Discussion of "The Unknown ch. 2: The Plan" by Aggeloi

Interesting direction for this story - I felt like I was in the setting at times.

Good expression of emotions for a situation with many possible variables. You gave the reader some background but left the door open to many possibilities. Keep up the good work

Probably the best story continuation thus far....

"Be a Mormon" haha. I really liked the pace of the story; there really weren't any stalls but it didn't rush me through it. You did a good job making it seem that she is isolated in the town and on her own. Great job.

Excellent writing, aggeloi. I was impressed with the "secret room"; it's invention and the way you described and used it in the storyline. I was thrown off a bit by Mrs. B's reaction after talking to her controller...pack and run. I got the impression from chapter one that she was made of sterner stuff, used to tense situations (16 undercover missions?). It was a small distraction and, she did decide to stay on (thank goodness for that, huh?) LOL; overall I liked the mash and I've always liked your style. My vote: 3.5

You direction was solid, and you advanced the plot through the dialogue well. As a matter of fact, your dialogue propelled your chapter. You write well, clean, without glaring mistakes and without awkward sentence structure, both of which are refreshing and admirable. My only two concerns (which are no more than opinion) are that your direction for the chapter was predictable. I wanted to see something off the wall and surprising in the chapter. It was very good, but nothing shocked me. Also, chapter one seemed to be set in this strange, eerie, lonely town. I got the sense of something wicked going on behind the scenes, and the idea of politically motivated revenge seems too present-day for me. Overall, you did a fine job, style-wise and in pacing! I give it a 3.5.

Thanks everyone! I was concerned that my chapter didn't delve into reasons well enough for this contest; however, she's only considered the people she's ratted out thus far - the real reason is still wide open for chapter three :-)

I agree with Chystalfoo - the people she listed as potential killers all seemed to have committed crimes that were too common - BUT, I liked how you suggested in the phone call that the FBI knew something that Ms. B didn't regarding why she was there - that left an opening for something much more sinister.
Overall really liked your writing - easy to read, great flow.
Really well done.
I gave it a 4.0

Nice. I really like how you took the time to delve deeper into her mysterious career. It has a good pace too: fast, without lacking for description.

Also, I'm with Eternal_Flame...that phone call leaves me really curious as to what's going to happen next.

...i still liked the other chapter 2 you wrote....

I wrote this one quite a while ago, very shortly after this round opened. I was inspired for the other chapter 2 only recently, and I think I prefer that one over this one, as well :-)

I turned to ask Jake to stay just a minute longer, but he was already throwing his arms around me in a waist-high hug, then darting out the door. "Jake..." I called, but he was already gone.
This sentenced bugged me. If Ms. B wanted Jake to stay, to me it seems that she would have been courteous enough to ask the father instead of trying to ask Jake. Maybe it’s just me. I also have to realize that this is fiction too. Anyway, this is a good chapter and fits nicely with the first one. 3.5