All Comments by Aggeloi

Also, just to throw it out there - the reason Pete became scared after Maribel shot him was because there are a lot of people out there who wave guns around, but would probably crap their pants if they ever actually fired one. He knew she was an agent, but I'm guessing would also know that her job largely was to keep low profile and snitch information to her superiors. He, on the other hand, clearly has a 'dirty hands' sort of job, which leads to a certain feeling of superiority - one reinforced by seeing her as a sweet, kind, loving teacher day in and day out. I don't think he believed she really had it in her to shoot him, and she'd given him no reason to believe that before that moment. He learned his lesson REAL fast.

Thanks, Wolf! I appreciate the feedback. To answer some of your questions:
The gunshots broke the kids from their trance, as it was only a temporary thing anyway. Not that you'd know that from the writing. That's what comment sections are for. :D
Aw, crumb, I had intended to put in a bit about how cruelty to animals is an early sign of anitsocial personality disorder and other such mental instability that generally leads to serial murders... so they put the whole 'no killing animals' thing in to weed out any of those sorts of problems. The lameness of their reason for wanting to kill Maribel was deliberate; I wanted to show how flawed the system was and that the FBI really did have a valid reason for believing that these replicants were dangerous to society.
Thanks again for the feedback!

lol - I see :) Thanks for the feedback!

Thanks, hebe! Glad you liked it. Any feedback on what made the beginning feel shaky? Thanks!

Okay, everyone, the punch was my bad. Because Shadinah hasn't had as much experience writing action sequences as I have, she asked me to be her 'action advisor' for this piece, and I was the one who suggested the 'right hook' line. My apologies, Shadinah!

Thanks for the feedback! Basically, I originally was not going to put an entry in for chapter 5 because I had been disappointed with the turn away from the 'supernatural' events of chapters 2 & 3. I had also felt that attempts to explain those events without some supernatural element, at least for me, would fall flat. However, after reading Nash's post in the forum about the loose ends in the story, with the supernatural elements being among the first listed, I was hit by this idea. If I recall correctly, Robert's description of the Society itself left some room for ambiguity. He talked about being into 'HARD science', but that could have just been HIS role in it, which is how I took it. It struck me as a fun idea that he had left out the Society's true nature when speaking to his oh-so-rational wife, and that they're actually some bizarre cult-like group. I understand, however, where it seemed to come out of left field for you. In honesty, this was a selfish chapter for me. I hadn't written in about a month, and it was the first inspiration to write in that entire time, and it was a thrill just to be back at the keyboard. Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback!

BTW, Nash - thanks so much for posting this. It's what inspired me to write my entry - and I was thrilled after hardly writing anything at all for about a MONTH. Much appreciated!

Good stuff here! I definitely like the twist, with the kids developing mental abilities (which neatly explains the bizarre events in previous chapters), and your writing, as always, is smooth and easy to read. Well done!

Right here. Prepare for processing.
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:D

Thanks for the feedback! I confess, I only got the inspiration for this chapter Monday morning, and knowing that I had no time to write on Tuesday, the deadline, I sort of rushed through it.
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The gym - I was imagining different handles than the push-bar style, but you've got me on the windows. I'd love to hear more about your extensive experience with breaking said windows... :)
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Jake - there is some minor logic to Jake, I just didn't have a good way to play it out in the story. The kids received the notification about the dissection after school on Friday. Somewhere in their subconscious, their little minds were triggered with the idea that Ms. B must die because killing animals is evil. Jake, being a bright, precocious little guy, had a bit more awareness of the subconscious goings-on than the other children, and therefore had some vague understanding that Ms. B was going to die by Monday. It would've been better if I could've spelled that out more in the chapter, but oh well.
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I leave the events of the forest up to imagination. Was it a bomb? Or was it a different sort of incendiary device? We don't know how long it was that Ms. B was in there with the Society - she was in a bit of an altered state (note that when the thrum stopped, she heard a gunshot, but when it started again, nothing). Were the agents working their way around the forest during that time, dumping gasoline or explosives? I leave it up to imagination. Largely because I'm stinkin' lazy.
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I agree that the ending was a bit abrupt. Mea culpa.
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Thanks again for the feedback!

FOO! So glad to see you made an entry :) And what an entry, too! Great action - and your writing, as always, is awesome. From Big Bird... uh, 'crapping' fruit loops to the rather vivid descriptions of what happened to Pete's face - fabulously done. It didn't quite cover everything, namely the 'weird' events with the kids, but I think most people are ignoring that stuff by now anyway :) So good job - I gave it four stars!

Great work - I love the twist of the kids having no conscience, and the idea that Maribel is willing to ignore reason for the hope of getting her daughter back. Well done! I give it 4.5 stars.

Great work! I'm so thrilled someone made Maribel a replicant - awesome! However, that begs the question: why did Pete even bother leaving her alive, carrying her to a hotel room, tending to her, answering her questions - when he knew they were going to have to kill her? Unfortunately, it just doesn't make much sense. However, great writing, and great twist! I give it 4 stars.

This is good - glad to see Pete back where he belongs :) You've got some great intensity, with her stalling Wilkes and with the gas-filled hallways. And I still love the 'active PTA' line - classic! The ending fell a smidge flat for me, but I know how hard it is to wrap things up. You did really well - good job! I gave you 4 stars.

Nice work - could've used a bit more proofreading, but so could everyone else, myself included :) You had some great action in there, and I liked the dramatic escape. The ending felt a bit anti-climactic - Jack's comment about Robert's death seemed flippant and insensitive to me, and Maribel's reply felt a bit cliche. But overall, very good - I gave it a 4 (star rating, that is, I'm not judging this round) :)

So glad to hear it! Especially now that I just got an idea for a chapter! :)
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By the way, is there any way that the pre-revision chapters can get cleaned up off of the contest page? Many of the chapters have been revised, and the now obsolete chapters are mucking up the list.

Hi, BT, and welcome. You've got some good ideas here, and I like your style. I will let you know that there are a lot of punctuation errors (I'm a punctuation nazi, sorry) and that won't help in the judging. I recommend a proofread, or getting the help of someone in a writing field (like a journalist or English teacher) to help you edit. Like I said - good ideas, good work. I wish you well!

'Google Overlord Masters' sounds like it should be the name of a rock band or something.

Check out 'The Spellcoats' by Diana Wynne Jones. As part of The Crown of Dalemark series, it is set in a rather European area, however, it's set far enough back that it's a lot more like Natives than anything European. Fantasy should never be put into a box - the whole point of fantasy is that you can take it wherever you want! I think you've got a great idea there. Run with it!

Excellent revisions - as I said, I love your style. Looking forward to the conclusion!

This is an excellent piece so far - it will need to be brought to conclusion, of course, before it's published, since this chapter is supposed to conclude the story. You have great ideas here and your writing style is fabulous. I can't tell you how much I loved the part where she was having flashback memories of Danya - beautiful!!!
Since you haven't published yet, here are a couple other recommendations: The reason Robert and Maribel went to the school was because they thought the children would be there. It doesn't make a lot of sense for them to just take off after killing Pete without taking a look around for the kids. You could even just add one sentence saying that they searched the school and found no one there, but it's a pretty important sentence, or else their trip to the school makes no sense.
Can I say again how incredibly awesome the flashback memory bit was?
Your punctuation/grammar was good. One note - towards the end, when she's thinking 'Had I actually shot Pete?' - the next sentence should be punctuated like this: Pete of the "Mornin', Ms. B"? (Note - Ms., not Mrs.) This is one of the few times punctuation goes outside of the quotation marks - because Pete wasn't asking if it was morning, the question exists outside the quote and therefore the question mark must be outside of the quotation marks. However, in the next two 'Pete of the' descriptions, the punctuation that is outside the quotes should be inside. ("was Danya," and "we removed the aberration.")
I do hope to see you finish this piece. You've got it on a great track so far, and I look forward to reading the rest.

