Discussion of "The Unknown 2: Shadows" by Aggeloi

Fantastic chapter, Aggeloi. Damn, I guess it's back to the drawing board for the rest of us! LOL. Cutting my own throat, talent such as yours cannot be denied. 5 stars!

Okay. I also offer a damn.

I was thinking it was moving too slow and then you sledge that great ending at me.

Creepy kids.

4.0

I like the direction you are headed with this. You've thrown in elements that make me want to go on to the next chapter. Keep up the good work

Thanks everyone! And it's funny you say that, Rian, because I actually had to watch myself to keep it as 'fast-paced' as it is - I'm more of a novel writer, so I usually tend to take my time with scenes, and it took some work to keep from drawing things out! Ha. Glad you all liked it!

Wow - that sent chills down my spine! I couldn't find anything to critique on this, so am giving it a 5. Good job! Loved the descriptions of the mayor. Creepy!

wow, wow and wow! this chapter is really great...

...i gave you a five...

Agg-Good story. I appreciate that your chapter had clear direction and plodded to it's cliff hanger with steady pacing. It was somewhat predictable; a quarter of the way in I had an idea where you were headed with this. (except for the children appearing on the street-out of the dark. That was a chilling little visual!) But being predictable isn't always a bad thing ;) I just like a few surprises now and again. I liked the cliffhanger last line-always strong to end with dialogue. There was the use of words like "about", "just", and "like" etc that give some of your passages the feel of a magazine article. (that can happen easily when writing in 1st pov). It wasn't too often, but an example would be, "...I just wanted to get into comfy clothes..." and "...about as flimsy as a paper nail." Those words really only work in diaglogue-By ommiting them entirely (except from dialogue) it tightens the writing and makes the narrative voice more certain and clear. What you do very well is pace yourself-I enjoy that and readers enjoy that. Good job and good luck! 4 from me, Foo.

Thanks for the comments! I see what you're saying with those words - you're right, it would be stronger without. Thanks for the tip!

Excellent! I liked everything about your chapter except that it shouldn't have gotten that far :-)

For me, at least, sometimes I get a destination in view and have to get there no matter what. Don't get me wrong, you did a fantastic job of building to the end. Wonderfully written - like Shadinahnahnah said, "Chills!" went down my spine too.

One thing I would have done as the character is to ask the parents "Why? What kinds of things has he been saying?" Or, "Really? How has he been scaring people?" The "concerned" teacher would ask instead of saying "No, we just had hot chocolate. Goodnight."

That scene could have played out an entire chapter. It could have been slowed down to a coffee-sipping, sweat-dripping, eye-darting, throat-clearing, awkwardly intense moment, where she doesn't know what to think - and the crowd could have even made it to her house. She could have excused herself and made the call - and then disappeared or whatever.

I liked the chapter. The ending is strong. There was some predictably about it, but a very good chapter nevertheless. 4.0

Wow- kept me on the edge of my seat! Loved how it suggested a sort of "undercover" backstory but kept the plot open to lots of different options- and the kids... sooo wonderfully creepy!
Chloe

Weird! but yet so cool at the same time! great job on this one 5/5 for you!

I was a little disappointed that one of my chapters weren't selected for the contest; now I see why. I doubt either would have beat this. I have to say I'm a bit envious, but more impressed. Can't wait to read more.

Thanks, Wagner, though I read your 'no hurry' piece and thought it was great. The first round was pretty hard to get into, partly because of structural issues, some of which have now been fixed (an extra voting day after the round closes) and some are going to be fixed (only chapters that are 'opted in' will be entered). Keep up the good work - I want to see more by you!

This is SO good. The kind of story that would keep me up reading all night.

Excellent entry, Aggeloi. I love the direction you're going here - very Children of the Corn, and you've placed our heroine in a tense situation. I'm a little underwhelmed that our FBI agent of 12 years and 16 assignments has "scant training" and has to communicate to a drunken handler via a mysteriously always-charged cell phone, but now I'm just nitpicking. :) Great job. 4.5

Yes, it is a magical cell phone. It grants wishes, too.

LOL - but it is a good point. :-) I had gotten the vibe from the first chapter that, even though she's been at this for a while, she just gets thrown into random towns to gather whatever information, usually without any clue of whether they have a specific reason for placing her there - so in that vein, 'scant training' makes a little more sense - but I could be wrong. Thanks, and glad you liked it!

I know, we'll do an experiment with the cell phone. Charge you cell phone fully, then turn it off and store it for 12 months. In November 2009, we'll all come back and discuss results...

