but the pacing just made me think of a novel rather than a short story.

It does give one pause to think of how the situation can be interpreted with such variation. This is going to be a great mash.

Thanks all :) I sure look forward to seeing where it'll go!

Brillant dialogue Aggeloi! It's almost like watching a movie or just walking out my front door and opening my ears, so real. Your imagery was outstanding, you really put the reader there. Great work!

I can't honestly say I enjoyed this... that wouldn't be the right way to say it. Right from the start, I was steeling myself for something absolutely terrible to happen. But it didn't. And then the tension got worse, and worse, and worse. First I was SURE that Bridget was going to have a couch dropped on her. Then I was SURE that Trina was going to abduct one/some of the kids. Then I was SURE that when Bridget went to the park that everyone would come back without her and not know where she was. And yet, everything I was SURE about was completely wrong, and it wound me up all the more. That was absolute torture-- exquisite, wonderful torture.

I agree with people that there were a few details that could have been different, but I was so terrified of what was coming next that I hardly noticed them. The reactions of all the different people felt completely real-- the concern of the new parents, their reluctance to voice their concerns being outweighed by they're daughter's safety, and then when the newspaper got involved how the other parents reacted-- some with avoidance, and some with outright hostility. And the end, with Trina's apparent innocence and the attack on her, my mouth totally dropped open. Long, but fantastically written.

Thank you, Ace! It seems that my main goal when I originally wrote this chapter was achieved :)

Did you write this right after moving? Or helping us move? :) Very realistic writing, and believable characters. It is rather detailed - maybe a little too detailed in places, but if this is written as a novel, it works beautifully - sets the stage for a fascinating story. I liked how the public opinion toward Trina changed so quickly - the parents were happy to have her watch their children, but as soon as her motives were questioned, they were quick to turn away. Interesting that they never took the time to get to know her in the first place... I'm glad you made her intentions pure - can't wait to see where this goes!