Since I won't be judging this round, I'll give you this advice: Robert was not an antagonist at the end of the last chapter, so it makes little sense for her to be keeping a gun on him at the beginning of this chapter. You've got a great idea here, but inconsistencies like that will kill it in the judging. A quick revision might be worth your while.

Good question! I try to keep to a set schedule - start at a certain time, write for a certain amount of time, take a break for a certain amount of time, etc. That sort of structure helps me stick to it - usually... :)

Yes, because the best way to get good ratings is by acting superior and insulting your readers.

Writerwannabe's right on the money. If they say 'no unsolicited queries', that means they won't even look at a query unless you come through an agent. But 'no unsolicited manuscripts' just means that they don't want reams of paper filling their offices. Write up a neat one-page query (and actually, most publishers will have directions on their website for how to submit a query - some want more than just one page, so check it out) and send it off to the publisher of your choice. If they're interested, they will 'solicit' your manuscript.

Thanks - I had a grand time writing it. It's the only thing I've ever written that can still make me laugh out loud, even thought I've read it multiple times by now (it's probably been at least one, maybe two years since I wrote it!)

Great idea, Ladyvike!

I have just posted an older piece of mine titled 'Pad Trek'. Ladies, come on over and check it out. Men, you most likely won't enjoy it. Sorry.

I'd love to give it a shot, at least - not sure if I'll be able to produce, but it's worth a try. But without an extension, it's pretty much a no... I have too much to do before Christmas!

I don't know about everyone else on the site, but I'm going to be completely slammed with Christmas this year. There may be more entries if the deadline for this final round is pushed back one week to Friday, January 2nd. What do you think?

Yay, I get to be first to say congrats and well done!

And I forgot to mention - big props on bringing the cell phone back in. I'd have to double check this, but I don't think any of the other entries even acknowledged that she still had an open line to Wilkes right in her pocket...

Here are the notes I took as I read your entry:
The description of a ‘comfortable straw mattress’ threw me. I’ve never slept on a straw mattress that I recall, but I’ve usually only heard them associated with poverty and discomfort. However, I love her desire to sip hot cocoa and read trashy novels. It’s a very realistic, human touch.
Great job handling Maribel’s reaction to Robert’s reappearance.
There usually needs to be a comma between two adjectives describing the same noun (as in ‘a short, fat gentleman’), but that’s only when the last adjective doesn’t combine with the noun to make a phrase (like in ‘red brick wall’ – ‘brick wall’ makes a phrase, so there is no comma). The easy way to tell is to try either putting an ‘and’ between the two adjectives or reversing their order. If it still makes sense, you need a comma. If it doesn’t, then no comma. So: ‘comfortable straw mattress” and “one fat lunatic” – no commas. (Okay, so the ‘one fat lunatic’ example isn’t because of the phrase rule, but it still doesn’t use a comma.)
I laughed out loud at Lockley’s first sentence after getting his butt kicked.
Maribel’s switch from angry and hostile to tender and gentle seemed a bit too quick. One minute she was making threats to blow his head off, and then she’s accusatorily asking why he didn’t replicate their daughter – and suddenly makes the switch to tenderly asking why he never bothered to pick up the phone (my paraphrase).
You had a couple of missing question marks (for instance, “how long before they get here?”).
Watch your punctuation with dialogue. When you have a direct tag (he said, he yelled, he exclaimed, etc) for dialogue ending in a period, you use a comma instead of a period and no capital letter on the tag. For instance: instead of – “I thought you said we had an hour.” He yelled. – it should be – “I thought you said we had an hour,” he yelled. Same for Maribel’s statements, except ‘I’ stays capitalized.
Great twist on Pete – well done!
This was a great, fascinating idea. I really enjoyed reading it. You managed to tie things up pretty neatly so that chapter 5 is left open for some exciting action without having to slow down for too much explaining. However, there are a couple of gaps left: why is the FBI so interested in destroying these children? There seems to be no apparent motive for shutting this ‘society’ down. There also wasn’t much explanation of some of the bizarre events with the children – the disappearing/reappearing, or filling the street while Lockley was capturing Maribel. Overall, good job!
I gave it a 4.5.

Here are the notes I took as I read your entry:
I loved the line about how her brain was back to speed and working overtime. This is true to her character and is a very well worded description.
In dialogue, if the speaking character directly addresses the other character, there need to be commas separating the name from the rest of the sentence. Example: “What did you say about the kids, Robert?” Also, the ‘tag’ which indicates who is speaking should be on the same line as the dialogue. For instance, ‘I tentatively shook her hand and stuttered’ should be on the same line as “Hi, Natalie… I’m fine.” There were some missing commas in other places, like “Well of course, but they’re nothing like Natalie.” (I personally would also put a comma in after ‘well,’ but I think that’s one of the fuzzier comma rules.)
The bit where she first noticed the gun in his waistband, then hugged him to get access to it later, was great.
Maribel and Robert only had one child, a daughter (see chapter 1) named Danya (see chapter 3). However, I did really like the idea that the plane crash was a cover up for Robert’s failed experiments.
You did a good job handling Maribel’s reactions. They felt very realistic both to her character specifically and to human beings in general.
I like the idea that Robert wanted to tell her that he was still alive, but she was moved out of town before he had a chance. Nicely played!
It’s a great touch, and very true to life, that Robert thinks he’s doing this wonderful, amazing thing. Well done!
The prior events with Jake and the children seem left out of this chapter. Who threatened Maribel’s life, and how did Jake get wind of it? There don’t seem to be any major players who have anything against her – the FBI appears to still be on her side, and if Lockley is on Robert’s side, then neither of them would want to kill her, either. Right now, it seems that the only threat on the table is against the children, not against her.
You have some great ideas here, and ended the piece with some great suspense. Good job.
I gave it a 3.8.

Here are the notes I took as I read your entry:
I absolutely love your voice in this piece. The sentence starting with “After a series of codes” was just fabulous, as was the description of guards who look like CDC employees rather than rent-a-cops. Ditto on “Whatever glue that held me together…” Your word choices and descriptions are straight up wonderful.
There are a lot of unnecessary commas in the piece. For instance, in the second sentence, the comma after ‘The dome that I had noted on our approach’ should not be there.
Some awkward sentences, like “I had the distinct impression that Robert represented to Lockley, authority.”
The two sentences about opening the door to the warehouse and going in, where you broke up the sentences with her thoughts, were a bit awkward to read. I like the general idea of her thoughts about the events interrupting things, but the way it was formatted didn’t flow very smoothly.
Robert is one ice-cold punk. Well done making a clear portrayal of that through his words and actions!
I love the idea that she hasn’t been working for the FBI at all, but for Robert’s company. I was, however, less than satisfied with his excuse for not explaining why he decided to keep her in the dark about everything. I don’t feel that Maribel is the type of woman to sit quietly after being told that he’s not going to tell her the reasons because she wouldn’t understand them.
I had gotten the impression in the previous chapter that she was the secretary of the group because the FBI had planted her there as a mole. It’s implied by the line “…word spread that I was in cahoots with the government. If they only knew.” However, it’s never stated outright, so I see where you were coming from.
The Repensil idea is great, especially with all the political pressures around it. Your ideas in general with this chapter are really fun. There are a few gaps, though: How does Jake play into all of this? Who threatened her life, and how did Jake get wind of it? If I understand this correctly, Lockley is really related to the creator of Repensil and has been hiding the formula from Robert and his coworkers, which is why they’ve been sending Maribel from town to town, to try to find that hidden formula. So Lockley stopped her from getting on the bus to keep her from taking the formula to Robert – but then he drove her straight to Robert? Or, if Lockley was working for Robert, and the bus was going to take her to Robert anyway, why did he have to step in at all? Overall, it was very fun to read and an interesting idea.
I give it a 4.0.