I’m a little confused about the kids at the bus stop, are they supernatural in some way? Do they want to help Ms. B? Or was she just having a premonition? I think I’m unclear because the image seemed so sinister, but including Jake, who earlier had wanted to help her, made me unsure of the children’s motives. You did a good job building up suspense. I really like the Mayor at the end. You gave me a good mental picture of him and I’m totally creeped out. The only other thing that really stuck out was Marcus and Irene. They seemed way too convenient. I’m not sure what is going on, but I get the impression that it’s organized (Ms. B’s been there for a while without even a hint of it), and their move seem very amateur. But really, overall I enjoyed it. Nice job!

Your writing is clean and refreshing.

"Jake had actually overheard something"---I don't know that this would be my first reaction if I were in Ms. B's spot. I would probably start asking him what the hell he was talking about and not jump to this conclusion.

"Be a Mormon, for the love of Pete." Absolutely hilarious!

I like how our main character is a rat--this is someone who I typically wouldn't like, so I'm interested to see where it goes, especially since you've made her somewhat likable.

This is a very nitpicky comment, but I have to make it: I highly doubt that Ms. B and her government contact would be using each others' names in their phone conversation.

Ms. B's interior temper tantrum at the end of the chapter reads just like that--a temper tantrum. This makes her less likable, in my opinion.

I do like how Amy keeps Ms. B in town. Good touch.

Great job!

I think you got my two entries mixed up - you're referring to my entry, 'The Plan', which was not a 'finalist' in this round. But I'm glad you liked it :-) 'Be a Mormon' is one of my personal favorites, too.

Oh dear...well, let me go back and re-rate and vote on it! lol

Good beginning--you did a good job of continuing where the last chapter left off.

Great dialogue between Jake and Ms. B. It sounds very natural.

Your writing, overall, is very engaging and clean. It's refreshing.

I really like the introduction to Jake's parents and their erratic behavior. It definitely adds to the tone of the chapter. I also love that Ms. B doesn't reveal Jake's statement to his 'rents. Smart chick, that one.

Ms. B's dialogue with the two agents was great as well. Natural and logical.

Lucy's random appearance sent chills through me. Nice. Ooooo! Creepy! Creepy kids. Ugh.

There were just a couple of minor grammar issues, but other than that, flawless.

Great job!

congrats!

Congratulations Aggeloi! A well-deserved win.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Thank you, everyone! It was a great round, and a tight race - I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing where everyone takes the next chapter!

I knew this was the winner when I first read it. Excellent job, well deserved. Congratulations!

And Writerwannabe, Wolfram, and Crystalfoo - congrats on the runners-up! (Runner-ups? Not sure on that one :-)
Like I said - great round! There were a lot of awesome entries.

Fabulous chapter! Congrats! but what a tough act to follow! (lol)
Chloe

(weird, I think to myself, I voted on this chapter but never commented... and I voted with a high score - you'd think I would have commented.)

Congrats on the win - very well done and absolutely deserved. Now I must remember to NOT procrastinate in adding to this one. (definately my father's child.)

Congratulations!!! on a well deserved win:)

Congratulations, Aggeloi!

Are you kidding me? I can honestly say that I was NOT on the radio show and wasn't even able to listen in. Sounds like you may be slightly bitter about something...

Apparently you came onto the show late, because I actually did call in shortly before Shadinah did. The guys even noted that my number is a 425 area code, and hers is a 360. I actually had a rather long conversation with the guys, so I'm surprised you missed it.

Now, sweetie, I know this is going to be hard for you to hear - and I'm rather flattered by your attentions, really - but it just isn't healthy for you to be this obsessed with me. Besides, I have a husband, and I work, so I really just don't have time in my life for a stalker right now. So like I said, I am flattered, and thank you for being so concerned about me - but it just isn't going to work out between us. I've never even really been interested in having a stalker-victim relationship. But stay strong - there are plenty of people out there who would just LOVE to have thier own personal little stalker. So keep a stiff upper lip and keep looking, love. Best of luck to you in that search.

Sorry--I hate to disappoint, but I only have the one account. Also, if tabr0wn and I were the same person, we'd have voted the same, wouldn't we? That obviously didn't happen.

Uh... wow. Please ignore that last comment... I don't know where my brain was, only that I was very tired of this random stranger believing he has magic psychic powers and is, for some reason unknown to me, convinced that his irrational fantasies are 'truth'. So pardon my rather stupid and childish comment there.

10 years is a long time to hold a grudge, David.

chuckncheese--please refrain from offensive comments. This site is here to support the creative process, not for bitter people whose only goal is to irritate.

5 stars no question! that was awesome. i hung on to every word. great job!

The last half was definitely tighter and had much crisper imagery. I'm glad to see that your "novelist pace" didn't stop you from getting the attention you deserve here. Excellent suspense building!