These are the notes I took as I read your entry:
I liked the description of the warehouse, how there was no security around and, ‘from the looks of it, none was needed.’
Why did she assume that the last door was his personal office when the name on the door was Richard?
There were some missing or misplaced commas throughout the piece.
The fog of unawareness encapsulating Maribel at the beginning was a bit over the top. You certainly showed that her husband’s reappearance had an effect on her, which was very good. However, it seems a bit strange to me that a woman who has learned to adapt to changing circumstances would have been so completely blown away by something that she wouldn’t even be aware of the departure of the man who had been holding her at gunpoint.
The history lesson was a bit overmuch. It felt like reading a textbook, in honesty, and seemed unnecessary to the story itself. The essential points of it could’ve been condensed into a single paragraph.
Maribel’s conclusion that the kids in town were the failed experiments was a bit of a jump. It’s implied that the experiments took place before Robert’s fake death about ten years ago, so the kids couldn’t be the second graders she’s teaching now, or even the third grader (Jake) who appeared earlier – the ages don’t fit. There also haven’t been any signs of the symptoms Robert mentioned (increased aggression, mental disturbance, and depression) displayed by the kids in the story to justify her making this assumption.
You have some good ideas here. Robert is a solid bad guy, it seems, experimenting on children and gearing up to destroy the failed experiments. It’s a fun idea, with lots of possibilities. It wasn’t very well connected in with the previous chapters, though. How does Lockley fit in? Why was there a death threat on Maribel, and how would Jake have gotten wind of it? What about the other children?
I gave it a 3.0.

Here are the notes I took while reading your entry:
Watch the spelling on ‘Lockley’ and ‘Chomsky.’
You had some great wording in there, like when she said something that ‘killed his heart.’
Dialogue ‘tags’ (the indicator of who is speaking) belong on the same line as the dialogue. So ‘This time Lockley replied’ should be on the same line as “Your FBI agents…”
The way Lockley folded up his chair was an interesting detail, but why would someone in a panic to get out take the time to fold up a chair?
There were some awkward sentences (like the one starting “But then the car lights went off…” in the second paragraph). Some wording was a bit strange, like when Robert ‘flipped’ his head in Lockley’s direction. You had quite a few unnecessary commas throughout the piece, and some missing apostrophes. (“Let’s go back ten years” and “We know you’re an agent”) ‘Who’s’ means ‘who is.’ The correct possessive form is ‘whose.’
Maribel was already part of the FBI when the plane went down in Iowa, from my understanding.
I was a little confused by the line about avenging Danya’s death. It had been stated that she was accidentally killed by Robert’s actions in trying to fake his own death. The gang didn’t seem to have anything to do with that.
Maribel didn’t seem to have much response to the revelation that her daughter truly is dead, which surprised me, given the hopeful thoughts she’d had about her daughter in the first paragraph.
Overall, the idea that Robert’s death was deliberately faked by him to get out of trouble with a gang was pretty clever. However, it leaves some questions open. Why would the gang bother with Maribel as a revenge on him if they thought he was dead? Maribel seemed a bit too agreeable to all this – by the end, she’s readily believing the word of the man who faked his own death and was responsible for the death of their daughter. Where did all her anger go after that one brief outburst? And what does Jake have to do with all this? Or Amy, or the other children? How does Lockley fit in? He gave a lot of explanations except for who he is and how he relates to all this. Why did he pull a gun on her – and let himself get kicked in the jimmies and bit on the wrist – when he could’ve just said, “I’m taking you to your husband”? But in general, you do have some really good ideas here, and you ended on a nicely action-packed note.
I gave it a 3.0.

Here are the notes I took while reading your entry:
Making Lockley an agent is a fun move. And clever to make his attacking, hostile nature towards her be a façade for the children. I do wonder why he didn’t feel it was safe to explain everything on the car ride, once they were out of town, though.
Okay, I seriously laughed out loud at the return of Phil the mailman, whose name I still think sounds like something off of a preschool television show. I rather like your use of him! However, the twist that Phil the mailman is also Pete the janitor fell a bit flat for me. She was obviously good friends with Pete; how did she fail to recognize him as her old mailman when she immediately recognized his voice when he spoke here?
The sentence starting ‘Grainger, the town you just left’ was a bit convoluted. I had to read it a few times before I could make sense of it. There were a few other awkward sentences here and there, and some punctuation issues. You had a couple of semicolons that should’ve been commas (like after ‘I stood there now, taking it all in’). Ask anyone here – I’m a punctuation nazi.
I’m curious what’s so important in DeKalb county that almost half of its population is made up of agents, even with an active investigation going on. (Since, by your description, almost a quarter of the total population of the county was composed of agents – and that’s just the agents who died. It doesn’t count the agents who survived.)
You gave a clever explanation of the events in DeKalb (fake explosion to get her family out), but it’s somewhat dissatisfying. Why didn’t they leave her in the home and smuggle her out with Robert and Danya? Why was it so important to leave her in the dark and let her believe that her family was dead? Maribel started to ask questions along those lines, but they were brushed aside as ‘details,’ which seemed rather cold. I would’ve decked him for that, myself.
Tidy explanation of the children appearing and disappearing. The idea that the death threat had triggered the chemical in her, however, was a bit of a reach. Why would a verbal death threat cause this physiological reaction of a compound that had been dormant in her system for ten years? If Robert or Pete had said something about the compound being triggered by stress or fear, then it might make sense. As it is, there’s no real solid reason for the threat to make the chemical active.
I really liked how Robert calls her M. It adds a neat personal touch.
Pete’s explanation seemed to jump backwards and forwards in time, which got confusing – especially the line ‘So began phase one of the pullouts in ’97.’ The words ‘so began’ implies that the pullouts were because of what he said last, which in this case, was the foster parents in Grainger currently refusing to give up the kids.
Overall, I give you high points for creativity. Tying in the DeKalb events so closely to the current events was a great idea. However, the concept doesn’t quite work for me. You had two big reveals: one, that the chemicals were much more significant than just a farmer’s quarrel; and two, that Grainger’s big secret is that it’s an experimental foster community to care for orphaned children until blood relatives can be found. Both fall flat. The chemicals, which seemed highly significant at first (many agents were investigating, the makeup of the compound is unknown), became relegated to just back story, explaining why the kids are orphaned and why Ms. B had weird visions. The way the chemicals were introduced to the story seemed to give them a much higher position of importance than they actually took. And the big secret being an experimental foster community is not very strong. What exactly is the experiment – to see if a foster community can work? If so, why does that have to be such a big secret? And what was Ms. B’s purpose there? Why did they have to keep Ms. B’s reunion with Robert a secret from the kids when the parents are the ones causing problems? The suspense and intensity of the previous chapters seems a bit overmuch if the problem is just a bunch of foster parents who decided they want to keep the kids. Like I said, it’s very creative, but it doesn’t quite fit.
I gave it a 3.0.

Here are the notes I took while reading your entry:
My first thought was, “Oh, no, not the ‘it was all just a dream’ trick!” As I kept reading, though, I changed my tune. The idea that the kids gave her a dream about what might happen as a warning was pretty clever. However, I’m not sure it’s the best idea for the purposes of this contest. It essentially renders two whole chapters unnecessary. I believe too much time was spent on that storyline for it all to have been just a dream.
You have some great imagery here, like ‘two little birds perched on a high wire.’ I loved your description of the surprises coming so frequently that she was becoming ‘immune’ to them. Same with the description of arrogance bred among those who have power over others – very true to life!
There were some missing commas/words and other punctuation, most of which seemed to be simply omitted by error. Another careful proofread might have fixed this. There were several commas that were unnecessary, like in ‘Dr. Bob, again.’ The title ‘Ms.’ needs a period after it. Watch those semicolons – I only saw a few, but they should’ve been commas. Remember, the parts on either side of the semicolon both have to make complete sentences on their own.
The three other students made great antagonists, though I was thrown by the lack of introduction. I read their names a few times, trying to think if those names had appeared before in the story. A quick note that they were her students or something to that effect in the same paragraph as their appearance would’ve been helpful. I didn’t even know they were children until the end of the next paragraph - at first, I thought they were one of the kids' parents or something.
The line that Ms. B had taken for granted that Dr. Bob was her husband seemed unnecessary, since the fact had been spelled out plainly a few paragraphs earlier.
You had a couple of tense changes – the first sentence when she was remembering the events of her dream was in present tense while the rest was in past tense, and the same happens later, when the three antagonists are sent flying through the air.
‘I grabbed Jake and Amy turned to follow us.’ I had to read that sentence a few times before I realized that Jake was the only person she grabbed. At first I thought she grabbed both Jake and Amy, in which case the sentence makes no sense. A comma after Jake would clarify things.
“You can chuck, you can jive, but Destiny will keep trying to hold its line.” I LOVE that line!
Pardon me, there are some correct semicolon uses: the one in the part about brain surgery and pills, and the one right after she saw Lockley’s BMW.
I don’t know if ‘disenfranchised’ is the right word to use. It sure gave me a funny mental image of those kids… Also, it would’ve been nice to see that paragraph expanded just a bit more. Some bizarre things were done to those kids, and condensing it into a one-paragraph recap doesn’t seem to do it justice.
Ms. B’s reaction to seeing her husband was great – very authentic.
The reappearance of the creepy kids at the end was great. Smoothly handled, too.
Overall, it’s a fun idea. The thought of kids having that kind of power scares the snot out of me (I’ve seen some temper tantrums that, with those powers, could level a whole continent). You also left it on a beautifully intense note, with plenty for the next writer to work with.
I gave it a 3.6.

These are the notes I took while reading your entry:
Excellent beginning. Maribel’s reaction was real and raw.
Punctuation goes inside the quotes in dialogue, and when a character speaks to another character, the name should be separated from the other words by commas. For instance, “Step out of the car if you would please, Maribel,” Lockley said… Also, don’t put a comma after an ellipsis. The ellipsis is punctuation on its own.
The ‘tag’ to indicate which character is speaking should go on the same line as the dialogue. For instance, ‘Robert continued on with his explanation’ should be on the same line as “The head of the institute told us to keep our mouths shut” instead of being at the end of the previous paragraph.
Some wording was awkward, like ‘offered me a proposition’ and ‘a wooden chair sitting aside the wall space’.
You mentioned her sudden movement delaying Robert from opening the wooden door – but you didn’t show her moving at all.
Maribel’s anger at Robert seemed to vanish a bit too quickly – she went from shouting at him to feeling that it was ‘awkward, but not so bad’ in the space of a car ride, before she even got an explanation.
The jump from ‘you know what happened’ to ‘you have always known my profession’ was a bit abrupt in the first paragraph of Robert’s explanation. It could’ve used a transition or some kind of break between the two.
“It was obvious he utilized small animals…” Why was this obvious? There was no description to indicate the presence of small animals in the laboratory.
Why did Robert immediately assume that Lockley was responsible for the deaths of the two biochemists?
This chapter was not carried very far in terms of story. You dealt with the past, but there was no mention of what’s going on right now – Jake’s mysterious threat, children swarming the streets, etc. How do the kids in town relate to all this?
The overall plot was very interesting. I loved the hidden, sparse workspace and the antiserum idea. And the cliffhanger frustrated me, but only because I really want to know what’s behind that door!
I gave it a 3.7.

These are the notes I took as I read your entry:
A husband is reunited with his wife after years of being separated, and all he can say is, “Are ya’ comin?” The reunion felt a bit stilted – Maribel seemed, from previous chapters, like a much stronger woman than someone who would just walk around in a silent, obedient shell and, instead of any expressions of anger or joy, she seems to just feel obligated to obey his directions. It doesn’t quite fit her.
You have a good voice and style. Some of the sentences were a bit awkward to read, like “He stalked up behind me, with my knowing,” and “…not anybody could even enter the building…” Also, the pacing was a bit slow toward the beginning (the lever scene in particular stood out to me as slower than necessary).
Lots of great imagery, like Robert ‘dancing’ over to the bodies.
A few minor comma issues, including one sentence that needed either a conjunction or a semicolon (“Lockley has been working on this for years…”) instead of just a comma.
The idea that Jake was just a pawn doesn’t seem to mesh with the rest of the story. What was Lockley’s purpose in letting Jake tell Maribel that she would die, as this implies? It seems to me that her compliance would’ve been much easier to gain without putting her on the edge, fearing for her life and afraid her cover was blown.
Lockley’s explanation of why he decided to clone her family was not very strong. Some parts were unnecessary (mentioning that she didn’t have a basement didn’t seem natural, even for an explanation). Other things feel like way too big of jumps for me – that Lockley researched a burnt-out building thoroughly enough to realize that Maribel wasn’t in the newspapers; he thought the best explanation would come from conspiracy theorists; he decided that the lack of information about Maribel meant that she had to be one of these government-placed people; and the decision to clone her family was because he felt like it. But perhaps you intended that, to make him seem unstable. His apparent obsession with her is certainly creepy, and could be a sign of instability.
“I was so entranced by his story.” This sentence gives me the image of her sitting cross-legged at his feet, staring up in rapt adoration. It feels out of character for her – this is the guy whose nuts she crushed in the previous chapter.
The idea, overall, is a great one. Clones are always fun. But it doesn’t quite match up to the previous chapters – both in how the characters behave and in general plotline. What did all those other children have to do with Mayor Lockley cloning Robert and Danya? If there was no real threat against Maribel, then why make her freaked out by making it look like there was? Robert’s last statement in the previous chapter was, “We’re doing it for the children.” That doesn’t quite relate in this chapter – it seems, from what’s written, that Danya is the only child involved.
I gave it a 3.0.

These are the notes I took as I read your entry:
Commas and semicolons in the first paragraph – the semicolons should’ve all been commas, and the comma in the second to last sentence after ‘I think it hurt me more than him’ should be a semicolon. Other punctuation issues: when a character asks a question, a question mark goes inside the quotes, and a period goes at the end of the sentence (“How long?” I asked.). When one character speaks to another character, use a comma to separate the name (“C’mon, Maribel.”).
Her name is spelled ‘Maribel’. The husband’s name is Robert, not Richard.
I liked a lot of the wording in the first paragraph (things like the very first sentence, and her free hand whipping across Robert’s face).
In the bit after Robert told Maribel that Wilkes wasn’t coming, Maribel ‘gets it’ right then and there – but I’m left hanging a bit. What did she get? Is Robert working for Wilkes? If that’s the case, why did Wilkes want to keep them apart? What clue did she see that she’s feeling stupid for missing?
Her disarming of Lockley was quite gracefully done – you did a good job keeping Maribel as a strong character. The description of her attack was much more drawn out than other descriptions in your piece, which, in honesty, felt somewhat unnecessary.
I got a bit of a start when she pulled the trigger, since your last description had the gun pointed straight at Robert. I had to read it a couple of times before I realized that she must have shot past him, or above him, or something else just to scare him.
I really liked how Robert got on Hiram’s case for using the gun, which was a great touch. You kept the characters consistent (I loved the line about her pleasure at seeing Hiram’s smile falter), and moved the story forward – but not very far. All that really happened was that Maribel came to terms with Robert’s reappearance. For the second to last chapter of the story, it just wasn’t far enough.
I gave it a 2.8.

I have always written by 'just going' and not outlining, like you described. However, both times I have approached a real end to a novel, I have become absolutely stuck - just like you described. What worked for me was that I decided how things would end, then wrote down a very bare-bones outline of how I would get from where I got stuck to that ending. Once I had that, the writing part was much easier. Good luck!

JD - VERY impressive!

When I was in high school and college, I had this problem severely. I was practically getting a new story idea once a month. I had tons of notebooks, then - once I got a laptop - tons of Word files, each with a different idea.

Once out of college, the flow slowed down a bit. Now I'm having a WONDERFUL time going back through all these old ideas (most of which have only a couple of pages written, tops) and sorting out which plot ideas are too 'high school' to be bothered with, which ones can be salvaged with some tweaking, and which ones are stellar and should be continued as is (with some work on the technicals, of course). So for me, that period of insane jumping from idea to idea has given me a complete base to work off of now that the idea flow has slowed down.
I do agree that stream of consciousness writing only gets you so far. I do very little outlining on my pieces, but I eventually hit a point where I am completely and totally stuck and out of ideas. At that point, I've found, sitting down and outlining the main events from that point to the end of the story is the magic way to get the rest written. And even prior to that, I generally have a very, VERY rough outline in my head - a few scenes that are particularly exciting that I've already 'written' over and over agian in my mind. So my 'stream of consciousness' writing is just a matter of connecting the dots between each of those scenes.
Whether you allow yourself to keep jumping or force yourself to slow down, there's one thing I must say: MAKE SURE YOU WRITE ENOUGH DETAILS ABOUT NEW IDEAS THAT YOU CAN COME BACK AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE IDEA WAS. I have a few started stories in Word that I started the story, but failed to write down the ideas I had, so coming back to them now, I have no clue what I was originally thinking. It's aggravating. Save yourself that aggravation by writing down your ideas as completely as you can.
One thing that helped me get my first novel finished was this: Every day that I wrote, I wrote at least 1k words on that novel. After those 1k words were written, then I allowed myself to go off and work on other pieces. That system was amazing - 1k might not seem like a whole lot, but it was so much better than having days go by without even a single word written on it, and piece by piece, it built up until I was so into it that I was working on it more and more each day - and then I finished! Yay! :)
Hope this helps!

Oh, I just saw that I missed the introduction! I'll have to come back to that later. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this! There were some punctuation issues (commas missing here and there, and a semicolon in the description of Erie's appearance that should've been a comma), but nothing too dreadful. It's a fun idea and a good set up. I'm assuming this is written for a younger audience, with the 'once upon a time' beginning and the way we know exactly what the conflict is going to be by the end of the first chapter. I felt it was a little over the top at times, but that's fitting for a younger audience. Like I said, the idea is very fun and I look forward to reading the rest!

And another new installment to You Learn Something New Every Day - also a true story - titled 'Pens'.

Disclaimer - this actually happened about two years ago now, back in my old apartment. I felt, however, that it fit rather well in this 'story'.

Too funny!!! I always thank God that I was born into the family I was - my dad, I swear to you, can fix ANYTHING.

Congrats, Nash! Well done!

Oy vey.

Actually, you did say that passengers filed off the bus (in honestly, I kinda wondered the same thing - why did the mayor just stand there while people filed off the bus? But then figured that he was afraid she'd make a fuss in front of a bunch of people, so it made enough sense.) - anyway, it's right after he changes from gripping her arm to putting his hand on the small of her back, the bus pulls up and it's described that passengers are filing off while the mayor's hand presses harder, more impatiently against her back. That's what Honeygloom was referring to.

Thanks for the clarifications, Nash. In honesty, I actually thought that the mayor was the one saying 'eh-oh' (that her actions had demanded it from him), which only added to my confusion. It may have been better to spell it out a bit more, but I see where you were coming from now.

LOL - three cheers for self-awareness!

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
Excellent style with an easy-to-read voice. The line ‘demanding an “Eh-Oh!” with no intent to demonstrate’ toward the beginning confused me. Demonstrate what?
The way you indicated Hiram’s dialogue by showing Ms. B obeying him (example: I was instructed to “Drive”) wore on me a bit by that one. The first time it was unusual and fun, but three so close together just didn’t work so well for me.
‘Phil the mailman’ sounds like the name of a character on a children’s show. A couple of commas (Phil, the mailman,) would show that you’re including ‘the mailman’ to indicate who Phil is, rather than it appearing to be part of his name.
‘Phantom field trip’ – I really like that description.
The part about her checking the seat to see if she could slam it back into him was a great detail, bringing a real spark to the character. Same for the threat to crash the car if he shoots - she’s always thinking on her feet!
I loved ‘corn in DeKalb’ and the ‘pink picnic.’
Maybe I’m slow, but the headline ‘POP-CORNED!’ looks like it’s supposed to be some sort of joke or play on words, and I’m just not getting it.
I laughed at the botox line – great!
The husband’s appearance was a great twist. Since the kids had been playing such a significant role so far, and had so little ‘screen time’ in this chapter, I’d have liked to hear more from Robert about what in the world ‘we’re doing it for the children’ is supposed to mean, but I suppose that leaves some good meat for the next chapter.
The kids surrounding the mayor and Ms. B, and making paths without really moving, was great, very creepy – however, then they just drove out of the crowd and there was nothing more with the kids after that. And Ms. B doesn't comment on this weirdness? Or ask Lockley about it, since it seems he knows more than she does?
The part where she contemplated opening the car door and rolling out, but decided not to, threw me a bit. She had bit a guy hard enough to break flesh while trying to get away from him, then tried to pretend not to know how to drive a manual, and then contemplated slamming the seat into him, or tricking him into putting his seatbelt on so she could get a jump on him... all of which seem to indicate she wants to get away. But when the opportunity finally comes, she decides she’s too curious and would rather remain under gunpoint to figure out what’s going on than escape. It just seemed a little too unnatural for her.
The previous two chapters both ended on a creepy note, and this one started on a creepy note, but left the creepiness behind when they left town. It felt like a roller coaster that started the ominous, clicking climb, but then dropped before it had gotten very far off the ground.
I give it a 4.2.

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
Loved how you turned Lockley around with the traces of desperation and fear – it didn’t weaken him from the previous chapter, but smoothly turned him in a different direction from what appeared to be going on. Well done!
I liked the POV changes to show the individual commandeering the bus, etc. It ramped up the suspense, especially when the second appearance hinted that his intentions might not be so helpful to poor Ms. B.
It really surprised me when Bill was ready to send everyone home, especially after Lockley and Ms. B had seen the gang of children standing so close to the house. Clearly there’s a threat of violence from the children, so wouldn’t Lockley have insisted someone at least check and see if the way was clear before letting people leave? Great ending – I can’t wait to find out who our mystery charcoal-grey-suited man is!
The new characters fit in seamlessly. Ms. B’s phone call to ‘Mom’ was great. And ‘Hopefully, they didn’t send Chomsky’ was an EXCELLENT line.
I loved how you described the flickering streetlights as making the business names ‘dart in and out of visibility.’ However, ‘flickering streetlamp lights’ was a bit awkward. Maybe, ‘flickering streetlights’ instead?
One punctuation problem that appeared repeatedly was a comma in the middle of sentences that didn’t need a comma. For instance, “He saw a sign pointing to the town center, and followed it.” You would only use a comma there if you had listed three or more actions or if the parts on either side of the ‘and’ both made complete sentences on their own.
The children appearing out of nowhere behind Lockley and Ms. B was great – very creepy!
The fact that her fake references had expired was a great touch. And ‘not one google hit’ – lol!
Again, our mystery man in the ‘cut scenes’ was just great. Loved how he got the combination right on the first try.
I give it a 4.5.

Here are the notes I made as I read your piece:
Her escape from Lockley was good, and I loved that you brought Pete in and made him an agent. It’s a fun idea, and it was really nice to see him again. The church brochure was fabulous, providing a very clear picture of what’s going on in this creepy little town. Pete’s reaction to Barbara Wilkes did throw me a bit – if he really found it so hard to believe, wouldn’t he have first insisted that it must be a different Barbara Wilkes, or something to that effect? Sharp ending, with the ‘escorts’ kicking the door down.
Wording is sometimes awkward. Ms. B’s comment about Jessie felt very stiff, as if you only included it to give the reader information (that she hadn’t had a lot of contact with Jessie). Similarly, Pete’s statement that his ‘long time friend in the FBI, Joshua Wilkes, is married to Barbara Wilkes’ was a little overdone. In his previous lines, both in the first chapter and in your chapter, he seemed to be a little folksy, dropping the ‘g’s at the end of his ‘ing’ words, etc – and suddenly this line is extremely stiff and formal, seeming very out of place coming from him.
There were quite a few misplaced commas and semicolons where there should be commas. Out of all the semicolons, I believe I only saw one used correctly in the entire chapter, during the scene where she’s talking to Wilkes on the phone and numbering the clues she’s gathered. And even there a period would’ve been stronger than a semicolon. In almost every other case, a comma should have been used instead. Semicolons are only used to join two complete sentences when there is no conjunction to join them (and, but, for, etc).
“…pulled me into his body…” – I believe ‘into’ should be ‘in to,’ since she is not actually entering his body. At least, that's the image I got :-)
I give it a 3.7.

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
Excellent plot. I was thrown off a little at first, but once I realized that the beginning took place after the bus stop incident, I was hooked. The kids were insanely creepy, and I was totally glued to the computer screen. Julie’s shrug and casual ‘you can have whatever’s left’ was brilliant. The ending didn’t strike me as well as the rest of the chapter – you gave us a brief breath as Pete came to reassure Ms. B, then ramped the intensity back up again with the ‘army’ of children and Pete not knowing what’s going on – and then a door opens, Ms. B is shocked, and it ends. It felt rather abrupt, though I suppose it really gives an open ending to whoever writes the next chapter.
Some awkward lines, like ‘I hoped if someone was out there they could not see me.’ In the line after that, I believe that ‘I hoped I didn’t leave...’ should be ‘I hoped I hadn’t left...’. Some of the punctuation is a bit awkward, as well. Several of the times you used ellipses really should’ve had some other form of punctuation instead.
Lucy’s lines while Ms. B was crouched in the garage were fabulously creepy – you captured exactly what it sounds like when a child calls for someone.
The switch to present tense in the flashback was jarring. ‘Could this be it for me’ – in all honesty, that line was a bit cheesy. Some places you used gender neutral pronouns (they, it) when it would’ve been better, I think, just to assign a gender to the child. It’s easier to imagine a child getting the shirt torn off HIS back than off ‘its’ back.
Dog, I honestly want to cry because I want so badly to give you a 5 for this. Work on that punctuation and awkward wording so I can do that next time!
I give it a 4.4.

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
The conversation with the mayor in the car was great, with her dropping clues and watching his reactions. I loved the line about the people in the room reminding her of the Last Supper, and I laughed out loud at her thought of ‘sh*t’ after Amy’s mother made it clear they knew she was FBI. The children reappearing outside her cell was great, as well as the reconnection with Jake being interrupted by footsteps. It would’ve been nice to see a bit more to the story after that, however.
There are some punctuation problems, and the dialogue was a bit stiff at times. The way it’s written, I can’t tell who said the line about ‘magic children’ – was it her or Lockley?
Ms. B’s trick to throw Lockley off guard (flirting) was very clever. However, her acquiescence seemed a bit odd, that she so willingly went with him and thus made herself more trapped than she had been by a simple grip on her arm. She seems weak – she’s waiting for Wilkes to swoop in to her rescue, rather than trying to get away from the mayor by herself.
I give it a 3.3.

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
In the previous chapter, the children had disappeared last Ms. B had looked that direction, so there should be some surprise at their reappearance here.
There were several punctuation problems throughout the piece.
Lockley’s smile ‘like a host on a toddler’s television show’ was FABULOUS. Great description! However, his stuttered line after she signed up was a surprise. He was very cocky and self-assured through the previous chapter and this one up to that point, without any real event or statement that would’ve put him on shaky ground. The description of Ms. B rocking Jake, and how it stirred up old memories for her, was excellent.
The charity sign-up was bizarre. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, as it brings an even more surreal touch to the scene, but it doesn’t quite mesh with the story so far. The bus driver stopping and marching toward her was a great touch, and then it turning out that he’d spotted Jake hiding in the back was brilliant. I loved the line about third degree burns. The Phoenixville/Phillipsville switch was great – you brought the creepy element back into the story with that.
I give it a 3.5.

Here are the notes I made as I read your piece:
The children vanishing and reappearing at the beginning was a little confusing. The first line makes it sound as if the children are still there when they aren’t (she was trying to stay out of earshot of her students), but then the line about Jake and Amy 'reappearing' makes it sound like the children weren’t there at the beginning of your chapter.
The escape from Mayor Lockley was pretty solid. We don’t know why he was trying to detain her, but it doesn’t stand out as a glaring problem; that can come out in later chapters. However, the line about how she had almost been killed by Mayor Lockley seemed out of place. He was threatening, certainly, but he didn’t nearly kill her.
There were many punctuation problems that were distracting. Some of the wording was awkward, and it could’ve used one more proofread before publishing to spot errors like “I snatched up my bag from the ground and made hurried onto the bus…” and “I was in no mood to speaking to Chomsky…” The dialogue is a bit stiff when she’s talking to Wilkes.
Pretty good job in keeping the characters true to the previous chapters. I have to laugh at myself here. I reached the end of the chapter and thought, who in the world is Irene Thomason? I went back through the whole chapter searching for a clue before I realized that she’s a character that *I* had written in *my* chapter! LOL.
The phone actually didn't bother me as much as others - I caught the creepiness of pulling over where there are no cars, no lights, etc, but for some reason her hanging up the phone didn't feel like a problem. I guess I figured that someone who just knocked the mayor out cold is a little tougher than the girl in undies going down to the basement with a flickering flashlight, to borrow Wolfram's example.
Overall, it was an interesting idea, but it could've been carried farther.
I give it a 3.0.

Here are the notes I took while reading your piece:
The bus driver taking his time with the cigarette seemed like it should’ve been more suspenseful than it actually was, largely because I didn’t see any real threats there for her to be afraid of. She didn’t seem concerned about the children anymore (at least, there were no comments or actions to indicate it if she was) and the mayor had already walked away. There was no sense of encroaching danger to make her panic and desire a speedy departure. The line about her being relieved at being arrested was confusing – why was it a relief? Ms. B’s statements of ‘I guess you know why I’m here’ and ‘I’ve been framed’ when talking to the lawyer threw me off – she didn't even know why she was there at that point.
I rather liked Ms. B’s reflections of how she’d become so obedient to the agency.
There were several punctuation problems throughout. It could’ve benefited from another proofread (For instance: “I scurried to the board the bus” and “I smiled to myself that calmer hands reached for my cell phone”). The conversation with the lawyer felt stiff from time to time, especially when he sat down and catalogued all her previous misdemeanors and aliases. Frankly, my eyes see blocks of text like that and start crossing. The previous comments about her sordid past had been enough to establish things; the list felt unnecessary. (Though I admit that I rather liked ‘Jane Bond.’)
In the previous chapter, the mayor said that he wouldn’t let her leave town. At the beginning of this one, he’s suddenly letting go, bowing, and walking away. It’s also surprising that she has no reaction at all to the fact that she just saw children appear and disappear before her eyes.
It was a fun idea, and definitely unique. It just doesn't seem to flow with what has transpired previously.
I give it a 3.3.

'Lay' is the correct word instead of 'laid' or 'lied'. When looking at 'Lay' (as in, "Lay your books on the table") and 'lie' (as in, "I will lie down now"), the really confusing part is that 'lay' is also the past tense of 'lie'. Since 'lie' is the correct one here, and it's in past tense, then it should be 'lay'.
Brain feeling scrambled yet? I know mine is :-)

Here are the notes I wrote while reading your piece:
Ms. B felt a little weak here. She might have thought she had little chance, but she doesn’t strike me as the type who wouldn’t at least give it her best shot if she thought she was in a bad situation. The mayor was good, still slick and creepy.
It was a bit of a jump for me that Ms. B saw that all the kids present were the ones she’d seen at the bus stop, and concluded that she must not have been imagining things. There are still plenty of questions, like the fact that they had ‘magically’ appeared and disappeared, as well as the question of how they got back to the mayor’s house before Lockley and Ms. B did. I find it a bit creepy that they appeared in one place, then suddenly were in a completely different location with no explanation of how they got there, and I’m surprised that Ms. B seems to find it so ordinary and non-threatening.
It felt a little flat, without much to stand out as a remarkable piece. It moved the story forward, but not very far (by now, the story should be more than halfway through). I liked the line about ‘they had to be punished’ at the end – it’s chilling.
I give it a 3.0.

Here are the notes I took while reading:
The bus stop was referenced previously as a short walk from her home.
Good descriptions, like the scent of old soil and Lockley’s cologne on the wind. I loved lines like ‘on the other freezing hand’. There are some lines that are a little strange (I think that ‘One cold hope’ was supposed to be ‘One could hope’).
The phone ringing before Ms. B had a chance to use it was great. She stayed very slick, thinking on her feet, true to her character. Lockley waving when she mentioned him to Pete was funny – true politician. The piece is good, and I like the idea of Pete being her only ally, but it was rather short and didn’t seem to move things very far. It’s a great idea, but needed to be carried out a bit further.
I give it a 3.3. It would've been higher if there'd been fewer discrepancies and more story.

LOL - wow, that was a long comment. Sorry!!!

Great addition! You're carrying the story forward while still giving us glimpses into the past relationship. You have a good balance, and you gave me a solid feel of who these characters are.
Those annoying technicals:
The third sentence down, where she tells him to marry her after high school - the period after high school should be a comma.
In the first paragraph after the dialogue, it should read 'I would be thinking of Matt and MY relationship' (capitalization for emphasis).
Your description of his proposal is great. 'I knew what was happening before he said anything' - it made me remember when my husband proposed to me; the poor guy was so jittery through our entire date until he finally asked! Very well done.
I would advise a spell check, as there were a few spelling errors here and there. I have trouble with character counts when I write in Word, so what I usually do is write in Notepad, copy and paste into Word for the spell check, and then fix any errors in the notepad and copy from notepad to the website. That helps me clear up almost all typos and spelling errors. There are also a few comma issues (for instance, the last line of the story where she saved her writing and turned off the computer - there shouldn't be a comma in that sentence) that Word might be able to catch, though I have a lot less faith in Word's ability to accurately fix punctuation and grammar.
You used a colon in one spot, talking about her mother telling her to move on. Instead of a colon, I recommend: "My mom told me to put it somewhere else (no comma) and (no 'to') let him go, but I couldn't do it." Either that, or make 'I couldn't do it' into it's own separate sentence.
Her written reflections were great. It showed me the depth of her relationship to him, as well as giving a broader peek into the troubles she's suffering. Her friends must be pretty cold if they don't understand why she's still grieving only a week after her fiance died!
A note on ellipses (...) - the use of those should be generally limited to dialogue and thoughts, and should be used sparingly in thoughts. So when you used it toward the beginning, it shows that the speaker trailed off rather than making a firm statement, which is absolutely valid. Similarly, if she's thinking about something, her thoughts might trail off, in which case that punctuation works just fine. But they should not follow action, like when she sat at her computer to write. It's correct, and stronger, to just use a period there.
Like I said, it's a great continuation. The dialogue felt smoother and it was easy to read. I like your style, and I like what you're doing with this. Looking forward to seeing more!
- By the way - if there aren't many people seeming to notice your work, I have a few recommendations. First, make sure you're adding onto other stories as much as your working on your own. A good way to get noticed is by mashing, and if someone likes your mash, odds are good they'll want to see other things written by you. Also, this keeps your work in the spirit of this site and is generally considered good form. Second, put a post in the forum, either on the 'continued (not new) stories' thread to indicate that you've added to an already started story, or just make a general post saying, hey, I started something new, would someone take a look and let me know what they think? There are a lot of very generous, nice people on this site who would gladly take a look.
Third, invite friends and family members to give it a read. If you have a myspace or facebook page, put a link on there and ask people to let you know what they think. The risk is that you might not get the most helpful critiques that way (or even intelligent comments, depending on who clicks the link), but it's nice to have friends see what you're doing. If you aren't comfortable putting it on a social networking page (which I totally understand, since you have no control over who looks at your page), you might just send an email out to friends and family members with a link to the chapter.
Hope this helps! Keep up the good writing :-)

Agreed - the circuit city one kept making me lose my cursor in mid-sentence while typing comments!

I'm glad you took my comments the right way :-) I think it's great being on a site with so many people, and we all can help each other improve ourselves. Anyway, like I said, when I look at my writing from when I was your age, it's pretty over the top, too. It's good that you're aware of it (I wasn't, lol) so you can work on it!

Welcome again to storymash! This was a fun read. I like the set up - a place where the people who use magic are automatically immortal, and feared. I'm assuming from the name that the Lycanthrians are werewolves? I saw a mention of 'beasts' but no other indications beyond that, so correct me if I'm wrong. Your writing is smooth and well-detailed, so I can easily imagine the scene as I read it.
I will let you know that the dramatic writing feels a little over the top. However, I saw that you're seventeen - and my writing was a lot like that when I was seventeen, too :-)
There were a few formatting issues - your first spoken line was separated from the 'tag' (the indication of who was speaking) when it should've bene on the same line: "... I'll use the forbidden magicks," the shadow-cloaked young woman hissed...
If you follow dialogue by an action in a separate sentence, then use a period to end the dialogue and capitalize the sentence normally. Example: "I never said that." She picked up the vase and walked past him, keeping her head high.
If the dialogue is followed by a tag, then you use a comma and the next word after the quotes is lowercase. Example: "I never said that," she said as she picked up the vase.
So the same thing happens in the next paragraph - "But Karina, my queen," came the velvety smooth male voice... (in the text, use a comma or ellipses, not both).
I'd like to encourage you to write the initial 'setting' paragraph as part of the story itself. Frankly, you could start the paragraph with the line beginning 'A crescent moon', change the paragraph to past tense, and it works just fine as an opening paragraph as part of the story. As it is, it almost felt like switching from reading a script to reading a story.
One other suggestion: some of the things you tell the reader could be shown instead. For instance, in the second paragraph you describe her second in command as doing his best to persuade her to find a more peaceful end to the war. His dialogue throughout the piece clearly show him trying to do this, so that line is unnecessary. It's okay to leave a little mystery in the reader's mind.
I hope I've helped. Keep up the writing, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

Welcome to storymash! I enjoy fantasy writing, too - I look forward to reading your work. No messaging system, but half the people here happily hand out their email addresses when they want to have a private conversation with one of the other members :-)
So welcome again and have fun!

LOL :-)

That was hilarious! (Man, I wish the banner ad would stop hijacking the site and making my cursor disappear!)
Anyway, too fun - thanks for giving me a smile!

I do have an answer to the question about beautiful women marrying ugly men, tho: Imagine a woman with a choice between a man who is as attractive as she is, and knows he is attractive as he is, so if she chooses to date him, it's no big deal to him; on the other hand is a man who is uglier than she is, and he knows he's uglier than she is, and if she chooses to date him, he will be stunned, he will constantly be telling her how beautiful she is, and he will be doing everything he possibly can do to make sure she stays happy with him so she'll keep dating him.

Now, which one do you think that woman's going to choose?

She sent it to me first, and I told her to put it on here to give people a good laugh. I lose it at the 'cornstarch is quite flammable as well' line :-)

Oy vey.
I repeat: Oy vey.

Good ideas! Also, on many message boards, there's a box registered users can check to 'track' the thread - so when new posts come up, they get an email. What if we had something like that on stories, so when a new chapter was submitted on a storyline, an email would go out alerting the users who selected it?

I'll give a more complete comment later, but I liked it - and I really liked the line about egomaniacs telling everything to anyone who ask! My husband and I have a theory that heroes get their powers from striking poses, and bad guys get their powers from monologuing. Check out any movie/tv show, you'll see!

Great question! Everyone in my family reads (and I do mean EVERYONE), so I was reading simple books by the time I was in kindergarten. That, and I was blessed with a highly active imagination (sometimes overactive, in which case it isn't as much of a blessing - I'd be embarassed to admit how long I was afraid of the dark!) which randomly pulls new ideas out of the strangest little things I see or read. I believe that there is a 'storyteller' gene in my family - my grandfather had it, and if any little thing was said that reminded him of a story, he'd go right off into it, even if it didn't really relate to the conversation. I plan to be like that when I'm old, and no one will be able to say a thing about it because I'll be old :-) (And fun part - I'm pretty sure my nephew got the same gene, yay!)

Added to the Love and Bones story (finally...)

This was a fascinating piece. You kept the suspence and anxiety ramped up almost all the way throughout, and, as others have mentioned, it left me wanting more. Your descriptions are great, with wonderful imagery (the first sentence hooked me straight in).
A few minor comments:
I believe you used 'composer' a couple of times when you meant 'composure'.
In the first sentence in the second paragraph, the line 'the utter breach of safety I felt overwhelmed my sensibiities' - for some reason, I had to go back and read that a couple of times. The wording is perhaps a bit awkward, and maybe my mind kept seeing the 'I felt overwhelmed' in the middle of it and wanting that to be a sentence when it really wasn't. I don't know, it just didn't flow for me - and also seemed to slow down the dramatic pace you had established.
I loved how you described all the sounds that she normally wouldn't have noticed.
The flashback scene was a bit of a surprise and changed the pace again. More surprising to me was that you went into a flashback from that flashback, with her reminiscing (sp) about her childhood, and then never returning to the original events of the evening leading up to this attack. It bugged me for a second, but I trust that the rest of the leading-up story will come out later.
The attacker turning out to be a woman was a great touch. I'm not sure why your protagonist decided she had nothing to be afraid of when she discovered it was a woman (the line "What had I been so scared of?" implied as much to me) - if I had a woman break into my home, chase me into my apartment, and speak with that kind of language, I'd be startled it was a woman, but I'd still be crapping my pants. But hey, that's just me :-)
I know lots of people out there like tons of detail, so this might not necessarily be important, but the line 'trench coat like jacket pocket' tripped me up. If the narrator thought the jacket looked like a trench coat, it may have been easier (and stronger) just to say 'trench coat pocket' - but again, that's just me.
The cell phone revealing her location was a brilliant twist - certainly unexpected!
The description of the attack in the basement threw me a bit. I know that their eyes had adjusted, but I was still imagining it as a very dark place, where only general shapes could be seen - so the description of the attacker's smile and the ominous force behind her glare threw me off, since I imagined that those detailed features wouldn't really be visible.
There were a few places that could've used commas for clarity - one example is when our protagonist is escaping, it says '...and shoved myself into her sending her stumbling down the stairs' - it needs, I believe, a comma after 'into her'. (And I think 'tumbling' would be a better word for what you were describing - people generally don't get knocked out by a 'stumble'.)
You kept the tension high even after she was safely locked away in her house with the frantic call to 911 wiht a dying cell phone battery. Brilliant!
Overall, great job. I really enjoyed it and I look forward to reading more!

Wow, I totally missed out on all of this.
Hope it isn't too late for you to see this, Persephonie. I love your writing, and you're a level-headed critiquer. I appreciate that here - As Shadinah said, having people go 'Wow, this is awesome, I love it, you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, will you sign my chest?' might be great for the ego, but it sure doesn't help us become better writers. I also appreciate a good, solid critique. The writer's responsibility, I think, is to read critiques with an open mind, decide which points they agree wtih and incorporate those, and decide which points might not be so fit to the piece and simply move on.
Now, I have to apologize, becuase I'm afraid you picked up some unfriendly vibes from me (and honestly, when I read and rated your HAC piece that wound up in the